THE STATEMENTS JOHN PAXSON SHOULD HAVE MADE WHEN HE MET THE CHICAGO MEDIA ON NBA DRAFT NIGHT 2018...

(Also known as, “The Yo-Yo Laments of a Tired Man.”)

“OK, fellows, are we all set? Here goes…We think we’ve picked up two versatile, quality players who could fill needs that we have as we continue our rebuilding process. We’re very pleased, especially because I get a few weeks away now from sitting in closed rooms with this Atom Ant-eyed amoeba next to me who continues to masquerade as an NBA general manager. As far as the guys we got, we had them high on our boards, as did every fantasy picker in the world and when they were available, we felt they best addressed the places we need to fill as we continue to zip around our endless cul-de-sac. I think tonight keeps us on the path to be a perennial championship contender some time before either of the Obama daughters are in the White House. But as long as 20,000 paying customers from a metro drawing area of close to nine million people continue to come to our home games every time we play, a whole lot who are finally getting a chance to see a game inside The House That Michael Built, we’re very happy about where we’re at.

“Any questions?…OK, Sam…”

(TEAM ONLINE HIRELING)—- “John and Gar, this reminds me a lot of the 2004 draft, which was a rebuilding draft before teams ducked behind the word ‘rebuilding’ and just tried not to publicly say that we are so far out of the championship conversation that even an Elon Musk rocket couldn’t find us. I’m also reminded of the 1985 draft, when Jerry [Krause] traded for Charles Oakley, who we all thought would be here a long time but instead got traded for Bill Cartwright which was great for me because then I had my primary source for ‘The Jordan Rules.’ And of course, I really wasn't around the team all that much in 1985 but I've read a lot and still think the real best 'draft pick' the Bulls ever got was Jerry Sloan in the 1966 expansion draft.

“John and Gar, what are your thoughts?”

JPAX—- “I think we’re very fortunate to have solidified the franchise’s reputation for rewarding people who understand what we’re all about by giving you a regular paycheck for your house-mouse dot-com thing you do on our website. Beyond that, honestly, I think that just like back in 1985, we’re miles from nowhere only this time we don’t have Michael [Jordan] on our team to bail out a lot of asses, none more so than the two Jerrys and Tex.

“Yes, the fellow over there from that paper that no one has read in ten years or so…I apologize…Is it Jack Cowlick?…”

(CAREER ASS-WIPE) —- It’s ah, Joe Cowlan [sic], John and I want to ask about a report from a source near the Bagley camp who supposedly was being chided by sources near the Carter camp that they reportedly played to near standoffs every time they went one-on-one later this past season down in Durham., or wherever Duke is. Do non-specific, unsourced reports from camps reportedly close to players like that, including one you took with the No. 7 pick, effect the way the team will move forward?”

JPAX—- “I think questions like that explain why your newspaper is beyond rigor mortis and has lost close to eighty percent in circulation and advertising revenue since 2010. You also do the impossible. You make me long for Jay Mariotti. He, at least, had talent, balls and a capacity to incite. The swill you slap together even makes me long for Terry Boers and his baboon-like jowls to be back haunting the team and rushing to see Tiny Archibald come out of the shower without his towel on. At least ‘Old Windy’ had George Andrews and a whole lot of phone-sex lines on speed dial.

“Yes, over here, the fellow from The Athletic…”

(FELLOW FROM ‘THE ATHLETIC’)—- John and Gar, you passed on Michael Porter, who fell all the way to Denver at No. 14. Did his history of back problems back you off on him because our metric guys put together a thing showing that he is twenty percent less likely to have that sort of injury reoccur when playing a straight-up man against anything but a good offense with off-ball cuts and few isos and forty percent less likely to have the same sort of injury against pick-and-rolls where the roller is no more than three or four inches taller than him and winds up with the ball off the pick. Did you take all of that into consideration when you went with Carter instead?”

GAR —- “Let me take first crack at what you said. We really don’t want to comment on somebody we didn’t take and we wish Michael nothing but the best with the Nuggets. We’re very happy about the way our staff and scouts came to our final recommendations and then it was up to John and I to go to Michael and Jerry and say here are the players who we think will best help us push the rebuild to its next logical stage. That’s really what it all comes down to. We were aware of an incredible array of metrics on every player on the globe coming into tonight and we’re pleased with what we walked away with.”

JPAX— “I think Gar pretty well covered it. Pushing a rebuild in today’s NBA is a lot different then when I switched over from broadcasting because you didn’t have as many ill-informed poltroons running around the media rooms and asking a whole lot of bonehead questions and reporting whatever they want. And that metrics stuff means a whole lot when you're down two in Game Six of an NBA Finals on the road and Danny Ainge inexplicapably fades off you to further clog an already clogged middle and you nail a three. I was thinking a whole lot about metrics in that moment.

“OK, K.C….”

(‘K.C.’)—- I wrote on Monday that if you don’t trade up, you’d take Carter at No. 7 and you did. Can you tell us what your thoughts on that are and that if we were assigned media seats by fidelity to the franchise only Sam and I would be in the front row, right?”

JPAX—- “What do you want K.C., a cookie? Gar spoon-feeds you all you need to keep the party line out there and you’ve been given every assurance by the people who matter that when Sam finally kicks, you get the house-mouse dot.com golden pension thing. Anything else?”

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