The Staying Power of Negative...

The other day I heard a sermon in which the preacher stated that it takes nine to ten positive comments to erase one negative one. While his point was well taken (that negative is many many times more powerful than positive), I don’t believe his statistic is strictly accurate. The reason is because I don’t think anything erases negative. No amount of positive will entirely wipe away the damage.

Think of a nail pounded into a fence post. One can remove the nail, but the hole remains. One can patch the hole, but the filler will still be detectable. One can sand the filler smooth, and even paint over it, but upon close inspection the defect will still be seen. And ultimately, even if there were a way to paper over the damage and make it appear as if it were never there, the integrity of the wood below has been compromised forever.

This is how we are as sensitive, feeling human beings. Criticism and negative words go into us like lances into a bull, or nails into a fence. They do damage, and that damage can never really be undone.

Consider this: Can you remember negative words said to or about you? I’ll bet all three of my readers are nodding their heads in the affirmative. What about this: can you remember negative words said to or about you from more than ten years ago? More than twenty? Again (depending upon your age) I’ll bet yes.

So words don’t only wound, they scar.

The Power of the Tongue...

James in the Bible writes about the power of the tongue, and warns of the dangers of its misuse. He provides three different analogies for just how strong the tongue can be. He likens it to:

A bit in a horse’s mouth, though small, it can move the entire animal with just a little tug.

A small rudder on the back of a mighty ship, again, though small, it can turn the entire craft with just a tiny motion

A small spark that can turn into an enormous forest fire.

The source of negative words also matters. While all negative has the capacity to hurt, some is particularly potent. The closer someone is to you the more their words have the potential to wound deeply. I have seen people able to handle all kinds of criticisms from “outside,” but negative words from “inside” (meaning, from those whom they respect or are in a close relationship with) take the fight right out of them, if not putting them out of the arena altogether.

The Heart of the Matter...

So what are we to do?

Is there no merit to candid conversations?

Are we to simply sugar-coat everything and never address critical issues?

Of course not.

But such discussions should be done correctly, in love, with permission, from the heart, without any ill-intent or malice. There are library shelves full of books teaching how to do this properly, and we should all acquire and keep honed those skills. But it’s not so much the HOW as the WHY that is so important here. These types of confrontations should never be done because the one wielding the lance gets some kind of release or pleasure from it, or because that’s “just the way they are.”

Bossing is not leadership.

Browbeating is not influence.

Remember: nothing significant can be accomplished without concerted effort with others. This is the essence of leadership and high achievement. Any time we get careless, short-tempered, or frustrated, may we never forget the lesson of the bullfight. For anyone seeking to live a life of significance and meaning, our job is to get the best out of people (and put our best into them), not take the fight out of them.