Starve the Ego. Feed the Soul

Spoiler alert! This is a reflection, a provocative inquiry, and a love letter to my father, Larry A. Evans.

I've spent most of my life feeling “different” — like I see the world differently than most. And only recently did it dawn on me that the awareness I have is grounded in having a quite uncommon father.

I feel extraordinarily blessed by time spent observing Larry Evans in action. I, and only I, have had the gift of growing up witness to how this man lives and loves — loves his wife, loves his family, friends, community and humanity. For the whole of my lifetime, I've only seen him set foot in churches for weddings and funerals. Yet hands down, he is the human being with the purest heart I know. Righteous he is. Religious he is not.

Being Larry’s kid shaped much of my perspectives on life and love. It’s taken decades of soul work to see that I watched ego surrender in action, on the regular!?There are so many stories that illustrate the ways in which he prioritized feeding the soul, over serving the ego. It’s hard to choose which to share, so, I’ll pick just a few, in hopes that those of you who know Mr. Evans may offer up others that delight and inspire.

Love vs Ego

Larry finished business school in Portsmouth, Virginia in the 1960s. He graduated at the very top of his class and experienced rejection after rejection while watching his lower-ranking non-Black classmates find local job opportunities after graduation.?So, what did Larry do? He searched his soul and left Portsmouth, Virginia. He relocated farther north, studied computer programming and built a life in Maryland.

Evidently, he continued to experience racism at work, so much so that in the late 1900’s he endeavored to hold the U.S. Department of Energy accountable for racial discrimination. He put his ego aside and took a stand against DOE. How bad must things have been for him to ultimately prevail and be invited to testify before Congress?

And yet, guess how many times I heard Larry Evans speak a disparaging word about a “white people” or any race of people for that matter. None. Not once - not even over dinner in the privacy of his home have I ever heard my dad blame or share bitterness, contempt for, or mistrust of any race. I grew up thinking that bigotry was unacceptable — and that even if one had experienced it personally, it was not to be perpetuated.

Almost daily, I imagine a world in which we have a zero tolerance for bigotry and prejudice.

Service vs Ego

In the early 1990s, I came face to face with a very challenging woman. Let’s call her "Hardy." Hardy visited DC Styles High Tech Salon (can you believe we actually gave a Pittsburgh hair salon that name?!) as a walk-in client. She was an evil genius! She chose a basic service with the least expensive stylist in the tiered salon. Immediately upon completion of her service, she went off on the stylist in such a manner that was so disruptive, all anyone in the space wanted was for her to be gone. My job as a member of the leadership team was to try to make her happy. So I offered her a service with a more experienced, more premium hair stylist. I did this for a few weeks, with various stylists. Each time with the same results.

After she'd worked her way through about four people, each service gratis. It was my turn. I smugly thought my savage hair styling skills of the 1990s would leave her awestruck and delighted. Well, when I was done, she completely went off on me. That evening at home, I cried and called my dad. Through tears, I asked what could possibly have gone wrong! I told him the whole story and that I could see no errors in my work or any opportunities for correction.

My dad then shared stories of his time working in my grandfather's barber shop as a teen, and sometimes having to deal with people who were just plain difficult — folks who were so upset on the inside that nothing would soothe them. He explained, “When you stumble across such people, the game becomes doing your best to be kind to them.” Recognize that it’s natural to want accolades from customers to feel like we’ve been successful. But when you see you cannot please someone no matter how you’ve tried, “measure your success by whether you did your absolute best to be loving and kind. Not how they felt afterwards.”

When I shared that I had done my best to be kind to her, he said, “Well, then you were very successful today!” ?

Unity vs Ego

My dad's buddy wanted to play a round of golf at Andrews Air Force Base, so he proposed a foursome that included my dad’s buddy, a man from out of town — we will call him Jim —and Jim’s son. My dad had a hunch that Jim didn't like him but surrendered the notion, expected the best and invited them all to share time and space over 18 holes one sunny afternoon.

Nine holes in, Jim Jones went off (likely frustrated that he was losing) and hollared, “Larry, (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)! I’m not playing with you anymore!” Which created a very awkward moment for everyone, (except Jim).

What did Larry Evans do? Well, he said for a split second he considered giving Jim a piece of his mind, enumerating all the ways in which he was toxic and out of line. Then, he recognized that doing so would have created even more discomfort and potential embarrassment for Jim’s son and his buddy. So, he swiftly processed how to make the situation a win for everyone involved. He yielded.?He peaceably offered to continue the round with Jim’s son, so that Jim and his buddy could play alone. Wow!

For a long time, I thought my dad was simply unselfish. Now I realize that what appeared to be selflessness, was and is his profound awareness of goodness and wholeness with everything and everyone.

Behaving in ways that sustainably honor people is simple and it is not always easy. Because human beings are complex and dynamic. We change, and they shift. But being constant? That is hard. Larry Evans, with his relaxed ego, is just about as constant as they come. Today is his 79th birthday.

If you have the chance to get to know the man I call "Dad", do yourself the favor. And if you know him already, why not share a little something you’ve learned about the power of ego surrender?

“Effective people are not problem-minded; they're opportunity-minded. They feed opportunities and starve problems.” — Stephen R. Covey

“Feed your faith and your doubts will starve to death.” — Debbie Macomber

"You can feed your ego, or you can feed your family. You cannot feed them both." — Zig Ziglar