The Stigma of Living with Mental Health Issues and Concerns.

I've had to fight for years to get a proper diagnosis (Bipolar) and help with my mental health concerns. And everyone I met along the way has kept asking me why I wanted to be diagnosed with “such a thing.” Doctors, nurses, friends and strangers alike all asked me if I was aware of the huge stigma Bipolar carried, of the judgments and prejudices from society and mainstream media.

In my quest to be a mental health advocate for both myself and others, I have learned a lot about Bipolar through the eyes of others, and every single word uttered was horrifying to me, but most shocking of all was the conclusion that people with Bipolar are “Crazy.”

I have spent months reading books and blogs, watching YouTube videos, going to school and talking to people in the hopes of educating myself about mental health. I saw myself in almost every symptom, making me a “classic, looney bird.” Some books and websites were compassionate, reassuring and validating, but the majority made me feel like I was some super villain and that I ought to be avoided or even exiled because of my mental health.

When I finally got my diagnosis, after a tidal wave of emotions was witnessed firsthand by a crisis team, and after my suicide attempt in a matter of weeks, I was fully ready to hand back the diagnosis with a not-so-polite “f**k you!”

For months on end, I was inundated with suicidal thoughts and depression. I spent many a weeks locked up in a psych ward of a hospital. And all those in the healthcare field (doctors, nurses, etc; upon looking at my history, made their mind up about me in an instant.

All of a sudden, I wasn’t Daniel, a person who could function on my own, I was Daniel a person with a mental health issue and treated like a child who doesn't get what he wants. As good as the healthcare system is, it has big flaws. Flaws that require people like myself, who might not actually be suicidal at all but uses it because I know it’ll get me the help I think I need.

I heard firsthand how my behaviors were manipulative or attention-seeking, and I stopped reading books on bipolar, because almost all of them told me I should be avoided. My self-esteem and self-worth plummeted to an even lower level than I thought possible. When the healthcare system (mental health experts,) tell you, you can't be trusted and you can't even trust yourself to make sound decisions...this is the life of so many persons I know and have spoken with about their own mental health. This is the type of stigma we face and live with every day.

One night at I came across a website for men who were “in recovery” for their mental health and how it affects their relationships with others “those without a mental health issue or concern.” I laughed and joked at how ridiculous such a site was. Then we found an article called “How to Train Your Brain, if You Have a Mental Health Issue” and once again, I laughed (actually cried the absurdity of such a piece.) I still look back at that article and I can’t help but think – is this how the world really views me and others?

I didn’t want to be diagnosed with a mental health issue, but for any other reason that I wanted targeted treatment. After years and years of doctors sending me away because they didn’t know how to deal with a person in crisis, I wanted to finally be understood by medical staff. Instead what I got was a “one size fits all label” that branded me as untrustworthy, aggressive and manipulative.

I know I have a particularly paranoid mind, but that spoke volumes to me about how I couldn’t be trusted. Since my diagnosis, any self-harm or suicidal thoughts have been brushed off as cries for help or mere symptoms of my disorder.

I spent years asking doctors what was wrong with me, why I was so emotional, why my mind instantly turned to suicide if something even slightly scary happened in my life. When I was tired of searching for answers about myself, I turned to other people who I believed could “save me.” I have been in a string of unstable, abusive relationships because I needed to feel loved, despite the violence or the abuse I received. I turned to alcohol and drugs. Little did I realize that everything I turned to was actually a symptom of my mental health.

I fought for years to get this diagnosis so I could access correct treatment and targeted medication, and while my medication has changed to suit my disorder, the treatment I have received by medical professionals has left me feeling more broken and more abandoned then ever.

I recognize that Bipolar, is one of the most difficult disorders to treat for a number of reasons. We tend to engage in fast and fleeting relationships, be it romantic, therapeutic, or friendship. We may experience “black or white” thinking, meaning we “spilt” on people very easily, putting them in a mental box labelled either “good” or “bad.” At our worst, we may “test” people to see if they will abandon us.

I do understand why my diagnosis makes me a harder case to treat, but don’t I deserve the same treatment, the same level of compassion and understanding as any other person with a illness? There are many therapists out there who flat-out refuse to treat people with Bipolar because we are considered to be manipulative and mentally draining. None of my actions are manipulative by choice, and everything I’ve ever said or done is out of an uncontrollable fear of abandonment or desperation.

I also do not intend to be so intense or mentally draining, even though I can clearly see that’s how I am being perceived. And believe me, as much as you might loathe me, I can assure you I hated myself than you can even imagine. I like most people with a mental health diagnosis can feel like we are society’s castaway and the most unworthy and unbearable of people. So when you dedicate yourself to the profession of psychology, try to be aware that not all of your patients will be a “quick fix.” You chose this field because you want to help people. That should mean all of us.

Now you know the rest of the story about living with the stigmas surrounding persons, living with a mental health issue and concern. Please note throughout this article I have not used the words mental illness, because claiming one is mentally ill, is part of the stigma we face. For some fucked up reason, people and society tend to think, once mentally ill, you will always be or are mentally ill, nothing can be further from the truth.