Stepfamily Life: Prep Steps

Have you ever heard a quote and thought, "That was brilliant!"?

This was my response to something stepfamily expert, Ron Deal, said during a workshop. The question was, "How do you cook a blended family?" and his response was...

"You cook it with a crockpot."

That stopped me in my tracks! The analogy was so spot on and when I share it with my clients they all think so too.

Becoming a stepfamily isn't something that can be rushed. You are creating new relationships and new family dynamics, blending your parenting styles and expectations, and building new traditions. Using Ron's analogy, I'd like to share my perspective on this process.

Prepping

Just as in slow cooking, preparation is key for starting the blending process. In cooking, you gather and prepare the ingredients. In stepfamily life, it is important to slowly prepare each family member ("ingredient") for the next steps in your family life. You may even discover that some members of the family aren't "ripe" or ready to move forward. Skipping this step can cause a ripple effect into the future.

Using Low Heat

As families navigate through the blending process, it's helpful to use a "low heat." The less pressure put on everyone to immediately feel like a family unit, the better. As you introduce new family routines or rules, you may experience resistance if you don't incorporate the changes slowly and strategically.

Letting the Ingredients Soften

While in the slow cooker, ingredients soften and find their "space" in the pot. The same is true of family members in a blended family.

Stepparents may be on edge as they figure out their role. Children may refrain from interacting as a family unit at first, then they slowly discover their place within the new family "order" (i.e., the child who was the "baby" of the family previously may have been unseated in that role due to a younger step-sibling or the addition of a new "ours" baby (the genetic child of the birth and stepparent).

Allowing time for everyone to assess this new situation, warm up to the changes, and get to know each other is crucial.

Blending Flavors Gently

Each family member brings their unique personality into the mix! You may have a quiet, introverted child who is happy in their own world and blending this child with a new houseful of boisterous extroverts can be very overwhelming. It may take a while for things to even out and for everyone to learn each other's personality and quirks.

Likewise, the parents are blending their parenting styles within this new family unit. When you are mixing a strict and regimented parent with a partner who avoids conflict at all costs, you will have problems. Even if both partners have similar parenting styles, their discipline and expectations may differ.

Approaching this process as a learning period allows the many "flavors" to blend gently instead of forcing relationships to form immediately.

Practicing Patience

One of the reasons I love using my crockpot for soups during the winter is how the house smells as it cooks all day long. YUM! The hard part is waiting for it to be done so we can dig in and enjoy.

The same is true for stepfamily life! It takes time, lots of time for some families, to get to the place of feeling like a family unit where they can relax and enjoy. You have a vision of where you want your family to be in 2, 5, or 15 years, yet it is easy to get impatient as you slowly work through the challenges along the way.

One of my recommendations is to take time each day to notice one small thing that indicates the process is moving forward instead of backward. It could be that the kids didn't argue at breakfast. Perhaps your partner saw you were overwhelmed in your stepparent role and suggested you take a break. Or...miracle of miracles, the stepchild who has done nothing but resent your existence for years replied to your "Good Morning" with a "Hey" as he walked past you. (I see you smiling and giving a fist pump after he leaves the room!)

Acknowledging that blending is a process, not a quick event, will help you keep your sanity! Slow, strategic, and steady, just like slow cooking, will eventually get you where you want to be.

One last point: Your relationship is the foundation of your family's success! Creating a solid parenting partnership requires intentional decisions, building a shared parenting plan, and guidance along the way. I'm here to help!

I have created the "Blended Family Blueprint" Starter Kit for couples in the early stages of blending. Inside the starter kit, you will discover a Couples Communication Checklist, a Parenting Partnership Assessment, my E-book "Blended Beginnings: The Conversations Every Couple Needs," and my exclusive workshop, "Stepmom: From Wicked to Wonderful" and the accompanying 7-day Journal. Click here to get started on the pathway to building your parenting partnership!