STFU #37 - He won’t marry Siri if you stand by your Man - Male Loneliness and Vulnerable Founders

If you have seen?The Big Bang Theory, you would have seen this.?

Raj Koothrapalli is a nerd in the US, and like most nerds, has a limited friend circle. Then he buys an iPhone and discovers the virtual assistant Siri. Upon Raj’s insistence, Siri calls him ‘sexy’. As they start talking, and as Siri shares her suggestions, Raj discovers that Siri ‘understands’ him so well and ‘reads’ him like a book!

Over a few days, he concludes that Siri is his soulmate and almost plans on marrying her. As he approaches her in ‘the office of Siri’, and is about to propose to her, he goes silent and is unable to speak to her, as he loses his voice.?

And then he wakes up from his dream, screaming in frustration! (the 5-min entertaining episode cut?can be seen here)

While the story is a little satirical, it highlights 2 serious parts of our lives - our loneliness and our addiction to digital devices as a potential solution to it.

'The Best a Man Can Get' or 'See the Good in Men'?

Last night, I was fortunate to attend a dinner with my alumni at P&G, and was inspired by the journey traveled by the brands - my favorite being Gillette.?

Sometime back, P&G came out with a 'woke' way to hold men responsible for their actions and help each other be a better version of themselves. While the ad faced a major backlash, the point was about men changing their 'sexist' or 'macho' outlook and helping each other to be the ‘best’ version of themselves. “Because the boys watching today, will be the men of tomorrow?- the Best a man can get”. See this 2-min clipping to?find out more

Interestingly, in response, another brand, Egard Watches came out with how men are not such a bad version of ‘men’, and a ‘different’ version of what is being projected - vulnerable, more likely to commit suicide, more likely to be kept away from their children, more likely to be beggars - an emotional video on how men are trying....to be better! and that we should appreciate and see the good in men

Both the stories highlight a key issue with men- their loneliness and the impact on them. And how it is not talked about at the level it should be.?

Around 2 years back,?I had written a?long piece on Male Loneliness?- a topic that’s still close to my heart, a trend quite evident as some of these men become founders or take up senior positions in startups.?

Most Men are lonely - they just don't want to admit it

Spending our time with children is a big priority for most of us "Men" these days. Out of the time left of the day, outside our ‘busy calendar’ at work, we consciously decide to spend time with kids and family.??Part of what is left goes into little bickering with our better halves or parents - what is left out of that goes into salvaging or constructing our "online personal identity" that the branding gurus rant about these days!

And there, the day is over.?

Looks like most things are tick-marked. You are becoming a 'successful family man'.

Or are you? Are you, by any chance, still feeling that there is something missing? Something incomplete? Do you know who to reach out to if you are not feeling good and want to share a personal loss or anxiety? Or do you tell yourself that you only have to ‘figure it out’ as you can’t think of anyone you can speak to, as most of them might judge you or find you ‘weak’ or ‘will be busy in their own life’?

Incidentally, Loneliness is an issue more common with?Middle-aged men. While one might think that old age is lonelier, apparently 35-49 year-olds, (in case some of you still think you are ‘young’) are about three times more likely to feel high-level loneliness than men aged over 65.

Multiple findings have shared that men?would not admit to feeling lonely, preferring to keep it hidden.?Sharing our insecurities and vulnerabilities with people is not something that we have been 'trained' to do, right from childhood. Even marriage does not make it better for men!

We have our own ways to cope -?Individualistic addictive hobbies like constantly being on the phone, gaming, watching porn, randomly being on social media, and jealous-ing your way on other's claims of success - all this is only increasing loneliness - these are more coping mechanisms than addiction. Loneliness is a disease, and it only worsens with the evolving world around us.

So how do you solve it -?While I have written the solution in the earlier article, here is a quick 3-point hack -

Mathematically speaking, loneliness can be beaten with the help of this equation:?vulnerability x time = depth of connection.

By amplifying their vulnerability levels, one can reduce the amount of time it takes for men to form real friendships

Face-to-face?-?Making friends gets?more difficult with age.?As men enter their forties, the situation often gets worse.? More so, men bond better through face-to-face contact and activities, whereas women find it much easier to hold onto an emotional connection through phone conversations.?

Groups?- Our social structures function differently, too. Male friendships are more likely to flourish in groups, whereas women favor one-to-one interactions.

So be more vulnerable, have more face-to-face contacts, and meet in groups!

Lonely Startups

Glynda Alves?wrote?a nice piece?on how you get lonelier at the top, as a senior manager, a CEO, or a founder. While there are multiple reasons to make you feel lonely, including decision making, and separating lines on profession and relationships, but a lot of it boils down to lack of exposing ‘vulnerabilities’. In a world where failures are not openly talked about, vulnerabilities are only hidden in our brains. With Founders having to ‘present’ an image, as most stakeholders are betting on them; Being vulnerable is a strict?no-no?- Investors, Employees, and Families - have to see you in a ‘resilient’ mode and not in a ‘vulnerable’ mode. As a result, few of us realize when someone actually needs help.

A brilliant ad by Norwich City Football Club -? on how to discover mental health -?At times, it can be obvious when someone is struggling to cope. But sometimes, the signs are harder to spot.

A key issue with men.?Check-in on those around you.?You are not alone.?

While?the ad is on mental health, this is very relevant to what loneliness can cause.?

What if you open up? What if you accept that the road is not easy and you need help??

You might see the world for slightly longer and probably, with more smiles!

You are not alone!

At?True Elements, I have been lucky to have a bouncing board, mentor, champion, cheerleader, and confidant in?Sreejith Moolayil. And fortunate to have a team around me who is fine to be mutually vulnerable. As time goes by, the equation is only making the connection deeper.?

In a Nutshell

So if you see 'your' men in the house constantly on the phone but not sure what to browse, or generally cranky, don't think of them 'getting a life' or don't taunt them to 'get a life', just go and hug (and ask your children or pets to) hug the 'Dad' in the house! He doesn't need it but....he needs it!?

And Next time you find any of your 'male' friends simply acting as if they don't get impacted by any emotion, just go ahead and give them a tight hug - you would have made more than a big difference in their lives already!

And finally, encourage your boys to go out and make more friends - don't make them men without friends!

As Tammy Wynette wrote in her 1968 song 'Stand by Your Man' (top of the charts in country music),

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman

Givin' all your love to just one man

You'll have the bad times

And he'll have the good times

Doing things that you don't understand

But if you love him, you'll forgive him

Even though he's hard to understand

And if you love him, oh, be proud of him

'Cause, after all,?he's just a man

Stand by your man

Give him two arms to cling to

And something warm to come to

When nights are cold and lonely

Stand by your man

And show the world you love him

Keep giving all the love you can

Stand by your man

Men’s day

Today is International Men's Day - a day to celebrate men’s achievements as well as to spread awareness of the issues faced by men. However, unlike Women’s Day, Men’s Day is not recognized by the United Nations.?

But thanks to the day today, it is getting recognized naturally! Today’s a day when almost every?cricket-curious?house will be cheering for the men in blue. Maybe we should all cheer for the men in our house and wish them a Happy Men’s Day!

To those who are responding with?‘I need my Me time’ OR? ‘Na. Not Me’ OR ‘Come on. Why Me’ - Happy Men’s Day

To those who know they are not alone, STFU!

References:

Medium Article on Male Loneliness,?Lyrics of Stand by your Man,?Big Bang Theory Siri Episode,?Economic Times - Lonely CEOs,?Glynda Alves,?Middle Aged Loneliness,?Gillette Ad,?Song - Stand by your Man,?Mental Health Ad

Images:?Siri