Stepping in to step-parenting

Stepparents get a bit of a bad rap. In Grimm fairy tales, the stepparent is often the grim element, and stories such as Snow White and Cinderella depict children’s lives suffering because of a new partner.

But in my clinical experience, stepparents can be a very positive impact on children. Let’s discuss some elements of introducing a new partner.

A main challenge for a stepparent being introduced into a family is because they enter a situation where the family has faced a challenge of some sort - be it loss of a parent or divorce. This means that the children might be more emotional, particularly if it’s a recent event. In these situations, it’s important that the relationship proceeds very slowly and considerately. There’s potential harm in children feeling like important people are being replaced.

Prior to even meeting a new partner, set up the conditions where your child can truly thrive immediately following loss or separation. I find sometimes, because of feeling guilty, many parents totally relax the rules and spoil their children following divorce or loss to ‘make up’ for what they are facing.?

When this indulgence happens, children can start to act out a little. While parents might think it is because of the loss or separation, it’s often because the normal boundaries and routines that have kept children feeling safe and their behaviour contained a little are completely changed. Keep consistency here and remember quality time is about presence not presents.

Be a little careful of replacing your previous partner by making your child or children key decision makers in the home. In this, you give them too much responsibility, as they are virtually asked to take on a support role for you. Also, it makes it impossible to manage their behaviour in the tricky teen years if they are used to being in charge. It also makes re-partnering much more difficult.

Just started dating? Don’t introduce the kids too soon. Wait until it is a committed relationship, as you don’t want your children experiencing another loss. Move slowly with brief low-key meetings at first.?

Moving in together? In an ideal world, the stepparent should not be the disciplinarian. The biological parent should be the one who does the instructing and hard work of parenting.?

Ideally children have already learnt the basics of respect and the household will remain harmonious as a new partner slowly takes on more of a parent role.

It’s tricky if a child is not stepping up appropriately or is often rude. It is even more difficult if the biological parent is not managing the child’s behaviour and the stepparent is needing to be the tough one.?

If that is happening then the new couple should have a serious conversation about what is happening in the home, your concerns and develop a plan to move forward. Get professional help if you need – ideally with yourself and the new partner going to a psychologist. It’s essential that both parents are committed to make it work for every member of the family.?

If you elect to seriously date a person with children, the person you are dating comes as a package. You cannot date them but reject their children or aim to slowly remove the children from their lives.?

Similarly, avoid dating a person who willingly leaves their children behind in pursuit of a new relationship. If they do this to children of past relationships, they run risk of doing it to future children they have with you.?

Try to make it work. Many great things can happen when children and adults have bonus family members in their lives.

Takeaway for parents

Here are some other suggestions for stepparents.

·??????Never criticise their biological parents. Children should not need to choose.

·??????Don’t be there for every family moment. Encourage your partner and their children to schedule time when it is just them.?

·??????Ask the child what they would prefer to call you – don’t force them to call you Mum or Dad.

·??????Ideally get to know the other parent in time, but again at a reasonable pace. You don’t have to be immediate best friends.

·??????Everyone has a right to be treated with dignity. Don’t allow children to disrespect you or treat the children with disrespect.

? Judith Locke

This column appeared in the?Sunday Mail?on 19.09.21. Subscribe to the Courier Mail to get access to my column every week. Find more sensible parenting advice in my book,?The Bonsai Child: Why modern parenting limits children and practical strategies to turn it around??or, my latest book,??The Bonsai Student: Why Modern parenting limits children’s potential and practical strategies to turn it around??or have me come to your school to talk to parents and teachers about enhancing child resilience and wellbeing. Contact me?here.