Stop Apologizing for Having a Brain -- and a Heart!

If you can train yourself to notice the strange habits that people adopt at work -- the language, behavior, dress and rituals of the workplace - you will gain a lot of power. The script won't overwhelm you if you remember that it's a script.

The first thing I noticed entering the business world as a temp during college was how stiff and formal my co-workers became in "official" settings.

In a meeting, for instance, they'd sit up straight in their chairs and look at the manager at the end of the table. A meeting, I could see, was a ritualistic event.

There was no chit-chat during the meetings at my temp job - no debate, and no brainstorming. My co-workers spoke only when they were spoken to, and when they spoke, they'd talk in very careful, measured sentences.

I wasn't invited to team meetings as a temp, but sometimes the team would meet in the same conference room where I was doing clerical work. They'd let me sit at the far end of the long conference table stuffing envelopes or stapling papers throughout their meeting.

There was a level of tension in the room even when the topic was ordinary and boring. In a meeting, it's possible to say the wrong thing and look bad in front of your peers.  The boss might get down on you. That makes a meeting a scary place.

Everyone stayed on the script and otherwise looked down at their laps. "Gross!" I thought. "How can they stand it? I would die of boredom!"

The moment the meeting was adjourned, the tension broke. Then someone would come over to me at the far end of the long table and say "How's it going, Music Girl?"

That's all my co-workers knew about me -- that I was a music student. That was always their conversation-starter with me.

The business world is a theatrical stage. There is a script and there are costumes. We all understand that when you put on the costume, you become the character. Look at cops! Look at Supreme Court judges, and everyone else who wears a costume to work.

We put a lot of value in theatrical trappings like costumes, sets and scripts. We have been brought up to do that! 

One time I got up very early with my husband and our kids when the kids were tiny. We were visiting Disneyland. We were the first family to board one of the rides in the little kids' part of the park.

On this ride, you sit in little boats that move on a track in a shallow stream. Snow White rode in the first boat in line and we sat in the boat right behind her, so my kids were beyond excited.

The Snow White costumed character did not see us in the boat behind her as she demurely placed her slippered foot into her little boat and said to a fellow crew member "Can somebody get the f*cking trash out of the boat before you start the ride next time?" 

My husband and I suppressed our laughter for Snow White's sake, sympathizing with the poor actress who had to rise before dawn to get costumed and made up for her day's work and then step over somebody else's fast-food rubbish to boot.

Our kids missed Snow White's remark. They were dazzled by  her proximity, her costume and her hair. Most of us fall under the spell of theatre and ritual very easily.

That's why theatrical troupes the world around can put on glorious shows with ratty old costumes, lousy lighting and broken-down sets that have seen better days.

I traveled around the midwest performing opera for kids and grownups with two vans full of singers, sets and costumes a few years back. The minute the show begins, the audience is enthralled. They don't see the dust on the sets and the rips in the costumes then.

Once a stage is set, people will step into the realm of magic and mystery with you. Your job is not to break the spell, the way poor Snow White unwittingly did!

Business is theatre, too. There are specific lines and stage movements we're expected to learn and repeat -- ways to behave, dress and talk in the business world. Once we learn our lines, we fear stepping out of the script. 

That fear hurts us. It keeps us from telling the truth. Our conscious brain will tell us "That's okay -- I can't be myself at work, but at least I get a paycheck!" Our body doesn't like the bargain so well. Our body knows what's true for us and what isn't.

If the tension between your body and your mind becomes too great, you'll get sick. You may end up waking in the morning with an aching jaw from grinding your teeth all night. You might get headaches or backaches, or depression.

Your job in this life is to find your path and walk it. That's a bigger, more exciting and more noble job description than whatever job description your boss gave you, but at work we don't talk about our path or our truth very often.

It's considered impolite to second-guess or contradict the boss, even if you do it politely. It's considered rude and impertinent to say what you believe if you already know that the boss or the company believes differently.

The only way to grow your muscles, get stronger and walk into the career and life you deserve is to take a small risk and say what you believe, no matter what other people think!

Every time you do, you'll get stronger. It will become easier and easier to say what you mean regardless of how other people feel.

If you don't do that -- if you stifle yourself and fall into the script just because you know the words -- you will weaken your muscles.  You will rationalize, and say "But what choice do I have? It's hard to find a good job!"

Then your captivity and subjugation are complete, because it's you who has become your own jailer.  You are the one who keeps the prison walls strong and impenetrable then. No one else has to lift a finger to keep you under his or her control, once you start arguing for your own limitations!

You have a heart and a brain. You get to use them! You don't have to apologize for being smart or caring about things that matter, like the health of your business or the welfare of your customers or your fellow employees.

You don't have to apologize for doing the right thing or speaking up when the rest of your crew is mired in fear and keeping their mouths shut.

Our client Regina is an HR Manager. She is a Human Workplace champion. She brought her company out of the Dark Ages. They are a Human Workplace now.

Regina had to drag her CEO and his leadership team kicking and screaming into the 21st century ("Straight from the nineteenth century," jokes Regina. "They skipped a whole century!") but she did it, not by herself but with the help of her amazing co-workers.

Little by little, she chipped away at the archaic policies and crusty mindset that had kept her company locked down and dismal for years.

Now the company is energized and fun. They're making money again. Regina only has occasional aftershocks to deal with. She ran into one of those aftershocks last year.

"Our Procurement Manager is actually a great advocate for employees, until he gets fearful himself," said Regina.

"He blows hot and cold. Last week, he told me that he wants to put in a new policy where people get to come to work up to ten minutes late three times without any problem, then they get a notice and then they get a one percent decrease in their next annual review."

"I told him that I sympathized with him and that I could see that it makes him anxious and unhappy to see people walking into work late.

"I had three or four conversations with him about this topic. I don't mind, because if I had said 'That's an idiotic policy and we're not doing that' that would only have hurt my relationship with him, and he wouldn't have learned anything."

"I listened to him instead. He told me about how his dad always told him that punctuality was a virtue and how irritating it is for him to see people arriving at work even a minute late.

"Then we talked about his team's results. Their results are through the roof. The team loves working here. I reminded him that he had built something special -- a wonderful environment where people bring their best. Did he want to destroy that?

"He finally saw that he could make or break the warm culture he had built. He abandoned the goofy policy idea and guess what happened? He made a conscious effort to be out of his office between 8:30 a.m. when our workday starts and eight forty-five.

"He goes for a cup of coffee then, or goes to talk to one of the other managers.

"He tuned out on the topic 'arrival time' and turned his mind to bigger things. Now he's more relaxed. He's happier. His team is happier, too!"

Regina is not about to apologize for bringing her heart and brain to work, because she knows it's the right thing to do. She sees how her focus on the energy field at work is bearing fruit. She knows in her heart that she's on her path. 

When you know you're on your path, there's nothing anyone can say or do to make you fall back into the script. Like Snow White's honest assessment of the shoddy housekeeping in her little boat, your truth will come tumbling out.

You won't care who likes it or who likes you. Your flame doesn't grow because more people like you. Your flame grows when you say what you believe. Are you ready to step onto your path and walk it?

You've read this far, so you're ready to take that step. Try it! One million Human Workplace fans are cheering you on! 

Questions and Answers

I really like the way Regina handled the request from the manager who wanted to crack down on minor tardiness. It sounds like Regina's company was pretty employee-friendly.

What if your company isn't? I'm a supervisor, and I have to be tough on tardiness and other minor infractions. What can I do?

Regina's efforts to shift the culture at her workplace took a couple of years. She never said "Oh well! That's just the way it is here - it's a dark place to work."

She kept speaking up, always politely and compassionately, about the things that needed to change, and gradually things did change. Regina found her voice. Can you find yours, too? 

Who draws the artwork for Liz Ryan's stories?

Liz draws them with markers and colored pencils.

I need to get out of the workplace I'm in. That's obvious. I'm pushing a rock uphill and it's making my arms tired! I can't sleep, my family can see I'm stressed and I know there's a better company out there for me. How do I find it?

Check out the 12-Week Virtual Course "Job-Hunt While  You're Working," which starts on September fifth. All of our Four-Week and 12-Week Virtual Courses start again on September fifth - why not pick one that speaks to you?

Download your FREE Human Workplace Virtual Course Guide here! 

Reach us with your questions here!