Stop Apologizing!

Until very recently, I would apologize for every question I would ask a peer or superior—especially a superior. I thought it made me seem more thoughtful, more self-aware.?

?“I’m sorry for taking up your time, but…”

“I’m sorry to bug you…”

“I know you have much bigger fish to fry, but…”

“I apologize if I should already know this, but…”??

(Are you kidding me on that last one???)

Clearly, I have struggled with self-esteem.? I would say I *did* struggle, but I can’t deny the demons are still there.? I am getting better and pushing them out of my way, though, and that’s not nothing.? I pictured the recipients seeing my emails and saying to themselves, “Ugh, what an idiot.? What does she want now?? Did we not JUST discuss this?? Doesn’t she understand how busy I am?? Isn’t the answer obvious?”??

It wasn’t even that I believed they were right about any of those imagined responses.? It was just that they could be thinking them.? I saw my apologies as preemptive.? If I acknowledged those potential judgments up front, maybe they would at least see that I was insightful and self-aware.??

I’m not sure how I realized how ridiculous I was being with the apologies.? Maybe I was on the receiving end of someone else’s self-deprecation, and recognized it in myself.? Maybe I was able to read my own emails from the recipients’ point-of-view and notice how the impression it gave wasn’t one of thoughtfulness, but rather passivity and self-doubt.? My apologies attracted attention to my belief that I was either unintelligent or unimportant.??

They were just cringey.?

Once I had cringed at my own emails, I had a talk with myself.? I had to tell myself that I was allowed to ask questions.? I added that I know I’m intelligent, so if I’m asking a question, it is reasonable that I should do so.? The questions themselves didn’t make me look dumb; if anything, my apologies did.? If I’m apologizing for my questions, I must doubt my own intelligence.? If I doubted it, why should anyone else think otherwise?

Often, I noticed that other people—people I respected—had the same questions I had, which was extremely validating.? But the next question I would have, I would apologize for.

I made a declaration on Facebook, which is where I make many declarations about my life, that I was done apologizing except for times I have actually done something wrong.? I publicly put all of my thoughts into words as well as I could, and it became a promise that I made out loud.? One I was contractually obligated to keep.??

As I continued asking questions via email, I caught myself starting to apologize again.? Ugh!? But on the other side of that frustration was the recognition that I caught myself.? Apologies were deleted. Screw you, I thought, I’m not apologizing for asking this question!??

Okay, a step too far.? Not anger, just not remorse. Remember Self, you just imagined them reacting rudely.

I noticed the show of confidence oozing into other areas.? I became aware of my shrinking body language, and stood up straight.? I noticed that I tended to look down as I passed people, and made myself make eye contact.? I smiled.? I said hello first. I showed my thoughtfulness by thanking people instead of apologizing. I stopped comparing myself to others to I could see where I fell short.? Instead, I looked for qualities I admired and adopted them.??

It’s a shame you can’t hear the crescendo of horns and strings in my head right now.? You’d be wiping tears away.

None of these steps by themselves changed the impression I made on others.? Emails without apologies don’t make me appear bold or confident.? But they also don’t make me seem –sorry.? When you add those things together, though, the result is a more impressive me.? I come across as confident and trustworthy.? No one doubts my intelligence.? Well, fewer people doubt my intelligence.??

I still struggle with self-esteem.? Maybe everyone does. Maybe I always will.? But my email recipients don’t need to know.