Staying Sane Over Mother’s Day
Since holidays can be joyous for some and triggering for others, it should not be surprising that Mother’s Day can bring a mix of emotions for those experience infertility. For families who can freely celebrate moms and grandmoms, it can be a day of flowers, brunches, and family traditions. But for those who would do anything to be a mother, it can be weeks of trying to avoid Mother's Day focused ads featuring smiling moms surrounded by perfect children, and days spent trying to figure out how to gracefully decline Mother’s Day invites.
If Mother’s Day doesn’t bother you and you can fully embrace celebrating moms in your life, do it! Stop reading! However, if Mother’s Day is a trigger for you, read on….
For most women who are experiencing infertility, Mother’s Day can be the worst day of the year. It is a time that celebrates the role you want most in the world and one that you have probably never spent so much time and effort trying to achieve. For those who have never experienced the pain, frustration, and isolation of infertility, it can seem perplexing that you aren’t satisfied with focusing your time and love on the mothers in your life.
In my decades of counseling women, men, and couples who are riding the infertility roller-coaster, I’m continually surprised that family members aren’t more sensitive to those closest to them on Mother’s Day. It’s unreasonable to expect those facing infertility to just “put on a happy face.” Negative comments like, “why can’t you just be happy for others?” or, “You are being so selfish, you need to focus on your mother and sister because it is their day,” or “You are ruining the day for your mother” make matters worse.
Here are some suggestions on how to manage through a difficult Mother’s Day weekend:
DO’s
·?????? Set aside time on Sunday for you.
·?????? Limit your exposure to festivities. It’s ok to just make a brief appearance and arrive early or late to avoid triggering situations.
·?????? If you are going to a family event with a partner, decide on a signal which means you have to leave.
·?????? During family events, allow yourself to escape by there is nothing wrong with going for a walk, taking a nap, or assigning yourself kitchen duty.
·?????? Consider volunteering at an event that might be low on their regular volunteers because they are off for Mother’s Day, such as a homeless shelter, food kitchen, or animal rescue facility.?
·?????? Give yourself grace and permission to decline events that you know that you know you won’t be able to manage though.
·?????? Take a social media break.
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DONTS
·?????? Put aside your feelings and emotions to please others. Infertility is a disease that causes equivalent emotional pain to cancer, HIV+, and heart disease.
·?????? Feel obligated to host a Mother’s Day event, even if you have done so in the past.
·?????? Force yourself to go to a store that features Mother’s Day gifts. Order online or over the phone for delivery.
·?????? Avoid greeting cards. Ask your partner or friend to pick up card(s) for you to quickly sign.
·?????? Get mad at yourself for struggling on this day or blame yourself for not being happy for others.
I tell my patients all the time that infertility is a temporary crisis, that every Mother’s Day for the rest of your life won’t feel like this one, and thus, this is THE Mother’s Day for which you need to nurture yourself, be kind to yourself, have empathy for yourself, and create a day which will meet YOUR needs.
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Be Well,
Dr. Alice Domar
Chief Compassion Officer