Stigma
Wadzanai Garwe
President at Federation of International Civil Servants' Associations (FICSA)
#hivawarenessandprevention Reading the three latest stories will change your mind about stigma; will make you re-evaluate what love is and will challenge parents who never have/had the conversation with their children about passing on the virus. I'm just going to put some quotes here for you:
? I carry a personal responsibility representing the younger generation of those living with HIV. I want to be a vessel for those who feel as though they can't speak up or are unable to do so, as everyone’s story is a valid one.
? 2 years later after my diagnosis, I came out publicly about my status. What started as self-healing led to helping and healing others. I’ve seen a lot of stigma and have been through a lot of stigma over the years because of my HIV status. It gave me a drive and purpose to be able to do something positive from something so negative in people's eyes. I found comfort in this path I had chosen to walk that it didn't really feel like a choice. I thought at that time “If I come out publicly about my status, I’ll see who my true friends are”, and I did!
? The next part is a blur, yet so clear. I remember the doctor asking me “Do you have anyone here with you today?” and I didn’t even think it was possible in lockdown, that's when the water works kicked in. The only understanding of HIV I had was Freddy Mercury dying of AIDS. I didn’t even think it existed anymore, but it did, it does and I now had it.
? Like many at that stage in life I viewed life through rose coloured glasses. I was young and naive and thought my partner was true and faithful. Little did I know I was being cheated on, manipulated and abused in so many ways. It wasn't love and it's easy to see that all now. Though we were still living together through all of this, our relationship had ended. He got sick and got tested for all STDs, STIs and had full blood tests and came back positive with syphilis. I believe he hid the HIV diagnosis from me at this time and I only found out after my diagnosis that he had it first. Though it had been a long time since we were sexually active, I thought I better get tested specifically for STIs and Ds just in case.
? When told “You have HIV” at the age of 24 years old, you feel cheated. Like your life had been ripped away and your heart with it. Those that are reading this and have been told those words all have an unspoken mutual understanding of our diagnosis day. It's not something you CAN put into words but rather put into action, perhaps a hug.
? We are more than the virus and the direction of love it pushes us to pursue.
? My genetic code has ensured that I will to be loved, but my paranoia and sociopathy lives on.
? Living with HIV can be an arduous journey, fraught with societal prejudices and misunderstandings. Even my own parents who carried the virus at that point still were disgusted by my situation. The mere mention of being sick, or needing medication refills would elicit a visceral reaction. Even with my parents I was cast in the role of the grim reaper, an embodiment of fear and repulsion in the eyes of others. Psychologically speaking, without their acceptance of the situation, how could a mere 15 year old comprehend and accept the situation.
? I lived out my entire high school experience having casual relationships. No sex, just vibes. I mean how does a person to unpack the Deuteronomy that I was born with this virus. I mean they would have questions which I could not answer because my parents and I never had the conversation. We will never have the conversation because I think they are embarrassed by that history. From a young age, I was always sick. I never understood why, I was always segregated by everyone as if I was waste matter. Again I never understood why. To make matters worse my parents were never there because they had to work as the economic climate in my country was beyond desperation. So for 14 years my parents wandered into the diaspora to secure a beautiful future for us. When they came back it was not until I was 15 and was hit with the good old friend of mine 250mg of cotrimoxazole (antibiotic). I remember when I got the diagnosis from the Professor, I cried almost the whole way home, but internally though because my Dad when he saw a tear would0 shout - “Why are you crying? You are not dead! No one said you are dying! Stop being ungrateful.” My mother even echoed “We and other more people have more problems to worry about, do not bore us with your crying.” Nine years down the line these words still pierce my heart.
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? The weight of the news (HIV diagnosis) felt unbearable, and I felt lost and alone. As I sat there, consumed by sadness, I couldn't help but think about how much I missed my mother. All I wanted was for her to be there, to wrap her arms around me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. But my mother had since passed in 2003. The pain in my heart was almost too much to bear, and I felt like I was drowning in a sea of sorrow. The memories of my mother flooded my mind, and I longed for her comforting embrace. Her absence felt like a gaping hole in my soul, and I didn't know how to fill it. All I knew was that I missed her more than words could express, and I just wished she was there to give me a hug.
? During my tertiary education from 2007-2010, I attended an all-girls boarding school. While I was expected to be confident and empowered, I was not prepared to keep my diagnosis a secret. I was unprepared to face the stigma and judgement that came with it. I had not anticipated the difficulties in maintaining my mental health and sense of identity. Unfortunately, my experience was not immediately empowering. Little did I know that I was about to be thrust into a world of crazy and cackling hyenas. It was about to be a wild ride, and I'm still trying to make sense of it all!
Thelma can never have the conversation with her parents they are both gone.
I advocate for parents who are HIV positive to have a conversation with their children to whom they passed the virus. It's just not fair to assume that the child can have that conversation. Please read the stories and share widely.
If you would still like to contribute the window of opportunity is closing quickly. The deadline is 15 June 2023 as the 18 month journey comes to a close. It's truly opened my eyes to the lived reality of people with HIV. Please share it particularly with health providers because their bedside manner can change the trajectory of a patient.
Email: [email protected] or whatsapp or inbox me
Welcome to the stories of Steph, Afrodite and Thelma