Stepping Out of the Drama Triangle and Self-Sabotage

Have you read Clinical Psychologist Lindsay Gibons's Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents? Don't let the title limit you; the principles she talks about in this book don't just apply to the adult parent-child relationship; they also apply to relationships in professional settings, like schools.

This book is in my Top 10 book recommendations for adults who want to improve their relational intelligence and relational skills in all areas of life. Particularly if you have a pattern of going into the 'Rescuer' role in Karpman's Drama Triangle.

I first talked about the Drama Triangle in an article I wrote for parents seeking advice on how to help their kids experiencing panic attacks in tests/exams two years ago (see References). But today I'd like to talk about what a useful the Drama Triangle is for understanding why Lindsay Gibons responded with "you can't" in response to a typical client's concern ("I worry so much about my parents. They're always unhappy about something. I just want to make them feel better.").

Let's talk about how the Drama Triangle can be applied to adult parent-child dynamics where the parent is 'always unhappy'. For adult children who value personal development, it's easy to project your world view onto other people and assume that others want to do to the inner work to feel better. And one of your blind spots, if you have a tendency to go into 'Rescuer' role during family conflict or crises, is to assume that when people complain, they want to change.

But the truth is not everyone values positive mental health, well-being, and personal development. Some people get a sense of pleasure out of complaining and initiating/engaging in drama. And just because your unhappy parent(s), or anyone for that matter, may be in a perpetual complaining 'Victim' role or a perpetually venting 'Persecutor' role...doesn't mean they want to stop playing this role! And there's nothing you can do if your parents aren't willing to get the professional help they need to work on their mental health.

Chances are you'll get nothing but resistance from your efforts to help your parents stop playing a role step out of the Drama Triangle and get help in this type of scenario. The only thing you have control over is whether YOU get the help YOU need to disengage and step out of your 'Rescuer' role in the Drama Triangle. To work on the negative thoughts and emotions that are feeding your fear-based pattern of behaviour and stay out of the drama. To challenge if you feel it's appropriate to challenge, ignore and move on if that's the only option. Whatever it takes to step out and keep out of the perpetual drama.

And as frustrating as that can be sometimes, it important to remember that everyone is responsible for their own actions, happiness, and life choices. And if a parent or colleague at work chooses to only focus on the black-tinted glasses of reality after spending years or decades resisting doing the inner work needed to live a psychologically healthier life - that's their choice.

However sometimes, someone may be trying really hard to change and turn their life around, but keep reversing back to old habits and unhealthier ways. To a point where it becomes clear that the issue is more one of self-sabotage rather than one of life values or intentions.

Sometimes choosing to stay in the Drama Triangle IS in itself a form of self-sabotage for your happiness or well-being. Instead of focusing on the areas of your life where you need to change, you are wasting your energy in a fruitless power struggle to 'Rescue' people in the 'Persecutor' or 'Victim' roles who don't want to change! In these cases, working with a coach to overcome your self-sabotage patterns in a 1:1 or small group setting may help you start to break your old patterns of behavior that no longer serve you.

If you're currently feeling stuck in a particular area in your life and would like to give EFT group coaching a go, I've got a Clinical EFT Tapping Group Coaching for adults coming up on September 2nd (3pm London, 5pm Greece). Online event. Registration closes 1st September at 9pm EET.

To learn more go to: https://elenivardaki.com/eft-tapping-for-goals/

For inquiries: [email protected]

REFERENCES

Lindsay Gibons (2015) Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Eleni Vardaki (2021) "Panic Attacks, How Parents Can Help" https://elenivardaki.com/panic-attacks-how-parents-can-help/