Stay the Course
Finding love in our modern times rarely happens magically, one has to put in some effort
“I’m not ready to give up on love,” Sue Ellen, my 54-year-old female client in Tacoma, Washington said. Sue Ellen had pledged not to “give in,” and accept her singledom as permanent just because she was over 50.
I was moved — and inspired — by her determination. In dating, as in so many endeavors, optimism can make all the difference. Maintaining a positive outlook is often easier said than done, of course. Dating can be dispiriting, especially once you’re out of your 20s. I remember a single friend in her mid-30s, who used to quip “I’m dead inside,” when asked about her romantic life. It was a darkly funny line, but it reflected a real sadness and frustration. She didn’t have my Tacoma client’s unbreakable positivity, but it was difficult to blame her.
Especially for us straight women, the dating pool can get colder and emptier as we enter middle age and beyond. According to a recent study from Pew Research Center entitled “A Profile of Single Americans” 27% of men in the age bracket of 50–64 are single. That drops to 21% of men 65 and older. The findings go on to say, “Women, by contrast, are by far most likely to be single later in life — roughly half of women ages 65 and older are unpartnered (49%). Roughly three-in-ten women 50 to 64 (29%) are single.”
Based on my own personal experiences, these statistics ring true. I remember when my father suddenly found himself single again after my mother died from breast cancer. At the age of 53, he became an overnight silver fox on the dating scene. Within months of my mother’s passing, he had at least five single middle-aged women circling without too much effort on his part (the internet was just becoming a “thing” in 1996 and there was no online dating.)
I never imagined that I would come to view my father as a “playboy,” especially when he was contemplating retirement. Nevertheless, a playboy he was. He had many available women seeking his company, and he was more than happy to spend time with each of them. In the end, he met his current wife at a neighborhood dinner party, four years after my mother’s death. In between my mother dying and dad meeting his second wife, though, he had a 3.5-year relationship with an intelligent and worldly divorcee. My point is that he was an older man who was snapped up very quickly after putting himself back on the market. For older single women, things are usually not so straightforward.
It’s undeniable — there are more single, older women than single, older men. As we age, many straight women confront this mismatch and are tempted to give up on dating entirely. I understand the impulse, but I disagree with it. We should instead take a page from my Tacoma client, and her steadfast refusal to throw in the towel. She’s optimistic and optimism is way more useful than pessimism when it comes to finding love.
Photo: Sue Ellen, a natural beauty most at home in the natural wonders of Washington State.
I’m a huge advocate for staying positive and being open to changing circumstances, especially when it comes to finding a romantic partner. If you combine optimism, determination, and a willingness to tap into resources that will expand your opportunities, I firmly believe that your chances of finding the right partner will skyrocket, no matter how old you are.
Here’s another personal example to illustrate my point. There was a period in my life, as I entered my 40s, when I felt quite hopeless about finding a compatible partner. The last serious relationship I’d had ended when I was 35 years old. Since then I had mostly been single, except for a few entanglements with emotionally unavailable men.
Even though I didn’t want to be single for the rest of my life — people who have loved before are just as likely to love again — it was still hard to see an alternative when I’d experienced years of singledom.
Despite these gloomy feelings, as spring 2018 set in, with all its promises of renewal, my pessimistic mood shifted to a greater sense of optimism. I was ready to get on out there!
I’d been in LA for two years and experienced the loneliness of living alone in a geographically vast city. Enough was enough — I was ready to meet some romantic partners in crime to explore the City of Angel’s copious charms.
In opening myself up to the possibility and taking action (I joined Tinder) I lined up four dates — all with seemingly good and decent men. One I predict was much older than he said in his profile, I guess late 60s when his profile had said mid-50s, and the chemistry between us wasn’t quite right; the other was lovely, but his interest and affections for me outweighed my more platonic feeling for him; the third it had come about for us to learn that I had met through my work, he was very nice too, but he didn’t give any indication he wanted to see me again; then came number four, Zachary. We had arranged a Saturday night date and Zach had picked a local wine bar in my neighborhood which unbeknownst to him, was a regular haunt of mine. When Zach learned that I loved Shakespeare, sharing his love of the Bard, he suggested we take in a performance of A Midsummer Night’s Dream at The Will Geer Theatricum Botanicum. During the spirited open air performance the following Sunday set among the beautiful forestry of Topanga Canyon, I knew I had found someone worth getting to know better.
Zach and I have been together for almost three years now, and it wouldn’t have happened had I not pushed aside the feeling that my youth had passed me by, that it was too late to find love. I had to get past those feelings if I wanted to move forward and enjoy life. After all, it’s never too late so long as we’re alive!
This article goes out to singles who think their prime dating days are behind them, and that they missed their chance for true love. It’s simply not true — you’re never too old to find a life partner. One thing that is true, unfortunately, is that as time passes it’s less and less likely that a rewarding relationship will just fall into your lap by accident or serendipity. You have to work at it, and take advantage of the resources that are available. When you’re facing the daunting task of seeking a romantic match in your forties and beyond, having an optimistic, energetic, strategic guide at your side — a coach, a cheerleader and an ally — is a vital asset that can ensure you stay the course in your journey to happiness.
On that note, I’d like you to consider me as one of your available resources. I’m offering a private matchmaking service — sourcing matches through friends and friends of friends. This is how I met my Tacoma client. In addition to her positive attitude, Sue Ellen is also being super resourceful, taking matters into her own hands and exploring several different avenues to find love. She’s signed up to online dating, joined a hiking group, and isn’t afraid to ask her friends and business acquaintances if they know any single men. She said last week, “Working with you is helping me make my happiness a priority.”
Making personal happiness a priority should be on everyone’s to-do list, and making an effort to find love can be a key part of that. Of course it can be scary at first, like any new endeavor, which is why I say, “Let me help.”
Contact me at [email protected]
Read more about my matchmaking side hustle in the article “Six Degrees of Separation Matchmaking” here.
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