Step Three: Preparation
Whenever we do anything in a high-stress environment or are overwhelmed emotionally, we are unable to think or react clearly and our judgement tends to be affected. Of the three Fs, we tend to choose flight or freeze. Typically, in a bullying situation, these responses only reinforce the bully-victim relationship and ensure that it continues.
In our work, in almost every case where a child has learned to make the transition through bullying, there is a clear – and often memorable – moment of decision in which the child stands up to their bully. However, it is not necessary for your child to have already experienced bullying to learn how to respond to it. It is a matter of preparation, and you can practise responding to bullying with your child at home.
Just as a martial artist prepares to block a strike by drilling the same technique 100 times a day for months on end, or a lecturer might practise a speech dozens of times before stepping on stage, you can rehearse the necessary response until it becomes second nature. Like a muscle memory, it will be your child’s natural reaction if and when the situation arises.
The perfect response to a bully or a bullying situation should do five things:
Here is an exercise that will help you and your child achieve all five of these things:
RESPONSE EXERCISE
Work with your child to brainstorm quick and easy-to-remember come backs that will make them appear confident when they are being bullied. Simple, non-aggressive phrases work best. Use words that come naturally to your child, that they will feel confident saying. Refine the list until you have ten to twenty responses. To get you started, here are a few examples that we have found work well:
?? Go away
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?? Stop
?? Who cares?
?? Whatever
?? Sure
?? Yeah, right
?? You’re so funny!
As you will see, some of these responses use sarcasm. This can be a useful tactic, but approach it with caution and be sure that your child understands it. (It has been shown that children don’t begin to understand sarcasm until they are around six years old.)
If your child has a full grasp of sarcasm and is able to use it confidently, a great way of de-escalating bullying is to agree with the bully. For example, if your child is called ‘dumb’ or ‘stupid’ by the bully, they might respond with, ‘Yes, I sometimes do dumb stuff.’ With the possible sarcastic addition of, ‘Not everyone can be smart like you!’ or ‘How did you become so smart?’
Like all the exercises in this chapter, planning these responses is a method that needs practice, which is the subject of the next step.