State of What Nation Address

Don't take life too seriously! It will kill you

“Fellow South Africans, dumelang, molweni, goeie naand, and to our esteemed international observers—especially President Kagame, who I’m sure is watching with popcorn—it is my honor to deliver this State of What Nation Address. Let us begin by acknowledging that, yes, the lights are still off. But worry not! We’ve replaced load-shedding with ‘diplomatic load-balancing’—a fancy term for outsourcing our problems to Rwanda.”

On Rwanda: The Art of Diplomatic Yoga “I am proud to announce that South Africa has mastered the ancient art of saying nothing while sounding profound. When 13 of our brave soldiers were tragically killed by alleged Rwandan-backed rebels, did we panic? No! We issued a sternly worded tweet. Twice. And when President Kagame called me a liar and threatened war, I responded with the iron fist of… another Zoom meeting. Diplomacy, comrades!”

“Some say we should retaliate. But why start a war when we can lose one elegantly? Our troops in the DRC are currently practicing strategic retreating—a skill honed by years of budget cuts. Remember: a modern army doesn’t need helicopters; it needs vibes. And ours are immaculate.”

Donald Trump’s ‘Racism’ Critique: A Masterclass in Distraction “Now, let’s address the elephant in the room—or should I say, the orange elephant. Comrade Trump has accused South Africa of ‘open racism against whites.’ My response? Yawn. We’ve been called worse by taxi drivers. But fret not! To prove him wrong, I’ve ordered a reconciliation braai… sponsored by TikTok influencers. Nothing says unity like a hashtag and undercooked boerewors.”

“Meanwhile, Trump’s peace plan for the DRC involves selling Goma to Elon Musk as a ‘Mars colony starter pack.’ Genius! Why mediate when you can monetize?”

Julius Malema’s Hot Takes: The EFF’s Greatest Hits “To my dear brother Julius Malema, who insists we ‘go for Rwanda’—calm down, mlungu. We can’t even fix potholes. But Julius is right about one thing: Kagame cannot address us like that. Next time, we’ll send him a strongly worded voicemail… in Zulu. Ukunyamalala, Paul.”

Closing Fantasies (With Unicorn Sparkles): “In conclusion, our nation is strong, resilient, and totally not on fire. To Rwanda: we forgive you. To Trump: we’ll send a rainbow nation emoji!”

“Remember, South Africa: when life gives you lemons, blame colonialism. When life gives you a diplomatic crisis, schedule a committee. I thank you.”