Stonewalling in the Workplace

“I just come into work and don’t get involved with the drama,” Dan said as we walked the Circle of Workplace Toxins.

I was facilitating discussion in a group of coworkers who had exhibited toxic behaviors amongst themselves. 

The toxins were set on the floor in a circle. 

• Criticism
• Contempt
• Stonewalling
• Defensiveness

I asked them 3 questions as they walked the circle.

1. Which of these toxins did they see the most exhibited in their workplace?
2. Which of these toxins did they personally participate in? (Their personal favorite)
3. Which of these toxins has hurt them the most?

This exercise called for a lot of transparency from the participants. Yet, they were open to sharing.

Except for Dan. 

He did not want anything to do with this exercise. He crossed his arms and stood in the corner, shaking his head.

He remarked, “ I don’t do this stuff. I just come into work; do my thing. I don’t bother or talk to anyone.”

Someone in the group called him on it. “Hmmm, sounds like stonewalling.”

It was interesting to see the dynamics in the group as they began to recognize different toxins amongst themselves and others.

“Stonewalling” is one of what psychological researcher and relationships expert John Gottman calls “The 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.”

It is also defined as a refusal to communicate or cooperate. It is sometimes exhibited in one’s body language by avoiding contact or engagement with another party.

Many times, the groups I facilitate don’t understand what the word really means. Then I’ll demonstrate a gesture or an example of someone who avoids or refrains from having conversation intentionally.

Once they become more familiar with the word and its definition, there is quite a lot of head nodding in agreement that this truly is a toxin they personally have experienced.

Stonewalling – like the word “wall” – feels cold. 

We humans have such a high need to connect. When someone is deliberate about not connecting, we feel it! Even when nothing is said.

Toxicity spreads in the workplace when everyone in the group begins to pick up who is stonewalling whom. The negative energy is so obvious. Two people can be in the same office – or worse yet, the same meeting – and stonewall each other. 

Stonewalling causes such emotional harm that it sometimes feels worse than any other toxin experienced. It also causes a domino effect in the workplace. Other team members may find the need to rally behind one person or the other, causing even bigger damage to collaboration and innovation in the workplace.

What are some ways to deal with stonewalling in the workplace?

1. Call it by name when you see it. 
2. (e.g: “I feel like you have been stonewalling me when you don’t respond to my emails or avoid me in the hallway.”)
3. Don’t tolerate stonewalling. 
4. You might think you are rocking the boat by calling it out. The truth is; the boat is sinking while you’re in avoidance. If you’re a manager, call on those involved in the stonewalling behavior to understand what is going on. Listen and be empathetic.
5. Remember that stonewalling is sometimes a defensive way of dealing with conflict.
6. Stonewalling is not a solution. It’s just another way to prolong and worsen the problem
7. If you are unable to resolve the issue, find someone who can objectively mediate. 
8. It might be better to call someone who would not be biased towards one party or the other.

 It’s best to let someone experienced in drawing out toxins in a safe and productive way to address the toxins with your team. Email us to discover how we can work with you and your team,