The Stoic Teen

The iPhone is your teenager’s life. It’s the connection to their friends, how they express themselves, and how they want the world to see them. It’s how they define their popularity and importance in so many ways. It’s how they are heard in this world.

It’s a marvel of connection. But it also leaves them vulnerable.

How? Well, it’s with them 24/7. Unlike the “olden days” when they left their friends at school they now go with them everywhere. The Snap Chatting and Instagram stories are nonstop. They are inundated with information and opinions, many of which make them feel anxious and inadequate. They compare themselves to others, and post pictures that project how they wish life was. The criticisms from others are relentless, and if they make a mistake it can be brutal. They may be bullied and shamed. It’s a ton of pressure.

So it’s no wonder your teen may be depressed and filled with anxiety. But take heart: It’s nothing really new. People have been feeling this way for thousands of years, long before the iPhone was even developed!

There was a man in ancient Rome named Marcus Aurelius. He was the emperor of the Roman Empire — literally the most powerful man on earth. As a young man he suffered from deep anxiety and insecurity, often questioning his worthiness as a leader and a person. But as he got older, Marcus started to understand that so much of what he worried about was not up to him and not in his control. In fact, though he tried hard to be an enlightened and positive leader of his people, there were always going to be people who hated him and wanted to hurt him. This was something he could not fix.

It turns out you can’t make everyone happy.

Marcus Aurelius was, of course, a follower of Stoicism, which emphasizes that?YOU as an individual are in control of what is let into your life and how you react to it. The Stoics talked about building for yourself an “inner citadel” — a protected heart and soul. This citadel doesn’t wall you off from the world, but rather helps you interact with it in a way that suits you. YOU decide what and who gets inside the citadel.

Your Inner Citadel is not open to everyone, and has limited hours of operation.?

For your teen, the Inner Citadel is really about them taking care of themselves. It’s about using their mind to craft boundaries to protect them from negativity and anxiety. For the Stoics, this protection was based on four virtues — Wisdom, Courage, Temperance and Justice. These virtues interact with each other to help you lead a full and happy life. For example:

Your teen needs?Wisdom?to decide who and what to let in to their citadel and the?Courage?to keep the rest out.?Temperance?helps them moderate their reactions to things that bother them. And?Justice?helps them to not hold grudges, or be angry, when things don’t go the way them want them to go.

There is much for your teen to learn from the Stoic virtues and the power that they give them to control their own life. As Marcus Aurelius once wrote:?

“Choose not to be harmed—and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed—and you haven’t been.”

In this age of identity politics and blame/shaming, it isn’t easy to live by this rule. But it’s a philosophy that starts to put the control back where it should belong — within your teen and not in the technology they carry.?

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Ken Davenport is the author of?The Stoic Transition: A Guide.