Summary: Stimulus * Story = Outcome.?
- Changing the story can move an outcome from bad to good or visa versa.?
- By consciously updating the stories we tell ourselves about stimuli, we can transform our outcomes and shape a better future.
Quotes
- “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Viktor E. Frankl => The stories we have are all powerful and affect our responses!?
- “The media's the most powerful entity on earth. They have the power to make the innocent guilty and to make the guilty innocent, and that's power. Because they control the minds of the masses.” - Malcolm X => For the ‘masses’ the media writes the stories running in their heads.?
- “Who did the programming in your head (put the stories you live by in there)? For most people it wasn’t them.” => The stores most people are running in their heads they did not make.?
Jingle
- Don't like the plot? Rewrite the story!
If something is not going well what can you do??
- Option 1: Leave the situation.
- Option 2: Accept it without letting it affect you.
- Option 3: Change the story you tell yourself.
- When I was 20, I only thought there were two options in life: Option 1: Leave or Option 2: Accept it. But over time, I’ve realised that the stories we tell ourselves about life are incredibly important. Now, when things don’t go well, my go-to option is this: Option 3: Change the story you tell yourself.
- Stories don’t just shape the outcomes of situations; they also affect what you notice around you. For instance, there’s something called the “frequency illusion” (or the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon). This is a cognitive bias where, after becoming aware of something, you start noticing it everywhere.
- “There are two wolves in your head. A good wolf and a bad wolf. Which wolf wins? The one you feed the most.”
- For me, one of the best ways not to feed the bad wolf is to update and improve the stories I live by.
- If you’d like an example, take a look at the addendum for this blog.
Tim Urban The Story of Us
- Tim Urban’s The Story Of Us is likely my favourite blog series of all time.?
- This is how Tim puts part of the idea of how stories affect us.?
Are the stories society promotes fixed, or are they always evolving?
When I was growing up, I wasn’t even aware of the idea of ‘stories’. But now, I think it’s clear that they’re constantly changing.
Here is a blog I wrote on how parenting stories have changed over time.?
- Western parenting in the 1950s, 1980s and 2020s.?
- Eastern vs Western Parenting today.?
- Traditional vs Progressive Education approaches.
At the end of this blog is an addendum for what stories Ester Perel thinks are more helpful in romantic relationships vs the current standard stories (as defined by ChatGPT).?
Examples - Shorter ones here, a long one at the end of the blog
Example 1: Career Setback
- Stimulus: You didn't get the promotion you were hoping for at work.
- Old Story: "I'm not good enough. I always fail when it matters. There's no point in trying anymore."
- Outcome: Feelings of inadequacy and discouragement. Decreased motivation and productivity. Potentially considering leaving the job out of frustration.
- New Story: "This is an opportunity to learn and grow. Maybe I need to develop new skills or seek feedback to improve."
- Outcome: Renewed motivation to enhance your skills. Seeking constructive feedback from supervisors. Improved performance and better chances for future promotions.
Example 2: Relationship Conflict
- Stimulus: A close friend hasn't responded to your messages for several days.
- Old Story: "They must be angry with me or don't value our friendship anymore."
- Outcome: Feelings of anxiety and insecurity. Potential strain on the friendship due to assumptions. Withdrawing from the friend, which may harm the relationship.
- New Story: "They might be busy or going through something difficult. I should check in to see if they're okay."
- Outcome: Reaching out with care and concern. Offering support if they're facing challenges. Strengthening the friendship through understanding and empathy.
“The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates. A proposal for how to update the stories you live by.?
If stories are constantly changing—and often changing rapidly (just think about how the role of fathers has transformed within a single generation)—then perhaps it’s time to build your own stories instead of following the standard programming of the day.
A framework for ‘Option 3: Updating the story you tell yourself.’
- Step 1: Understand your current story.
- Step 2: Analyse how the standar story has evolved over the past 50-100 years (ask ChatGPT do this as a starting point).?
- Step 3: Explore 1+ other perspectives that is prevalent today.?
- Step 4. See which parts of the story you have today you see as helpful, and which parts you see as harmful.?
- Step 5: Start updating my story… and have fun!
Your personal story and shared stories with others influence your future.
Strategies to improve the future:
- L1: Remove or accept the situation causing tension.
- L2: Change how you interpret events (your story).
- L3: Help others update their interpretation of events.
- L4: Collaborate to refine shared models for understanding the world, such as “Stimulus × Story = Outcome.”
- You can’t expect to find a good life, but you can build one by creating meaningful stories.
- Instead of following pre-set ideas (the “standard program”), focus on crafting your own stories and helping others do the same.
- Shallow changes (like L1 and L2) often feel like “rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.” Real progress comes from engaging at L4.
- L4 doesn’t mean you share identical beliefs, but it enables you to discuss and evolve your perspectives together for mutual growth.
- At L4, you can explore how your stories shape outcomes, identify what’s helpful or harmful, and support each other’s growth over time.
- L1 is about quick fixes, finding stability.
- L4 is about collaboration and creating something transformative.
- Building a good life is more likely when both people aim for L4-level conversations.
If you only take away one thing
- Don’t be an unknowing slave to the standard story. Don’t work for the standard story. Build stories that work for you :).?
An example of the Standard Story vs A More Helpful Story. From ChatGPT based on this podcast with Huberman and Perel.?
Certainly! Here’s a deeper dive into Esther Perel’s key themes, comparing the "standard story" that people often believe or live by with the "optimal story" that Perel advocates.
Theme 1: Identity and Individuality in Relationships
- Standard Story: In relationships, people often think they should merge entirely with their partner, creating a unified identity. Many believe that the closer they get, the more they should share and become similar, sacrificing parts of themselves for the relationship. This is often seen as the way to show loyalty and commitment.
- Perel’s Optimal Story: Perel argues that healthy relationships allow room for both autonomy and togetherness. The ideal relationship involves partners maintaining their individual identities while supporting each other’s growth. Perel emphasises that holding onto one’s sense of self is essential for maintaining curiosity and excitement in a relationship. By embracing change and fostering individuality within a relationship, couples can evolve together rather than becoming stagnant or overly dependent.
Theme 2: The Purpose of Conflict in Relationships
- Standard Story: Many people view conflict as a problem to be avoided or a sign of incompatibility. Traditional advice often focuses on suppressing conflict to keep peace, or dealing with issues superficially without addressing the underlying dynamics.
- Perel’s Optimal Story: Perel sees conflict as an opportunity for deeper connection and understanding. She emphasises that rather than focusing on who’s right or wrong, partners should explore the feelings and unmet needs that fuel their conflicts. Conflict reveals each partner’s vulnerabilities and insecurities, which, when acknowledged, can strengthen intimacy. Perel also notes that curiosity over defensiveness can transform conflicts from attacks into productive conversations. The goal is not to eliminate conflict but to approach it as a path toward growth and empathy.
Theme 3: The Balance Between Love and Desire
- Standard Story: Conventional wisdom often promotes the idea that love and desire are the same or should naturally coexist in a healthy relationship. Love, in this view, is expected to be stable and provide comfort, while passion should ideally be sustained effortlessly over time.
- Perel’s Optimal Story: Perel asserts that love and desire are distinct needs that often come into conflict, especially in long-term relationships. Love is rooted in closeness, safety, and predictability, while desire thrives on distance, novelty, and mystery. Perel challenges couples to embrace this duality by finding ways to cultivate both intimacy and autonomy. By allowing for separateness and creating space for personal growth, couples can sustain desire without sacrificing love. According to Perel, rekindling desire is often about rediscovering one’s partner from a new perspective, rather than expecting passion to exist without effort.
Theme 4: Attachment Styles and Past Experiences in Shaping Intimacy
- Standard Story: It’s commonly believed that early attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant) are fixed and will directly predict one’s relationship patterns. People may feel resigned to reenacting old attachment wounds or seeking partners who will “fix” these unresolved issues.
- Perel’s Optimal Story: Perel acknowledges the impact of early attachment on adult relationships but believes that people can evolve beyond their attachment styles through self-awareness. She emphasises that our attachment histories don’t have to dictate our relational future, as we can actively rewire patterns. Perel encourages individuals to understand their attachment influences and then work towards creating secure, flexible dynamics with their partners. For instance, recognizing a fear of abandonment can help individuals express their needs more openly rather than reacting with anxious behaviours.
Theme 5: Sexuality and Erotic Blueprints
- Standard Story: In mainstream culture, sexuality is often seen in a purely physical, goal-oriented context (e.g., performance and outcome). Many believe that sexual issues are caused directly by relationship issues and that fixing the relationship will automatically fix the bedroom.
- Perel’s Optimal Story: Perel argues that sexuality is far more than a reflection of relationship quality—it is a parallel narrative with its own complex layers. She describes “erotic blueprints” as individualised expressions of our emotional needs and fantasies, often tied to past experiences and personal values. In her view, the key to understanding one’s sexual self lies in exploring what one seeks in intimacy, which may include feeling powerful, vulnerable, playful, or simply free. Rather than assuming sexual issues will resolve through general relationship improvements, Perel suggests couples should view sexual expression as a separate yet integral component, deserving unique attention and exploration.
Theme 6: Infidelity and the Quest for Aliveness
- Standard Story: Infidelity is typically seen as a sign of unhappiness in the primary relationship, a selfish betrayal, or an indicator that the relationship is failing. The response is often to blame one partner or seek closure through strict commitment rules.
- Perel’s Optimal Story: Perel challenges these assumptions, suggesting that infidelity often stems from a longing for lost parts of oneself rather than pure dissatisfaction with a partner. She explains that affairs can be about seeking aliveness, curiosity, and reawakening aspects of identity that have been neglected within the confines of the relationship. Although Perel does not condone infidelity, she suggests that couples approach it with empathy, using it as an opportunity for self-exploration and growth. By understanding the unmet needs or suppressed identities that may have led to the infidelity, couples can rebuild intimacy with a more profound understanding of each other.
Theme 7: Repair and Revival in Relationships
- Standard Story: Repair is often viewed as a one-time apology or grand gesture, meant to address the harm done and then move forward. This approach can lead to quick apologies without true depth or understanding, focusing more on conflict resolution than meaningful connection.
- Perel’s Optimal Story: Perel emphasises that true repair requires a combination of sincere apologies, empathy, and ongoing actions to show that the relationship and the partner are valued. She distinguishes between mere survival and “erotic recovery,” where couples don’t just move on from the hurt but actively rebuild with curiosity, playfulness, and a commitment to new experiences. For Perel, the ultimate goal is not only to resolve the conflict but to reawaken the aliveness of the relationship by embracing change, trying new things together, and developing an enriched, future-focused connection. The repair process, according to Perel, should lay the groundwork for a revitalised relationship that goes beyond just resolving the immediate issue.
Theme 8: The Power of Curiosity, Empathy, and a Growth Mindset
- Standard Story: People often enter relationships with fixed expectations of how their partner should act and what a “good” relationship should look like. They focus on solving conflicts quickly and defining roles within the relationship, sometimes with little room for growth or change.
- Perel’s Optimal Story: Perel advocates for a growth mindset rooted in curiosity and empathy. Instead of focusing on who’s right or enforcing specific roles, she encourages partners to remain open to understanding each other’s evolving needs and desires. Curiosity fosters resilience, adaptability, and a deeper connection as it invites both partners to continuously explore who they are individually and as a couple. This approach not only strengthens the relationship but also creates space for each partner’s personal growth within it.
Theme 9: Broader Societal and Cultural Impact of Relationship Dynamics
- Standard Story: Relationships are often viewed as personal, private matters, with little thought given to how relationship dynamics might reflect broader social issues.
- Perel’s Optimal Story: Perel believes that the way we handle personal relationships mirrors broader societal conflicts. Just as couples need empathy and curiosity to resolve differences, society could benefit from these qualities to bridge divides and foster mutual understanding. Perel’s approach to relationships invites us to see the dynamics in intimate relationships as a microcosm for larger cultural issues, suggesting that the same skills needed to maintain healthy partnerships—empathy, open communication, and a willingness to question assumptions—are equally important in fostering harmony in society at large.
Conclusion
- Perel’s vision for relationships is transformative, advocating for dynamic, curiosity-driven connections where each partner remains both true to themselves and fully engaged with their partner.
- By challenging the standard stories around love, intimacy, and connection, Perel encourages us to embrace the complexities and dualities in relationships, making space for both security and autonomy, familiarity and novelty, and love and desire.
- This balanced approach not only strengthens relationships but enriches each partner’s life, offering a model for personal growth, mutual respect, and enduring connection.
