Stepping into the Uncomfortable

The phrase "stepping into the uncomfortable" is one I have been using a lot more recently and I have actually been talking to several groups about it over the past couple of months. It really is a way of viewing the world that reminds you of the choices you have as those uncomfortable moments arise.

As I talked to a group this week, I recounted one of the first experiences where it truly occurred to me that stepping in was a conscious choice I could make. One that may make me really uncomfortable not knowing what I'll step into, may even mean I make mistake and trip myself with some clumsy error and twist my ankle or do something else that causes me some pain but it is the only way that really allows me to go forward, to grow. And after a few steps, I usually start finding my footing and things get better.

A Really Uncomfortable Boarding Experience

It's been a decade since I took a trip to Charleston that will likely never be forgotten. It was an annual meeting where I was part of the team that launched new products to the farmers who would give products a thorough in field test before they were made commercial. And while it moved from city to city, Charleston has always been a place that I loved and it was homebase many years. I had spent a long weekend just ahead of the holidays in a happy place, with people I enjoy hanging out with talking about cotton.

I was definitely on a high.

That high had come to a screeching halt when I left the hotel though.... the delays at the Charleston airport were bad and most were endured on the airplane rather than in the terminal. It was one of those few days when I didn't have snacks because I knew I had an hour and a half or so in Atlanta at meal time and I'd be set. However.... instead of a leisurely bite to eat in Atlanta I ended up running a marathon sprint between concourses and gates and sliding into the jetway as the agents were closing the door.

Everyone else was seated and buckled. I collapsed into my window seat throwing my backpack on the floor ahead of me thankful I was in comfort seating so at least nobody else had to get up. As my heart rate began to normalize, I struggled to pull myself together and noticed the lady next to me give me a friendly smile. We chatted a bit and it was clear she was having a day too.

She was traveling with a dear friend who was upgraded to first class. That friend was in the final stages of lung cancer and I can't imagine how hard it was for my seatmate. She was preoccupied with the friend and I can't blame her in the least. She asked where I had been and the happy thoughts came back as I said Charleston and explained the weekend with hundreds of cotton farmers excited about what the coming year could bring. She seemed surprised to hear such meetings exist and inquired about what kind of work I do.

When I said the name of the company I worked for -- Monsanto, she stopped in her tracks. She gasped. Yes, an actual audible gasp and said "Monsanto is evil." And suddenly I felt trapped next to someone who thought I was evil because while she didn't say that, the expression of judgment on her face clearly did.

I could do the comfortable thing and pop the headphones I had been getting out before storing my bag in my ears and gaze out the window or I could get all that pent up energy in me out by letting her have it with a rant. Luckily my heart also told my brain I could try to unravel why the two of us were so far apart on this. (More of that story if you like on my blog.)

We All Have Truly Uncomfortable Moments

No doubt that is a an extreme that few people have thrust upon them, but it may have taken something that extreme to help me realize that it is truly a conscious choice to step into the uncomfortable moments when we frequently tell ourselves it is easier to take a couple of steps backward.

The biggest part of the uncomfortable is from emotions like fear and frustration. I have realized over the years, there are more and more of these moments that are being created by people and/or organizations for their own reasons. There are people out there who are monetizing the discomfort of others and selling fear and outrage. Others get some sort of energy from creating the negative energy and will troll all day looking for someone they can pull down.

While those people are definitely the loudest, the majority of people fall elsewhere. In my experience, most of the things that make us uncomfortable come from people who:

• have only heard one perspective or have a limited amount of information on-hand
• simply have a different viewpoint but didn't mean to create tension
• may not have thought through things as much as reacted
• There are other reasons I am sure, but regardless, the vast majority of people should be given the benefit of the doubt for the discomfort they inflict.

The Rule of 3 Questions

If I get this really uncomfortable feeling when talking or interacting with someone new, the easiest way I have found to decide whether a conversation will provide productive for each of us is to ask them three questions seeking to understand them.

I'd love to have a magical three questions, but you do know we are talking about being uncomfortable, so it stands to reason that each of us would have different questions for different interactions. The key is to make sure you are objective with the questions (in other words, no judgment allowed) and that your goal is to understand the person NOT to respond to or debunk what they say.

Some of the questions I find myself using frequently include:

• Is there some place you'd recommend me go to learn more? A book, video, etc.
• What connection do you have to that? Have you seen or experienced that personally?

After you feel certain you understand the person and think your viewpoint through some more, considering new information, that's when you ask if you can share what you know on the topic. I usually say something like "my experience has been a bit different, would you like to hear about it? If they say no after you listened to all their points, turn in the towel. Find a way to politely excuse yourself. If the uncomfortable conversation is going forward, talk about your perspective from the commonground you understand you have with that person -- don't just hit your soapbox.

It's Not Fair to Get Targeted

Few people understand what it is like to be in the focus until the controversy and attention are aimed at them. And most of us who have worked through it will admit that adrenaline can kick in when you are targeted. The people who want to troll you, count on you reacting rather than being measured and thoughtful. But planning and communication can overcome adrenaline.

Knowing very few of us like to be the target of controversy, trolls are much like bullies. It’s not fair... not what we were taught in journalism school... not the way the world should work

None of that matters.

Thinking Through Your Steps

People throwing you off your game likely aren't counting on you planning your approach in advance.

Some of the things to consider include:

• What are the areas where you can expect criticism? Do you want to be sure people understand your position proactively?
• Are there friends or groups you work with already on polarizing topics that may be willing to share content on their channels illustrating the work you have done?
• Getting a diversity of viewpoints helps, espcially on topics that may be charged.
• Who else needs to know you have worked through it? Professionally it may be leadership, communicators, customers, etc. Personally it may be family members, dear friends,
• In general, friends (students, parents, alumni, etc) may not realize how it feels, most want to show their support but are not sure how. Who would step up if asked? How can you let them know you need their help or support?
• If you are going to engage, engaging people early always helps even though it can be most uncomfortable.
• There may be some things that are really charged for you, working to gain perspective is good, sometimes not engaging is the right choice.

Growth Comes Your Way

This process really does provide the opportunity for a lot of growth.... You will find yourself challenging your own perceptions, finding new ways of looking at things and more. And sometimes you may find new allies.