The Stilllnesss Of The Layoff (aka Men Are Often Weak)

A few years back, I had this therapist and I also worked out in the same men’s “faith” group as him. I put “faith” in quotes there because while the workouts did end with what was vaguely akin to a faith circle or circle of trust concept, most of the guys in the group were massively consumed with stature and affluence and how they were perceived, and I’d classify maybe 6 to 10 of them as actually spiritual or faithful. Not for me to judge, absolutely, but it did often feel like a “Christmas or Easter” only crowd, ya know? (I’m also not arguing attending church is the only way to show faith, but it’s a stand-in for something bigger.)

Well, this therapist and I had ended our therapy partnership on not-so-great terms, some of which is detailed herein.

A few months after that ended, I was invited to a retirement party for a judge whose daughter and son I am friends with. I know this therapist also worked with this judge for a while, so I figure he will be there. Lo and behold, I arrive and this therapist sees me, and he scurries out of there like a rat on a 1600s ship, or like Josh Hawley running on January 6th.

Well, at the time I’m in this infertility spiral (still am) and this therapist dude has two young kids. So I’m looking at him racing away from a potentially-awkward conversation and thinking, “Wow, this is the type of man raising ’em up these days?” A trigger, but still.

Now, yesterday I got laid off from a church job. Weird. Still not 100% sure what happened there and probably never will be. As it unfolded in real-time, I started thinking through different interactions and points over the last 2–3 weeks to see if I could pinpoint anything specific that caused or drove it. A few dozen things were racing through my head as I left the building and called an Uber to come get me. Here’s one I came to as I sat on the bench outside the church.

In 2019, I got laid off from an agency job. In that layoff, what had happened was my boss — who sat directly across from me, I.e. we could see each other over our monitors — sent me an invite on Monday at 11am for a meeting on Friday at 8am. As soon as he sent the invite, he immediately got up and left the office. Then, he didn’t come in on Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday. On Wednesday and Thursday, he didn’t answer any emails or Slacks from me. On that Friday morning, I “joked” to my wife in the bathroom that “Well, I’ll probably be home early when I get laid off at 8am.” That’s exactly what happened.

That boss had essentially hid from me for 3.25 days, even though he clearly knew on Monday at 11am (if not well before) that he was ending my tenure there. I have no idea why the meeting needed to be Friday and couldn’t have been later that Monday; probably was tied to the availability of someone else (a woman named Haley) who needed to be in the Friday axe meeting to see me squirm.

So as I’m sitting on the bench yesterday, I think to myself: hmmm, did this happen at this gig? It somewhat did. My direct boss, who also kinda scurried away after he announced the “position elimination,” didn’t talk to me after about 5:30pm on Tuesday, when he sent one simple email about that Sunday’s church bulletin. (P.S. I finished the church bulletins for this week on Wednesday, way ahead of schedule, as I got laid off. Ha!) On Wednesday, he didn’t speak to me at all or answer any emails or anything else.

Now I kinda associate “silence” or “stillness” with “a layoff is coming.” That’s depressing. I need to not use that as a trigger in future jobs.

I’ve had two different friend groups where we used a variation of this joke: “Why is it bad to be called a pussy? Vaginas are actually stronger than dicks.” Indeed, they are. And most guys, to me, are well below the level of pussy. There’s almost a faux-masculinity these days, where men rely on conventional metrics such as title attained, income accrued, children sired, etc… but don’t do anything real anymore. They’re afraid to have awkward conversations. They can’t make eye contact during those conversations. They barely help their wives anymore.

The narrative that men are “strong” or “stronger” seems very flawed. Even the men I know who can deadlift well and run a good mile time cannot handle the actual shit that makes you a “man.” Whether it’s scurrying away from retirement parties or setting invites for layoffs 3.25 days out and going into hiding, it does feel like the bar for men is dropping.

Yes, these are but 2–3 examples. But have you not seen similar in your own life?