The Stoic Edge in 30 Posts

Post #16: Choose Patience

I've written at various times on this blog and in my book The Stoic Edge about the unique challenge of parenting. No other duty needs a Stoic practice more than raising kids and young adults, for it requires us to suspend our natural desire to control what our kids do, see, and say. We wish to direct them, to encourage them, to guide them to a goal, ideally of their own choosing.

But what if they don't choose? What if they appear aimless, lost, without a plan?

For most "type A" personalities, this will be among the most challenging things you will ever face. I know it is for me. My son is 18 and now out of high school, with no plan and no real aspirations for his future. He got into college but decided not to go; that in itself was okay with me, as I am skeptical of the value of a college degree in today's world absent some needed technical skill or career path. So instead of college, he's decided to work at a restaurant, where he makes decent tips and wages. He's got money in the bank, a car, and a job. And a girlfriend that he is tied to by a tether (called the iPhone).

I know for many of you with older kids this will sound familiar -- and you will naturally respond with "he's not the first and won't be the last" and "he'll turn out ok."

I know he will.

The point of this post is not him -- it's me. I'm the one who is struggling with his current state of limbo. I know it's a stitch in time and will pass, and I am working to give him some space so he can grow. But I feel impatient about it and stressed, even as I know that I can't control him or what he wants or even really what he does.

Most everything in Stoicism comes back to this question of control, and while it's easy to repeat it to yourself like a mantra, it's harder to put into practice. Even Marcus Aurelius, who as Emperor of Rome was theoretically in control of everything and everyone, found himself frustrated by people he dealt with, including his family. Marcus' own son, Commodus, would ultimately succeed him as emperor; but Marcus knew his son was not a good egg and would fall victim to the corruption that power brings. Nonetheless, Marcus sought to do what he could with his own son, realizing that ultimately his influence is limited. As he wrote in his diary:

"Convince them not to. If you can. And if not, remember: the capacity for patience was given us for a reason."

What is that reason? It's to have the power to take a step back, to breathe and to find perspective, to use our power of reason to navigate the uncertainty of life's challenges. Patience is our secret power, a virtue that encourages us to pause, to let things settle before acting or reacting. Take a second or two before responding. As Viktor Frankl puts it:

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response."

If you are a parent this is sage advice. Write it out on a sticky and put it next to your bed, on your refrigerator and on the back of your phone. It won't make it automatic, but it will remind you that we have the power to choose our response to our kids, or anything else we are facing.