STATUS: Does Our Need for It Explain... Everything?

When I was in my twenties, a few friends of mine started to publish their first books. Books on topics that deeply interested me. But I couldn’t bring myself to read them. I attended their book launch parties, I was happy for them, I intended to read them, but I was physically unable to read their books. Why? I don’t know that I could have answered that question at the time, but I can answer it now — because I wanted to write books, and their accomplishments made me feel inadequate.?

I have always been embarrassed by this block. I knew it was a petty response that reflected poorly on me. Here I am, a couple decades later, sharing it with all of you. Why? Because I now have a name to put on the forces at work. It was about status.?

We humans, as it turns out, are all — every one of us — obsessed with status. I am not talking about fame or celebrity, I am talking about feeling valued, being taken seriously. Sit a bunch of humans down in a room, pour them glasses of orange juice, and the person whose glass has a little less juice starts to wonder — why did I get less? It’s not about the juice, it’s about status. Babies, at 18 months, begin to wrestle for control of toys. It’s not about the toys, it’s about status. Likes on an instagram post? You guessed it.

Some people make a conscious decision that they have had it with status games — with this human obsession with measuring our relative status, and going to great lengths to earn more. So they embrace mindfulness, maybe take a few years to enter silent meditation retreats, study with ego-less gurus. What happens? They develop a sense of “spiritual superiority” — they start to look down their noses at those who are less mindful.

All of this I have learned from Will Storr’s extraordinary book, The Status Game: On Human Life and How to Play It.

By my mid-30s, I got over my block. I delighted in reading my friends' books. In fact, I established a policy: I will always read books written by friends, and I will read them immediately. What a gift to be able to read a book, and then discuss it with the author over a glass of wine!?

I hate to think the rise of my friends' status caused me pain. This is not the response I wanted to have, it’s not a response that I am proud of. But it does seem to be a human response.?

I don’t know about you, but I have found humans frustrating lately. Why are we so righteous, so stubborn, so fervent in our views, whether or not they are correct. I have found that examining our behavior through the lens of status – including my own behavior – offers a powerful explanatory tool.

?I found this conversation both interesting and clarifying. I look forward to hearing what you think Listen to the episode above, on Apple Podcasts or on Spotify. Then jump over to the comments below to join the discussion.

Episode Notes

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