Staying Thankful During The Hard Times

I spent my first Thanksgiving in America alone.

The boarding school I went to in New Hampshire was closed for the long weekend, and I suddenly found myself without anywhere to go. No one had taught me how to navigate being alone in a foreign country before, and I had no clue what I was supposed to do during the Thanksgiving holiday. In fact, I did not even know what Thanksgiving was and what a big deal it was. That evening, I called my mother in Korea, willing myself to keep the tears at bay. She was so excited to hear my voice, not realizing that her little boy was standing shivering in the cold metallic phone booth, completely lost in America (back then, there was no internet).

I was 15 years old, na?ve and immature. Against my father’s will, I rebelled and left my family in Korea. There was this hunger inside of me and I somehow believed that I would be able to fulfill it by pursuing the American Dream, even though I did not understand what it meant. As it turned out, reality was much harsher than my imagination. If I am honest with myself, the first few years in America were some of the most difficult times in my life. Nevertheless, I realized that those years had a profound impact in my life and opened my eyes to understand what the American Dream stood for.

At first, loneliness was my biggest enemy.

Not having a network of close friends and family meant that I had to be comfortable in my own skin. For an introverted teenage boy, this was not easy. For example, I was so self-conscious about eating alone in the school dining room that I ended up skipping a lot of meals altogether. I would hide in the library during lunch time and find solace in the rows of bookshelves surrounding me as the books became my friends.

However, I quickly recognized that loneliness would dissipate when I was busy. So, I kept myself occupied at all times, studying and working around the clock. By the time I collapsed into bed each night, I was so exhausted that I barely had time to think about my melancholic feelings. Along the way, I learned that there were several benefits about being alone. I was constantly forced to make difficult decisions and deal with those consequences, no matter what they were. This process helped me realize that life was a lot more forgiving to mistakes than I had thought. More importantly, I started to see that when I was down on the ground after each failure, I was actually not alone. Someone was always there to pick me up. I found random acts of kindness from people I did not know, and it got me through many dark days.

After I slowly overcame the initial loneliness, the second biggest challenge was my lack of command of the English language, in particular, my inability to express myself well in English.

I struggled with vocabulary, grammar and a strong accent, regardless of how hard I studied English. For example, during my first year in America, I tried to methodically memorize the entire Webster English dictionary, but it turned out to be futile because I could still barely speak a sentence cohesively.

This caused a serious self-esteem issue. Self-doubt was a scary thing. It changed how I carried myself and how I behaved in front of others in public. I had learned that being able to exude confidence and speak fluidly in public was highly valued and critical to one’s success in America. I wondered how I could overcome the language barrier when I was already 15 years behind in mastering the English language compared to native speakers. At one point, while I was watching a 1st grade boy conversing with his mother at the playground, I could not help but cry quietly because the boy spoke English better than I did. Discouraged, I found myself speaking less and less.

Nevertheless, being silent helped me develop a valuable skill - I learned to listen instead. By inadvertently not talking much, I was able to carefully observe body posturing, vocal delivery and facial expression of each speaker I was conversing with. Listening helped me become more empathetic, and craft thoughtful questions that deepened the quality of our dialogue.

Accordingly, instead of focusing on being a fluent speaker, I reminded myself to become an excellent listener. I realized that listening was as powerful as speaking because I started winning people’s heart without saying much at all. I also recognized that my voice, when I decided to speak up, had much more weight because I built a reputation as a good listener. Gradually, this helped me regain my confidence.

As I started to become more comfortable with English, the final challenge was overcoming the temptation to give up.

When I became weary, I frequently told myself I could run back to Korea because I just did not see how I could survive in America by myself. In fact, one day, I packed my bags and attempted to flee America. After fighting and losing small and big battles every day, I just could not go on. Above all, I did not like the person I turned into since coming to America: lacking confidence, pessimistic and socially awkward – completely opposite from the person I had envisioned I would become. That alternative looked significantly more attractive: living with my loving family again in Korea, not worrying about my language ability, in the country and culture I knew well.

Yet, I could not hop on that plane back to Korea. Even after all the hardship and heartache causing unbearable mental and physical exhaustion, I could feel that the hunger that had originally driven me to pursue American Dream was still alive. In fact, it had grown even bigger because I was exposed to the endless possibilities that America offered to people who did not give up. I asked myself, “what if I went back and gave it just one more try? Just one more day.” Then, one day turned into one month, and one month turned into one year.

Now, twenty years have gone by since I first came to America, and this year marks the 20th Thanksgiving holiday I celebrate in America. I no longer celebrate Thanksgiving alone. Although my parents and siblings are still in Korea, I now have my own family in America with an unconditionally loving wife and three beautiful daughters. I am more comfortable eating a bowl of cereal and toast than eating a bowl of rice and Kimchi for breakfast. I have a bigger network of friends and mentors in America than I have in Korea. Ironically, I have gotten worse at listening as I became better at speaking (so I am now re-learning to be a good listener).

As I reflect on the past twenty years in pursuit of my American Dream, I ask myself if I have a better understanding of what it means. James Adams defined the American Dream as life that is “better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement regardless of social class or circumstances of birth.” I certainly believe that my life has gotten better, richer and fuller over the years. However, what’s more illuminating to me is the pathway of the American Dream that leads to one’s betterment of life – the “how” part.

For me, it is finding courage to stand up taller and stronger after each failure. It is being able to care for and be empathetic to others before looking after your own interest. It is taking life as a marathon, not a sprint, and finding pockets of kindness and happiness along the way… To me, that’s what the American Dream is all about.

On this very special Thanksgiving Day, I am truly thankful for all these amazing opportunities I have been granted in the past twenty years of living in America. I am looking forward to the next twenty years of pursuing the American Dream and will do so by failing even more, learning from each one, growing from it, and of course, by staying thankful during the hard times. I want to pause and say thank you to all who helped me along the way in my journey.

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