Steps 8 and 9: Cleaning Up Your Relationships

We’re going through some processes of things you can do to help you become a person who does not have to use alcohol to get through life.

That’s not to say there aren’t some people who have fun with it, but that was not me. Alcohol destroyed my life. I couldn’t stop drinking it. I’m talking about what I did that helped me become a person who didn’t have to use alcohol and overuse alcohol.

We talked about many things and got to the point where we made a list of things we felt terrible about. Then we asked God to take away the flaws in our character that caused us to keep doing that. Now it’s time to clean up our life because I’m sure if you’re like me, you had many people in your life whom you didn’t have the best relationship with them, let’s say that.

I didn’t have any relationship with most people because I just wasn’t showing up. I made a list of people that I needed to make amends to. This is the one that people hear about this on TV shows. People go around making amends. It starts by just making a list. Then, once again, you take that list to someone you trust, and you begin to talk about what you’re going to do, how you’re going to change your relationship to these people. And that’s really what a is amends is about. Amends means to change. It doesn’t mean to go and apologize. “Gee, I’m sorry I slept with your wife. I’m sorry I stole money from you.”

Now the money’s a different thing. But you don’t want to go to somebody and say, “I’m sorry I slept with your wife.” That is not going to help the situation one bit. You never make amends or go and directly apologize to someone when it’s going to hurt that person. Remember, you’re trying to make everything right, not make things worse.

If I’ve done financial things, like pay people back, I do something like that, but it’s about changing and allowing people to know that you have changed. So you just want to begin to act like the person you want to be. Sometimes you’re going to apologize. It is very seldom an apology, “I’m sorry, I did this,” really going to do it. “I’m sorry that I wrecked your kid’s birthday party by being drunk.” Mostly what you need to do to make amends there is to go to another birthday party and act like a decent human being. That’s the amend, not saying you’re sorry.

I never suggest to, very seldom, I should say, recommend to somebody to go and say you’re sorry. It’s just man up, woman up, act like a decent human being. That’s the real key here. Act like a decent human being, show up, be responsible. That’s how we make amends to people, not by doing some meaningless word exercise. You show up for your relationships. You’re kind to people. You’re responsible. If you say you’re going to do something, you do it. You don’t mouth the words, “Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.” It doesn’t work that way.

That’s my take on making amends to people. What they show you on TV is mostly BS about working the steps to get sober. Just remember, this is about you inhabiting, fully inhabiting, your life so that you can begin to live and to be incredibly happy because this is about you. This is all leading to your happiness and to you having the best life that you can have.

Good luck with that. It’s hard, but once you’re done with it, it is such a relief. It is such a relief. It’s the most liberating thing you can do just not to have people glowering at you when you show up. It will change all of your relationships.

Good luck. I hope it’s helpful. Hope I see you again. Thanks. Bye.

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