Step Aside, Inner Gremlins. I Got This.

The other day, I was talking to a colleague of mine who was stressing about her first in-person customer meeting in more than a year. This woman is one of the most poised and confident speakers I know, and here she was thinking she lost the ability to present in-person after a year of being behind a computer screen. This story is not uncommon. I’ve heard countless remarks from otherwise self-assured people worrying about whether they still know how to socialize and connect with people after being in a bubble for so long. We all know better…we know that connecting is very often like riding a bike—once you’ve learned to do it, you never lose it. And yet, we still worry. We can thank our gremlins for that. We all have gremlins—those little (and sometimes big) voices inside our heads that tell us we’re not good enough, we are going to fail, or we’re going to look like a fool. In “normal” times, we may be able to drown out these destructive voices by surrounding ourselves with people and things that make us feel strong and whole. But after being in relative isolation for more than a year, the gremlins’ voices have less competition and seem to be taking the driver’s seat—potentially holding us back from what could be a remarkable opportunity to reintroduce ourselves to the world.

Gremlins: unnecessary baggage in this VUCA world

For those of you unaware of what gremlins are, they are the voices that are often left over from when we made a mistake in childhood and experienced a break in belonging. They are the parent who scolded us after we said something inappropriate, the coach who embarrassed us after we made a bad play, and the kids who laughed at us when we tripped in the hallway. While gremlins can be painful and wreak significant havoc in our lives and relationships, their intentions are quite pure. They are there to keep us safe, prevent us from making mistakes, and protect us from looking stupid. The problem is we mistake them for fact and allow them to guide far too many of our choices. We let them relegate us into “playing it safe” mode—a mode that isn’t going to serve us well in this volatile, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous (VUCA) world. In this world, we need to show up fully engaged, truly ourselves, deeply curious, and most importantly, ready to learn and grow. Otherwise, we will get lost and left behind.

How do you know if your gremlins are starting to take over your life? One big sign is if you find that you are often talking yourself out of things before you complete them. That thing could be a social gathering, or a new job, project, hobby, relationship, or routine. It could also simply be speaking your truth in a meeting. One moment you are inspired to take a step forward and put yourself out there, and the next you are doubting yourself and decide to stay silent. Another sign is if you allow one failure or mistake to keep you from trying again. Our nature as human beings is to want to change, adapt, learn, and grow. Each of us has an inner coach wanting us to be better versions of ourselves, but the gremlins in our heads sometimes interfere with this voice. The good news is that, if we can keep our gremlins under control, there is no limit to what we can do.

The gremlins’ kryptonite: a strong and healthy community

A close friend of mine learned about her gremlins when she moved out of her childhood home to go to college. She spent years living with a parent who often resorted to toxic and victim mindset-like behavior. It was impossible for her parent’s behavior to not influence the way my friend saw herself. But when she left for college, physically distancing herself from this parent and surrounding herself with more positive and supportive individuals, she witnessed how her negative self-talk and outlook diminished. In that moment, she discovered the gremlins’ kryptonite: a strong and healthy community. Over the years, my friend has faced all kinds of situations that normally would fuel gremlins…toxic work cultures, restrictive bosses, gnarly projects, and repeated rejections for promotions without any clear cause. Yet, not once have the gremlins taken over. Each time she felt the gremlin gaining energy, she simply sought out people and things that would balance the energy and perspective. She joined a new network at the company, learned new skills, sought mentorship from people outside her organization, and constantly looked for new inspiration. In doing so, she built not only her skills and confidence, but also her resiliency. Her perseverance and growth mindset eventually caught the attention of a leader, who immediately saw her potential. She landed in the role of a lifetime, where she can be fully herself and where her unique skills and talents are not just appreciated but cherished by every member of the team.

That’s the thing about gremlins…as scary and insidious as they may seem, they are manageable and can actually be used to our advantage if we know how to identify and make peace with them. Here’s how you can do that:

 1.     Identify the gremlin. This is often the hardest step for people in the beginning. Because gremlins are so insidious, we mistake them for intuition or fact. The best way to distinguish a gremlin from intuition is to notice where that voice is coming from. Is it your voice, or could it be that teacher who said you weren’t good enough when you were five? Then, witness what part of the body the feeling is coming from. For me, I feel my gremlins in the back of my head with a loud, grating noise. But for others, it might be more subtle. Over time, you will begin to see patterns emerge, and it will be easier to identify your gremlins’ voices.

 2.     Acknowledge the gremlin. When you have identified that the voice is a gremlin, remind yourself that these are just thoughts, and allow them to come and go without judgement. By acknowledging the gremlins as just thoughts, you can keep yourself in check by saying, “This is my gremlin talking, not fact.”

 3.     Have a conversation with the gremlin. What the gremlin wants most of all is to be heard so it can keep you safe. So, listen to it, and then offer a different perspective that is grounded in fact and your desire to grow. Give it evidence that contradicts what your gremlins have to say. At some point in this dialogue, your gremlin will get quieter and more peaceful. This is this time to ask for its support. Thank the gremlin for trying to keep you safe, and then ask for its help as you try something new.

 4.     Design the alliance. Now, go out and find all the external support you can—whether its like-minded people, energizing music, exercise, etc.—that will help to plug you in to things that inspire you. Surround yourself with beauty, perspective, and positive energy.

 5.     Keep building the gremlin-calming muscle. Every time you witness the gremlin, repeat these steps. Over time, it will become second nature.

 Most of all, remember that this world needs you. Not the “play it safe” you; it needs the authentic “unrestricted” you. And this moment—right now—as we reemerge from the dust of the pandemic, is an invitation to leave those gremlins behind and reintroduce the world to who you really are.

I’d love to hear from you. What gremlins are you witnessing as you re-enter your social and professional circles?