STILL ATTORNEYING-AT-HOME

This past April, I wrote an article reflecting on my first month of the COVID-19 lockdown with my family. I recently re-read that article to remind myself of the self-care advice that I had included within it, as preparing for pandemic-style back-to-school had me feeling incredibly out of sorts. As I had not felt that level of anxiety in quite a while, I thought the read would be a quick refresher; however, the reading spurred a more thorough evaluation of the impact of the preceding four months.

At the time I wrote that article, I found the sheer absurdity of being locked in a house with my four kids somewhat amusing—but I was also desperately trying to figure out how I was going to make it all work. Reading my clearly intense feelings of self-doubt concerning my ability to maintain my career and mother full-time made me sad. In some ways, I barely recognized the woman who wrote that article.

At the start of lockdown, I was a self-confessed perfectionist. I would obsess over the tiniest details in a simple blog post that the average reader would never notice. And even if they did, they certainly would not care. But just a month into lockdown, I had realized that I could not maintain that level of self-imposed perfection. I simply did not have the physical or emotional bandwidth. Yet I flippantly joked that my family and career were still moving along just fine based purely on luck. I will never denigrate my true feelings like that again.

My family and career are thriving in the middle of a pandemic simply because I work incredibly hard. Now that I am supporting the remote learning of three small children, caring for a toddler, working full-time, and serially volunteering, I know that I can do this successfully and continue to thrive. I also know that there is power in my ability to relinquish much of the control that I irrationally and unreasonably tried to hold onto during what now feels like a past life—and I am finally, absolutely comfortable and satisfied with that fact.

So, because the self-care advice I wrote about previously remains relevant, I updated those tips and am sharing them again, now.

1. I will not do more than what must be done in a 24-hour period.

To-do lists have remained critical in keeping me organized, on task, and panic attack free. But now that I have so many more projects and no longer have hired in-home help (because I have chosen to decrease the number of people I allow in our home), I have developed a system of using color-coded notebooks. Each child and special work project have their own colored notebook. I leave the notebooks in one location and force myself to only take out and focus on one at a time. I do this while reminding myself that since I am only one person and can only complete one project at a time, there is no need to have several projects staring at me and causing me anxiety.

2. I will not do more than I or my children genuinely need and want.

Like many of us, I was completely blindsided this past March by having to suddenly support remote schooling for my kids. Not only did I have little idea of what I was doing but my kids were so discombobulated after being ripped from their routines that they were extremely resistant to learning. But now, with a brand-new school year upon us, I am feeling compelled to try my very best to keep up with the schoolwork while also working full-time. Only time will tell though if I can make it work and keep my sanity. I do know, however, that I would rather slow the kids’ schooling than strain our parent-child relationship with daily school battles. Truly, I would rather they all sit the year out if it really came down to it. We will all try our best, but I refuse to push any of us further than is reasonable.

3. I will focus my tasks on what I can believably solve, while ignoring as best I can anything that seems beyond my control for the day.

As the months have passed, and isolation has continued, I have been able to fully (and happily) embrace the necessary changes to my routines. I am mediating cases both virtually and in the office. The kids have grown accustomed to being quiet and staying away from my in-home virtual mediation set. “Webinar” and “Zoom meeting” are also terms my kids now commonly use. So, what seemed impossible, if not insurmountable in March and April, are now par for the course. My kids’ resilience and adaptability has meant that I have been able to expand my business. My initial fears that I would have to scale back or develop more slowly have proven to be unfounded. So as the schoolyear begins, I have resolved to not make the mistake of worrying about things I cannot change.

4. I will continue to be intentional about allowing myself the grace that I afford everyone else.

This principle has been the hardest to implement but I continue to work on it. I am extremely hard on myself and always feel like I could do better at everything I attempt. But as I stated above, my kids have risen to the occasion and actually afforded me the grace that I have struggled to grant myself. This has been the ultimate, most beautiful surprise of the pandemic. My kids have proven themselves to be far more selfless than I ever could have imagined a two, four, six, and nine-year-old could be. I have been humbled by their resilience and empathy.

5. I will continue to ask for help and encourage my family, friends, colleagues, and yes, even you to do the same.

I believe that I have thrived during the past few months because I have been willing to ask for help. Because I spend most of my time at home, I now shoulder more of the housework. So, a large set of tasks that I previously outsourced have been left to me to accomplish. Of course, that means that other things must be outsourced—from bookkeeping to making the kids’ doctors’ appointments. And I am okay with that. My goal is for my family to emerge on the other side of isolation with our mental health intact. And if it that means I must rely on a team of people, so be it.

Winter Wheeler is a mediator and arbitrator who can be contacted at [email protected] or https://bit.ly/WinterWheeler.