Staying Unemployed: 5 Ways to Craft an Unbelievable Resume

Welcome to the article version of Chapter 4 of my "Staying Unemployed" E-Book that is currently being ignored by both Random House AND Wiley Publishing. This article is intended as a parody in an attempt to present to humanize the job search process for job seekers by forcing them to look at the process differently.

I've been a professional my whole work life.

For those of you who struggle with employment, a "professional" is someone skilled and well-trained in a particular skill and is hired by a company to perform that skill for that company (aka: employer). A professional is also a descriptive phrase for someone who behaves competently and courteously according to the standards expected in their professional field.

But there are many people out there who would rather get paid and NOT work. If this is you, you're going to have to work hard to stay unemployed in an economy like this! At least until we have a Universal Basic Income (UBI).

The stickler is a job pays you money which you need to live to pay rent for your apartment, put gas in your car and pay for all those video game power-ups.

So if you want to get a job, but not right away, here's your 5-step plan to create a resume that not only misses the mark, prepare yourself to make heads turn in disgust and become the poster child for bad resumes.

1. Choosing the Titular Typeface

Let's start with the typefaces you use for. While Helvetica and Georgia scream professionalism (yawn!), why not opt for something more attention-grabbing? Say hello to Papyrus, a font favored by discount tea and vape shops. And yes the graphic designer for "Avatar"s promotional materials who, like you, is most definitely out of work.

Papyrus is not just a font; it's a declaration of mediocrity. It says: "I'm both ancient and guaranteed to induce a pupil-splitting migraine."

2. Embrace Visuals Instead of Words

Why stick to a mundane text-based resume when you can spice things up with visuals? Add a photo! But not just any photo – we're talking about a slightly blurry selfie adorned with Snapchat filters like a flower crown or, for that extra flair, some cute puppy ears. When applying for a job, it's important to show your creativity and sense of humor.

3. Puzzling Job Titles

Your job title can be a fun way to surprise and entertain. Instead of being a "Sandwich Artist" at Subway, why not call yourself a "Bread Layering and Condiment Application Specialist"? The aim is to make the hiring manager pause and wonder, "What exactly did they do?"

4. Who Needs Achievements Anyway?

While most resumes focus on relevant achievements, why not highlight the quirky ones? Have you tackled a 72-ounce steak challenge or won a burping contest? These unique experiences can make your resume stand out as a celebration of unconventional accomplishments.

5. Unexpected Skills

In the skills section, showcase your offbeat talents. For an accounting role, consider listing skills like "Lightsaber Duelling," "Fluent in Pirate (Caribbean and European)," and "Karaoke Master." This section is an opportunity to demonstrate your unconventional skill set and add some personality to your application that has nothing to do with arithmetic. Like, at all.

And forget the yawn-induscing "references available upon request." Instead, why not include a colorful cast of characters to vouch for you? Picture your mom endorsing your work antics, your psychic offering invaluable insights, and your friend praising your Oscar-worthy impressions. The aim? To have references as quirky as your resume itself. If an employer calls them, be ready for karaoke anecdotes rather than formal work endorsements

Let that freak flag fly!

While most folks skip the interests section on their resumes, why not prioritize it? Include hobbies like "misshapen pretzel collecting and categorizing" or claiming the title of "Aspiring Meme Lord." Remember, the goal here is to make HR do a double-take and ensure that your resume goes straight from their hands -- past the hiring manager's desk -- and into the recycle bin.

Congratulations on crafting a resume that could make even a cringe compilation reel blush. But before you hit 'print' (DON'T EMAIL IT ARE YOU CRAZY?) consider using this creative disaster as a cautionary example. Revise your resume with an emphasis on being clear, showcasing professionalism, and highlighting accomplishments that align with the job you're targeting. If you really do want a job - ensure it leaves a positive impact!

Join me next week as we examine Chapter 5: The Guilt Trip Gambit: How to Negotiate Yourself Out of a Job Offer.