Stay Silent or Risk Being "Wrong"?

Sarah could see that Nick’s hands were shaky as he fidgeted with the piece of paper on the table. The meeting room they were in was small, it had a television in the corner and scattered pens across the desk.?

He was going back and forth with the pen and the paper in his hand, flipping them around, dropping them on the table every now and then. When he dropped the pen, he would jump slightly and look at it vaguely.?

Nick looks up and Sarah looks back, unsure what to say. Only moments ago, Nick had shared he wasn’t coping at the moment, and that there were some things going on at home that he wasn’t feeling as though he was able to manage well.?

Sarah hasn’t said anything yet - she keeps thinking to herself What if I make it worse? What if I say the wrong thing? So she remains silent, looking at him with empathetic eyes, and tries to tell him through her face that she cares.

Nick looks at Sarah - why is she not saying anything? She must not care or she thinks I am crazy. Her face says it all - I am just wasting her time. She is too busy for this, I am a burden to my family and here as well.?Nick half kicks at the floor in frustration of himself.

Sarah notices that Nick begins to look at the floor and his brow is furrowed deeply. Sarah can feel the words on the tip of her tongue, wanting to “I am here for you if you need to ever talk at work, even just to vent about home”, but as she goes to speak, nothing comes out.

She can feel her body recoil back and she subconsciously lights her hands around each elbow, hiding herself away, unsure of what to say or do, inherently worried about making it worse. What if he thinks I am silly offering to be the one to talk to? He wouldn't want to talk to him?

Nick diverts his eyes back up for a moment to see if Sarah is about to speak, but notices that Sarah is starting to pull away and close off - she must be ashamed of him, and doesn’t want him to share. As he feels the pain pull at him inside - he quickly lifts his body up, and exclaims “I am OK, I am all good, let’s go back to our desks”?

Sarah nods slightly, beating herself up inside for not being able to help - “Sure.”?

Nick continues to stare at the floor as he gets up thinking to himself, I shouldn't have said anything. He can feel the emotions boil inside, frustrated at himself.

Sarah closes her eyes and breathes out a deep exhale, feeling as though she has failed him.

And they walk back to their desks, both of them can feel anger at themselves for not saying what they think they should have.

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What is the right thing to say when someone is struggling??Many of us struggle with the idea of supporting someone else with their mental health – not because we do not care – but because we are terrified that we will make it worse. We hear ourselves ask the questions...?

“What can I say that will make it better?”

“What is the right thing to say?”

“I am worried about making it worse”

The thing about supporting someone in mental health is that we assume that there is a “perfect” or “right” thing to say, and it is crazy to think that the very fear of saying something wrong is the same fear that stops us saying anything at all.

Many people who are seeking support are not expecting the individual to fix anything or to provide any solutions to their problems. A lot of the time, when I personally spoke to someone about my mental health, it was because I had become so overwhelmed by my own thoughts, I was hoping to share even a minuscule of that load, even if for a fleeting moment, to know that I wasn't alone and that someone might understand.

As someone asking for support, we generally don't need (or want) someone to throw positivity around like confetti; or to try and fix the problems. What we are hoping for is a moment where someone might be able to acknowledge the emotion, or whatever might be bubbling away inside us, to remind us that it is OK to feel that thing and that these feelings are not permanent parts of our lives.

Mental health is a complex, unique, challenging experience - and so many of us experience it in such different ways - but for those experiencing distress, they barely even know what they want to say themselves, little alone what they might be expecting someone else to say.?

As people, we naturally place a lot of emphasis on ourselves and we think about what we should say, what we should do, and how we should act in any given situation.

But if I think back to those moments when I’ve been in distress, the best place that an individual can operate from when in a conversation is a place of simple, but powerful, care and compassion.?Say thank you for sharing, show gratitude for their courage in speaking up, and provide them with a response that is safe without judgement or a need for further worry – and if in doubt, be kind by asking questions.

If we operate from those two key words by showing genuine care & compassion for who they are and how they feel - this good intent in itself is what makes it very unlikely that you will make things worse.

There is very little that someone can say that can “make everything better”, because the hard truth is, is that someone won’t necessarily feel better after getting support from just one conversation.?

The thing we need to understand is supporting mental health goes way beyond one single conversation, but it starts with that conversation. If an individual sharing their mental health is met with kindness, safety and a sense that they did the right thing, their next conversation might be with a GP, or a therapist, or someone external to you that might be better placed to be put strategies in place with them.

We assume we have to solve it all – but all we have to do is solve one thing – and that is to provide them with enough safety that they don’t think sharing was the wrong thing to do.

So, someone may not walk away as though they are surrounded by sunshine & rainbows as they leave the conversation with you,??but that does not mean the conversation was pointless or a failure.

A conversation with care and compassion showed can do something much more. It may not make the bad feelings go away straight away, but it can add a new feeling to the mix - the feeling of being cared for, supported, as though something matters in amongst the chaos of my mind - it can provide hope, which may one day grow to become big enough that it scares the other emotions away.

If we stay silent in the face of someone sharing, we may be more certain that we won’t say anything wrong – but without words, we have silence, and silence speaks louder than any wrong word can say.

Want to work with me?

Camille Wilson is the founder of Grow Together Now and partners with companies as a lived experience speaker, author and consultant on engaging with mental health in the workplace.