Starting High School - Advice for girls (and parents!) on sailing into year 7!

For some girls dipping their toes into the big pond of year 7 can feel a little daunting, particularly if they are starting a high school where they won't have the comfort of their familiar Year 6 crew there to reassure them.? Enlighten runs a full day Journey program for students in Year 7. It's an orientation to high school event aimed at building connection, a sense of belonging and calming some of those early jitters! We have run this program as part of the orientation?at a number of Sydney schools for over a decade now; in fact at Ascham, Kambala, Roseville, Tara and Wenona we've become a rite of passage.We are excited to be running our Journey program at Hornsby Girls for the first time this year too!? It's not too late to join us, email me to find out more:?[email protected]?

One of the activities we do with girls early on is to ask them to take a moment to reflect on any worries or concerns they may have about what high school might be like. They write these down anonymously, and we have a little ritual where we choose to leave these concerns aside for the day (recognising all our feelings are valid, but we may choose to park them for the day and embrace the excitement of a new beginning).? Almost every?girl writes at least one of the same two fears:

- I am scared I won't make any friends? (75% of girls share this concern with us)

- I am worried I will get lost?

The following is just some of the advice we offer teen girls throughout the day on their main concern, making new friends. Feel free to share some of these tips (shared here as if I am talking to them) with your new students too!

Advice for girls - friendship 101

Let’s go back to basics and take the time to learn how to make friends. Young people are hardly ever given advice about this, even though one of your greatest needs is a sense of belonging, particularly in the middle years of school. That’s strange, isn’t it?

As obvious as some of these pointers may sound, it’s worth taking a look at them and having a think about them. And, hey, if you roll your eyes and think, ‘I already knew that!’ then here’s a chance for you to feel like the Friendship Legend that you are.

?1. Introduce yourself and remember names.

This shows people that you’ve seen them and taken the time and energy to notice them. I’m hopeless at remembering people’s names, so I make sure when I first meet someone that I say their name at least once straightaway to help me learn it: ‘Hey, Melinda, it’s great to meet you. Melinda, do you happen to know how to get to the toilets as I have no clue yet!’ Sneaky, huh? Also, notice here I was honest about needing help (with finding the toilets)? Don’t feel like you need to pretend to be 100% all over things 100% of the time! In fact, people are likely to either enjoy feeling good by helping you out, or join you in admitting they’re clueless too and you can have a giggle together at yourselves!?Vulnerability is attractive.

2. Make a point of telling people your name, too.?

I know that whenever someone bothers to?introduce themselves, I’m much more likely to remember them. Don’t just be ‘the new kid’,?be you

3. Figure out who you want to be friends with and why.?

You’ll then be less likely to get caught up with friends who aren’t healthy for you. To form a friendship with someone, you first need to learn more about you, rather than more about them – give yourself some attention! You need to know what your values are and what you want from the relationship. This activity should help:

Get a big blank piece of paper and write across the top:?What values are important to me in a friendship?

• Start making a list. There are no right or wrong answers, just values that matter to you in a relationship – values like trust and honesty. It’s not about what matters to your best friend, parents or teachers. This is your list.
• If you have trouble thinking of the next one, ask yourself, ‘What else is important to me in friendship?’ and keep going.
• Once you feel that you’ve come up with everything you can think of, read your list and edit it. There might be some things that, when you think about them more, you decide aren’t very important to you, or some that are similar and can be combined.
• Now it’s time to rank your values. Give each value a number, starting at number one for the most important. If you find it difficult to rank them, ask yourself, ‘If I could have only one of these qualities in my friendship, which would it be?’ Then keep working through the list until each one has a number.
• Look at your top five values. You’ll be genuinely happy if these five are present in your relationships most (if not all) of the time. The other ones on the list are important, too, but aren’t as essential to your happiness.

If you feel like a friendship isn’t quite working for you, doing this exercise can be a good way to figure out if your most important needs are being met – and, if they’re not, then you can find ways to do something about that. Check in with yourself every so often to see whether your values have changed, so you keep getting the most out of your friendships. You can also use this activity when deciding what qualities you value in a romantic partner or what type of job you might enjoy the most.

4. Get involved in after-school activities.?

Not only will this help you learn new skills, but it’s also a great way to meet like-minded people. Try sports teams, debating, drama and so on, until you find the right fit. (I met so many fun people through drama at my school – and I ended up with one of the lead roles in our production of The Wind in the Willows. I was Mole. Yep, Mole. You’re right, I did get teased for this – ‘Hey! You’re a mole!’ – but I thought Mole was such a cute, loyal little dude that I held my head up high and convinced everyone this was the Coolest. Role. Ever.)

What are some of the extra-curricular activities offered at your new school that sound fun to you? When are they offered? How do you sign up for them?

5. Work on good conversation skills so you get better at listening and talking.?

Great conversationalists tend to do the following:

Ask questions.?When someone asks questions, it shows they’re interested in the other person and his or her opinion. Open questions – ones that need more than just a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ – really help get the conversation going. For example, try ‘Why did you pick basketball?’ rather than ‘So, do you like basketball?’ And an excellent conversation starter is to ask what people usually do on weekends: not only will you find out about all the best local hang-outs, you may get asked to come along and try them out. Winning!

Offer observations or examples?to show they understand or empathise with what the other person is saying. For example, if someone says that they’re worried about being new, you could say, ‘Yep, I felt like that when I started at this school. It can feel lonely being the newbie. How are you coping with it?’ (See how I also threw in an open- ended question there? Genius.)

Show that you’re listening by referring back to what the other person has said.?It’s best to do this in a meaningful way and by making connections where possible. For example, ‘Wow, Taylor Swift is my favourite artist too! What is your favourite album and what do you love about it? ’ (PS? I do love T Swift! I could chat about her all day! If we ever meet, you should totally ask me about her.)

Consider body language.?In any real-world interaction, it’s not just about what people say to each other, but also about what their bodies are saying. The following body- language cues indicate that a person is interested in you and what you’re talking about. They act as your ‘green light’ to continue, safe in the knowledge that someone is engaging with you. –Posture: The person looks comfortable, and maybe they’re leaning in close to you or, occasionally, touching you. Their arms aren’t crossed. They look relaxed. – Eye contact: In Western culture, looking into another person’s eyes, particularly when they’re speaking, indicates interest in that person. In some cultures, however, this may be considered rude. And for some neurodiverse people, eye contact might not? be comfy!? – Nodding in agreement: When someone nods in response to the most important things you’re saying, they’re showing interest and understanding. – Smiling or laughing: Usually a person doesn’t smile or laugh unless they’re enjoying what you’re saying. These are body-language ‘gold stars’.

Keep these body-language basics in mind when you’re listening, too. If you like what you’re hearing, show it.

Now for the negatives... Negative body language isn’t necessarily a red light showing that someone has completely lost interest in you – they may be tired, preoccupied with other thoughts or anxious about something. However, it’s important to be aware of these signs, as they’ll help you figure out whether the other person is right there with you or not paying attention:

– Appearing tense or nervous: If you’re talking to someone who is frowning, crossing their arms, fidgeting or looking around (as if searching for someone else to talk to), then they might not be interested in continuing your conversation. – Yawning: They’ve either had a late night or you’re losing them. (By the way, if someone is talking to you and you can’t stop yawning, but you really are enjoying what they’re saying, it’s a good idea to apologise and explain that you are interested, you’re just tired.)

6. Don’t be afraid to be positive and upbeat.?

Some people might think it makes them look cool when they walk around saying how ‘lame’ things are, but it usually just makes them look whiny. Agree?

7. Be willing to risk rejection.?

You might approach someone who isn’t willing to make a new friend, so be prepared for this possibility and don’t take it personally. Their loss, right? Anyway, a ‘no’ isn’t a ‘no’ forever, it’s just a ‘no’ for that day. It’s possible that the person who rejects you now will be interested in you later on – or it’s possible that this person is great but just doesn’t believe you are compatible, for whatever reason. That’s OK. Don’t overthink it.

Advice for your parents and carers?on managing new beginnings -? five ways to help teens beat the back-to-school blues… for good.

1. RESILIENCE?There will be days that are stressful and leave them feeling overwhelmed. Don’t rush into fix-it mode too soon; the maths teacher they say is too strict may end up becoming their favourite. Give your child some time to adjust to new teaching and learning approaches, and encourage them to develop their own problem-solving skills. Praise progress and encourage them to focus on their achievements rather than obsessing over any small missteps they may make (“Tell me about something you did well at school this week”).

2. A ROUTINE?At the beginning of the year young people are full of good intentions, so harness that positive energy and get them into some solid after-school study patterns. They don’t necessarily have to stick to a set schedule every day, but the length of time they commit to spending on school work should remain consistent. Study skills expert Dr Prue Salter argues that if they don’t have homework they should still block out that time and write up their notes or read a book. “Once home learning becomes part of the daily routine,” she advises, “parents won’t need to engage in constant arguments about it.”

3. INVITATIONS?Activities such as swimming or watching a movie can encourage fragile new friendships to flourish. Your child may feel some anxiety about finding new friends. Encourage them to get involved in school activities where they are likely to meet kids with similar interests. If they have changed schools (or perhaps started at a high school that has required them to leave their old primary school buddies behind) let them keep in touch with their old friends, too; it is important they have a few different social networks they can draw on. This way, if one network collapses, they will still feel like they belong as they will have a tribe elsewhere.

4. TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS?Our children need to view school (and homework) as a marathon, not a sprint. Work with them if they’re staying too focused on an upcoming test or big assignment at the expense of their other tasks – and ensure you’re also discussing their growing competence. As difficult as it may be, this may mean letting your child stumble every now and then. Doing most of the assignment that was left until the last minute may seem like it is helping short term, but long term they will be better off developing strategies to manage their own time and to-do list. A lesson that can be fast tracked by accepting the consequence of their choice not to do the work (or doing it haphazardly) may be a lower grade.

5. REASSURANCE?At the end of my daughter’s first week at high school, I had a huge cuddly toy chimpanzee waiting as a surprise for her on her bed. I wanted her to know that while she was growing up, some things – like her mother’s love, and the thrill of finding a snuggly primate – would remain a constant. He was quickly christened her “comfort monkey”, one she would lay all over when she was overwhelmed at the end of a particularly exhausting school day.