The Stigma Surrounding Mental Health

Mental Health, specifically men’s mental health is a subject very close to my heart. And I want to talk about the stigma’s surrounding mental health as we close Mental Health Awareness month.

TW: Suicide

When I was 22 years old my father was 44, and he took his own life. It was his second attempt within 6 weeks and was shocking. I am eldest of 5 children, and it had ramifications for us all. Fast forward 25 years later and my 2nd oldest brother took his life January 2021 during Covid in the UK. He left a 6-year-old son behind and was 41 years old.

Both left me with immense feelings of guilt, grief and confusion. It is traumatic. Some people do not recover from losing a loved one in “normal” circumstances let alone these ones.

But I have learnt firsthand how as human beings, whilst we can sometimes be so fragile, sometimes we are resilient.

The challenge is we all have edges that we don’t always understand, we may not know where our edge is, or that of those we love and work with. Mostly we all assume we are the same. This isn’t the case. We are all brought up differently, with different belief systems and values absorbed into us at poignant points in our lives. We are then handed a different pair of shoes and circumstances to weather. So, we are very far from being the same in what we can cope with or not.

Could anyone- or extra mental health support- or different legislation have saved my brother or father? Maybe? Who knows?

What I found shocking was during the lengthy process of the inquest for my brother’s death is it felt like not much had changed in 25 years around the stereotyping of suicide and depression. I found this deeply frustrating considering the huge rise in suicide in the past decade. Did you know that suicide is the leading cause of death for Australian’s aged between 15–45-year-olds? That 75% of those who take their own life are male?

I’m not seeking sympathy, we had incredible support during both deaths. My intent is for us all to become more aware. I actually don’t like R U OK Day. Because to me it is far too little and almost condescending. I know it comes from a place with good intention and maybe limited experience relative to my own.

My intention is to engage further with those who suffer with their mental health and those who have loved ones, and work colleagues who suffer.

I do not have the solution to mental illness, but I do believe that deeper awareness and compassion goes a long way. When someone with a mental illness is at their peak of this, they are not great to be around, they don’t make good choices, they don’t take good advice. Sometimes they just withdraw, and each person may think another person is connecting with the person who has withdrawn. This is because they are unwell and feel that the world would be a better place without them, that’s a tough place to pull yourself out of.

There is a documentary about people who have tried to end their lives by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. The few survivors all said the second they did it they regretted it. So how can we help? We help by being there, all the time, if necessary, we help by getting them support not just a quick appointment at the GP for antidepressants, in our experiences this did not work. There is a huge adult population suffering from undiagnosed chronic ADHD for example, who when put on certain drugs get worse because this is not their diagnosis. They spend a lot of their adult lives self-medicating with drugs and alcohol because they feel so confused, lonely, and misunderstood.

I am not trying to be a doctor at all but for many people it is the start of a long journey. Just as if you had cancer and needed a 12-month protocol with an immense support network and infrastructure around you. It’s the stigma that needs to go. My son had a rare childhood cancer when he was four, nd the unconditional support we had was immense.

Depression is another illness, no on knows when you get to your edge and its impossible often to help yourself once you are at the edge as you will also be paranoid. To alleviate the edge patients may drink more alcohol, take illicit drugs and behave quite poorly to get some relief from their symptoms. So, when they need the most help their behaviour needs the compassion of a saint.

To those of you who are not well or become unwell, remember this if nothing else, “this too shall pass”, it may or may not take a long time, but you will get better. You must hang onto this thought.

The sun always comes up and no one wants a universe that does not have you in it, ever, regardless of what you have done and what has been said. When you take your life, you leave behind a tonne of broken and confused hearts, big gaps in families and friends and workplaces that should not be there.

So please phone someone, beg them to sit with you until the sun comes back up. Everyone touched by this says if they had of known they would have done anything to support that person, they just did not know how bad it was. When I went to my brother’s celebration of life, a year later in January 2022, there was a queue of his closest friends, each one thought it was their fault.

After extensive counselling, me and my youngest brother discussed how we had both spent 20 years feeling responsible for our father’s death. We really giggled about it as the reasons were quite funny- if only we were that powerful; he was 16 and I was 22, how could we cause such an outcome?

But also, what a waste of our energy, all those years later still carrying that around.

So, I guess what I am saying is it takes everyone, the people who are unwell to have faith that us, the ones who are well can and want to take care of them, whatever that may look like, and we follow that up with loving behaviour and commitment.

In the work place we could spend a little less time gossiping about people and maybe a little more time asking them how they really are. Find out what pets they have, what they do as hobbies, what makes them really laugh.

Here’s what I have learnt through all of this.

I have my own small yoga business for children and teens to enable another way to work themselves out and have a connection to something else. I am a mental health first aider. I carry out meditation and mindfulness practice at work with the team, I like to believe I work on being more compassionate every day to anyone. That does not mean I am a pushover and don’t keep people accountable, I do, it’s part of my job that I love. But I do like to think that I am able to determine most of the time when to encourage and when to hug, and its also ok when I get it wrong, because the intention behind both is good.

My mum took the lead, representing “herself” during my brother’s inquest which took 3 days during Covid and then adjourned and another 2 days of going through the intense build up to his final moments. My whole family were present, me online. We got the attention of the Chief Health Officer of the county, and as a result they have committed to an extensive number of changes within the health system; more resources allocated to the diagnosis and treatment of adult ADHD, a new IT system that will capture all files, more adequately experienced call centre practioners, and most significant both the addiction and mental health units working closer together… ?to name but a few.

My biggest most profound learning is that shame and guilt has no place for us as human beings, its stops us helping ourselves and each other. Everyone, particularly men as you have the higher statistics at the moment, share your moments of despair and sadness. Your wives, husbands, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers and children want you here for as long as possible, regardless.

So, RU OK? I don’t think quite covers it for me but being kind and compassionate regardless probably does.

If you do find yourself struggling, please reach out for help. There are people who want you here.

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