Stephanie's Story

This is failure.. it is countless specialists, sleepless nights, and more tears than I ever let on. It is lonely days, restless nights, and trying to hold onto ...some sort of normalcy. It is doctor after doctor visit, more tests, and more surgeries than even I can calculate.

It is yearning to be normal, pretending to be normal, all while your body fails you. It is being too scared to admit how bad things are because even you don’t want to face your own reality. It is countless tests, more bloodwork, blowing veins, and keeping your arm still while the nurse digs further into your arm for another ten minutes with a needle trying to “catch that vein”.

It is waking up, everyday, feeling worse than the day before… it is losing your career, a third of your body weight, your friends, your ability to function on your own. It is waking up everyday telling yourself if you can just make it to one more doctor visit, one more test, just hold on.. they will find it.

It is 30 years old, fitting into children’s clothing, shoving cupcakes down my throat, praying to gain a pound. It is dealing with levels of pain that quite literally bring me to my knees. It is screaming in your sleep because the pain is so intense. It is brain fog so bad, you leave your car running at the grocery store. It is tremors, big messes, more tremors, more of a mess, and even more fatigue. It is spending more time cleaning up after your messes than actually getting anything done. It is dragging your feet, losing sensation in your limbs, and army crawling around your house because you can’t feel your legs.

It is watching yourself whither away while doctors do nothing. It is being diagnosed with disease after disease, all while doctors say “Usually this happens to older overweight women”… It is following the rules, listening to the doctors, trying to be healthy.. all while getting worse. It is asking if you might have Endometriosis for 13 years, only to be told not possible.. It is waking up from surgery to be told guess what, we found Endometriosis.. when the medical system told you for 13 years that was impossible.

It is going through archaic surgeries, inhumane testing, and abnormal results.. only to be followed up with “we don’t know why”. It is begging the medical community for help because you feel your body giving up.. only for them to push you away and blame it all on your mental health.

It is being born into a society that puts more research and resources into erectile dysfunction, than they do for fertility and life-altering diseases like Endometriosis. It is being told I am abrasive for demanding the doctors do their job, while a man can do the same thing and people say he is “sticking up for himself”.

It is “Making America Great Again”… when we weren’t that great to begin with. It is the most dangerous developed country to give birth in… more than 50,000 women being severely injured every year by hospital systems failing to follow standard labor protocols. It is teaching women to play “nice” while “boys will be boys”..

It is people telling you how lucky you are to lose weight.. and they wish they had that problem (trust me.. you fucking do not). It is thinking back to those adolescent days riddled with bullying, just wishing you could look like one of the girls in the magazine.. It is finally getting what you wished for and wishing more than anything you could take it all back.. To be that girl again.. a little heavier, so much less fatigue, full of life, slightly (or extremely) sarcastic, dreams bigger than this world, and an unwavering faith in the good.

It is not wanting to ask for help or admit defeat.. because then you will let them win. It is trying to raise awareness, stay positive, be kind, work hard, and do good.. all while inside, you are so scared and so fucking tired. And it is waking up one day.. realizing that those we put in positions of power (government, doctors, medical field, etc..) have been slowly failing you for years. It is admitting to yourself and your loved ones that they might not figure out what is causing all your diseases and health issues… and knowing in your heart if you continue down this path, you won’t be here on Earth much longer.

It is sharing your journey.. the good, the bad, and the fucking ugly (and the tired.. did I mention I am fucking tired?.. I can’t remember lol) not for sympathy.. but to raise awareness. To make your struggles not be made in vein.. to shine a bright light on a system that is so very broken. It is hoping and praying that no matter what happens to you, that maybe just maybe your journey will put a stop to this cycle.. that my story will help other young women advocate for themselves, believe in themselves. That your story will help young women know that they aren’t crazy, they aren’t a failure, and this isn’t their fault. That one day we will have a medical system that is for health, not for profit… #spoonie #endometriosiswarrior #interstitialcystitiswarror #SODwarrior #probablyautoimminuewarriortoo #americawasnevergreat #womenshealth #womensrights #BrokenHealthcareSystem #Healthcarefailures #Extremefatigue #brainfog #Weakness #Help #WeNeedABetterSystem #ChasingMyCure #MedicalMysteryThis is failure.. it is countless specialists, sleepless nights, and more tears than I ever let on. It is lonely days, restless nights, and trying to hold onto ...some sort of normalcy. It is doctor after doctor visit, more tests, and more surgeries than even I can calculate.

It is yearning to be normal, pretending to be normal, all while your body fails you. It is being too scared to admit how bad things are because even you don’t want to face your own reality. It is countless tests, more bloodwork, blowing veins, and keeping your arm still while the nurse digs further into your arm for another ten minutes with a needle trying to “catch that vein”.

It is waking up, everyday, feeling worse than the day before… it is losing your career, a third of your body weight, your friends, your ability to function on your own. It is waking up everyday telling yourself if you can just make it to one more doctor visit, one more test, just hold on.. they will find it.

It is 30 years old, fitting into children’s clothing, shoving cupcakes down my throat, praying to gain a pound. It is dealing with levels of pain that quite literally bring me to my knees. It is screaming in your sleep because the pain is so intense. It is brain fog so bad, you leave your car running at the grocery store. It is tremors, big messes, more tremors, more of a mess, and even more fatigue. It is spending more time cleaning up after your messes than actually getting anything done. It is dragging your feet, losing sensation in your limbs, and army crawling around your house because you can’t feel your legs.

It is watching yourself whither away while doctors do nothing. It is being diagnosed with disease after disease, all while doctors say “Usually this happens to older overweight women”… It is following the rules, listening to the doctors, trying to be healthy.. all while getting worse. It is asking if you might have Endometriosis for 13 years, only to be told not possible.. It is waking up from surgery to be told guess what, we found Endometriosis.. when the medical system told you for 13 years that was impossible.

It is going through archaic surgeries, inhumane testing, and abnormal results.. only to be followed up with “we don’t know why”. It is begging the medical community for help because you feel your body giving up.. only for them to push you away and blame it all on your mental health.

It is being born into a society that puts more research and resources into erectile dysfunction, than they do for fertility and life-altering diseases like Endometriosis. It is being told I am abrasive for demanding the doctors do their job, while a man can do the same thing and people say he is “sticking up for himself”.

It is “Making America Great Again”… when we weren’t that great to begin with. It is the most dangerous developed country to give birth in… more than 50,000 women being severely injured every year by hospital systems failing to follow standard labor protocols. It is teaching women to play “nice” while “boys will be boys”..

It is people telling you how lucky you are to lose weight.. and they wish they had that problem (trust me.. you fucking do not). It is thinking back to those adolescent days riddled with bullying, just wishing you could look like one of the girls in the magazine.. It is finally getting what you wished for and wishing more than anything you could take it all back.. To be that girl again.. a little heavier, so much less fatigue, full of life, slightly (or extremely) sarcastic, dreams bigger than this world, and an unwavering faith in the good.

It is not wanting to ask for help or admit defeat.. because then you will let them win. It is trying to raise awareness, stay positive, be kind, work hard, and do good.. all while inside, you are so scared and so fucking tired. And it is waking up one day.. realizing that those we put in positions of power (government, doctors, medical field, etc..) have been slowly failing you for years. It is admitting to yourself and your loved ones that they might not figure out what is causing all your diseases and health issues… and knowing in your heart if you continue down this path, you won’t be here on Earth much longer.

It is sharing your journey.. the good, the bad, and the fucking ugly (and the tired.. did I mention I am fucking tired?.. I can’t remember lol) not for sympathy.. but to raise awareness. To make your struggles not be made in vein.. to shine a bright light on a system that is so very broken. It is hoping and praying that no matter what happens to you, that maybe just maybe your journey will put a stop to this cycle.. that my story will help other young women advocate for themselves, believe in themselves. That your story will help young women know that they aren’t crazy, they aren’t a failure, and this isn’t their fault. That one day we will have a medical system that is for health, not for profit… #spoonie #endometriosiswarrior #interstitialcystitiswarror #SODwarrior #probablyautoimminuewarriortoo #americawasnevergreat #womenshealth #womensrights #BrokenHealthcareSystem #Healthcarefailures #Extremefatigue #brainfog #Weakness #Help #WeNeedABetterSystem #ChasingMyCure #MedicalMystery