Start with Why

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.” Brene Brown

Raw wholehearted Vulnerability

I'm nervous. I'm extremely extremely nervous as I haven't been in a long time. I have butterflies in my stomach for about a week. I feel deeply that I have to start this newsletter. I feel deeply that this is the right time to start it. I feel deeply that I can make a change. I feel deeply that I am the right person, in the right moment, in the right place, at the right time, to do this ...

And yet, for a week, I doubt myself. I feel fear and shame and guilt and all that lovely bunch, peaking from my shadows. I am anxious. I am confused. I can't decide if I want to open up so deeply. If I'm ready for all that may come next. I can't decide not even what to start with. I can't decide the format.

I know the topics. I know the title. I know I will write in a fluid storytelling way. I won't write short or bullet points, at least not yet (sorry for all of you TLDR folks, but it is what it is and I know and feel that what I write in exactly the way I will write it is needed, so I won't fit into the TLDR box). I wrote so much already, the words are flowing out for hours and hours out of me, that I probably am close to having written a book, and yet, I stumble upon the decision to start....because this is not my short story on instagram that's gone in 24h and is maybe seen or maybe not, this is not a playground anymore, this is a whole other level, and once I press publish, in a professional platform, there's no going back and probably thousands will get a notification to read this first chapter and newsletter edition of an authentic story, with all the lessons learned, a story that is beyond vulnerable to share with a face to face person... how can I do that fully in public?... with what should I start?

And yet, since years, I see myself speaking in front of people on these growth and healing topics. Whether it's 2 people or 20.000 people, I see myself putting the same amount of heart and soul in bringing the best value that I can bring out of me. I trust that I have this vision for a reason. I surrender to this test of insecurity and deep raw vulnerability ... I surrender, and I keep taking aligned actions with who I know deep down that I am put on this Earth to be...

Tonight, I met my lovely special sacred inner circle and we did a meditation focused on manifesting our dreams. We talked how a dream will come true if we feel 1) Desire and Deep Emotional connection, if we have 2) the Comittment and Dedication to Show up and Stay, even when things get tough, and if we 3)Trust and surrender that things are aligned in the right way, at the right time.

I realized I was literally checking all these 3 points about my dreams and especially now about this newsletter ... I'm clearly in it for the long run ... and yet, I couldn't press publish, so I opened up about this and what topics I had in mind ... and I got inspired to finish one of the articles that I already have half-written ... Start with Why...

So today, 25.05.2023, at 9pm aprox, I promised to myself that I will finalise my post and publish the story of my WHY before going to sleep. No matter how late it gets, no matter if it's the next day. I'll press publish before I go to sleep. And then I'll trust, accept and surrender to whatever comes my way.

The Supported Bridge

This month of May, I took part in a University Master Research using trauma yin yoga to support healing and self regulation for people with anxiety or trauma or high levels of stress in their lives and that are not practicing yoga regularly. Yesterday, on Wednesday night it was the 6th and last session of this research.

I arrived 15 min late. I took a taxi to still be there. I knew I had to, even later... and then it hit me why I had to be there. One of the first yin yoga positions that we did in the class was the "supported bridge pose" (Setu Bandha Sarvangasana). It was not comfortable. My back felt like it was almost breaking in two. I was barely hanging on... I felt similar discomfort every time I had a blocked back or lumbago...and the thoughts came running... wait a minute, every single time you had a blocked back, there was abandonment or loss or pain in your life, some situation or person was not supporting you emotionally as you needed....something that broke your back...it was a pshychosomatic symptom...

... and then, in the middle of this rush of thoughts, the teacher explained to us the spiritual meaning of this pose, of feeling supported and of bridging the past with the future. In many spiritual traditions, the bridge symbolizes a connection or bond between two worlds, two shores, the mundane and the divine, divided by the river of life. Constructing and then crossing this bridge represents a radical transition or transformation, whereby we leave behind our transitory everyday existence and enter the enlightened realm of the eternal Self (atman).

Bridge to my Healed Higher Inner Self

Hearing this, I suddenly started crying... and even though it was the start of the 75min class for me, I cried almost through every other pose and cried again at the end of the class, mentioning this.... I'm crying writing this ...

First, I cried because of my past ... I remembered how last year, while I was already working for 6 months with a therapist on building my healing bridge, suddenly and unexpectedly my whole world crumbled and I realized the ugly truth of lies, betrayal, abandonment and more, from exactly the people that I trusted .... Et tu, Brutus?....the pedestal that I put them on crumbled in front of my inner eyes and the rose coloured glasses that I used whenever I looked at them ... just vanished... there was only the raw painful ugly dark truth and the broken pieces of my heart, of our trust, of their pedestal that I put them on, of my expectations that they are different than they are ...

This truth pushed me straight into burnout for the second time... All the 6 months of therapy I did up to that point didn't count anymore ... the shock was too massive ... whatever progress I made for my healing and building my bridge, simply crumbled to the ground ... I crumbled to the ground, I stopped every bridge work... I couldn't anymore.... first, I needed to survive, to don't drown... in the previous weeks I was sick with corona, and yet I was so dedicated and loyal that I chose to work through medical, when I shouldn't have.... then I was in holidays and it was also my birthday, but instead of traveling or celebrating, I collapsed exhausted and slept around the clock for another week ... I was already in burnout, I was also in denial and just not wanting to accept it, out of loyalty for them and disloyalty for myself, still trying to make it work... but the moment when I understood the truth and the loss and the abandonment in my most vulnerable moment... I cried for almost 24h non-stop, I couldn't sleep anymore and I felt for the first time something that I never felt before, or never could put it into words... I felt unsafe in my own body, in my own house, in the middle of one of the safest cities of this Earth... I was lucky to have a friend in that moment and we went to a hotel for 2, eventually 3 days... I couldn't even stay in my own house... but I also couldn't leave town ... because this time, I knew what to do, but I had to calm down enough, to try to gather any left over focus and power to fight back ...

In my first burnout I couldn't do this.. in my first burnout I was fawning, that's when I met my inner child, throwing tantrums, crying because she didn't felt loved or emotionally supported and didn't know how to regulate her intense emotions ... but in the end, still doing her best to make it work, to keep the connection, to forgive, to move on, to people please, feeling bad, feeling guilty, shamed, broken, not enough, not worthy of love and connection and so on.... I worked a lot of all that out of my system after my first burnout... I was still not very good at setting boundaries, but I learned how to FLY - First Love Yourself and to ask for my needs, to set some boundaries....theoretically at least, even though my practical implementation was not the best...

But in this second burnout, to my surprise, I didn't met again my inner child...this time, my inner teenager came out...and she was Pissed! I entered for the first time in my life into the trauma fight response. My inner teenager was initially just a bigger inner child, all her previous actions were coming still from a fawning people pleasing response and state of mind, she did all that she felt was mature and adult like of her, all needed to ask for help, to try to communicate her needs and boundaries, she did this for more than a year, was loyal and supportive...and yet... the ending was as ugly as it was ... and the way it was felt extremely unfair and injust to her... don't get me wrong, my/her behaviour was not the best as well, burnout is 100% a shared responsibility, no one has a spotless behaviour while in the middle of survival trauma responses... but the way it all happened...just No...she had no option but to balance the scales of justice...

It took me a few weeks, maybe two months, to get out of the dissociative state that I entered.... it took me a few good months and a few relapses into this inner unsafety before I learned how to manage to regulate again my nervous system and how to reconnect ... how to enter again into my own body and to feel safe ... how to embody myself again... I learned all this from my 3 local awesome therapists - a psycholog, a psychotherapist, an ergotherapist -, from an excellent online therapist that runned a burnout cohort course that I booked without second thoughts, from the various instagram reels from other therapists, from reading a ton of therapy books that I ordered and bought like crazy in that period, from watching a lot of youtube videos, from people that walked the healing path and shared their wisdom with me. I even learned from unwanted painful mirrors this time, because I knew I was looking at myself, the self that needed connection and love and support and safety.

And when I finally could feel that inner safety, when I had some kind of solution agreed two months later, when I could stop being in the fight mode, I crashed literally into weeks and months of freeze response, with long long days of sleep, all in the middle of last summer... the only thing I had energy to do then was just to Sleep, Survive, and SHOW UP to the few weekly meetings that I promised, and only because I had a few Safe Healing people doing all this with me and supporting me, cheering for me to get back on my feet: my therapy hours, 1-on-1 and in group, ergotherapy at home, talking with the few inner circle friends left and my boxing lessons with my boxing trainer... because yes, from the just walking and dancing kind of girl, I ended up joining the gym, with a bang - I booked immediately boxing classes and paid a wholehearted awesome trainer for months to keep me accountable to show up weekly and to train and to learn how to box safely, so I can release all the emotions ... I mentioned my inner teenager was pissed right? I've never ever allowed myself to feel or felt this level of rage and anger. And yet, this is exactly what saved me ... I promise I will write a deeper longer article on the blessings of Anger in my life, after a lifetime of being the good girl, the nice girl, the people pleasing girl.

And then after a few weeks of relative peace, when I thought I'm all ready to get back to "normal life" ... there came the autumn with another shock realization... the fact that behind the burnout was a subconscious trauma of emotional neglect, all in the middle of the intense emotional Scorpio season of eclipses, change, transformations, death and rebirth (yes, since this last year, I'm a big fan of astrology and Human Design and I'm not ashamed of it, but it's a topic for another post). I fought with my therapist for a year on this trauma topic, cause how could it be, I come from a loving family, never been hit, we love each other, we hug each other, we support each other...and yet....I understand now exactly how it happened... and I understand how it's also a generational trauma ...

Looking back, the autumn is where I believe I finally restarted to build again my healing bridge to the other side....only 6 months later after the initial shock that lead me to burnout... I kept at it, building my bridge, one emotional breakthrough after another emotional breaktrough, while being washed through intense waves of memories from my burnouts and from my entire life, filled with sadness, grief, happiness, despair, hope, guilt, peace, regret, shame, joy, in an accelerated rhythm, for 3-4-6 months... before I could truly feel emotionally empty ....before I could feel all connected with myself, all re-activated, chakras and all, before having spiritual experiences one after another, before having another level of consciousness, before I could feel my energy and brain ready to get back to the real work life too...

My whole bridge work and unwavering trust that I am on the right path with my healing wish paid off big time, I unlocked a whole level-up version of me, I'm rocking this whole healing process, my spark is back into my eyes, I'm feeling constant joy again and now that I feel I've crossed this bridge, I'm currently happily working with a team and a company that has values aligned with me, they don't just focus on Keep Growing, they don't hustle only, they also align, and one of their values is Staying Human... which is aligned perfectly with my values and these were the values that were nowhere to find last year... I'm not posting yet where or what I work, simply because I want to protect my joy a little bit more, I want to keep this little slice of personal Eden, this little heaven of mine a little bit more just for myself and for my colleagues and for my inner circle of close friends and family. Simply feeling safe enough to talk with them about my struggles, in all the interviews and in internal talks, is testimony enough to how awesome and emotionally safe they are making me feel. I only have good words to say about them and I hope it will continue like this. And I'm extremely grateful to the headhunter who spotted me and supported me in this whole process. Because this whole crazy trauma journey didn't diminish my marketing skills, but it significantly improved my empathy, compassion, my human understanding and more... so much more... I'll let you discover them all in time...

The Hero Journey

The second reason why I cried was because I understood why I could not start yet this newsletter, although I have the idea, name and content in mind daily... I wrote in the last 11 days exactly 11 pages just for the launch post, plus multiple other drafts for future posts, this is at least 11 times more content than a normal post size.... and yet, there was something that intuitively held me back from publishing.... I knew I had to wait, but I couldn't explain logically why...? until those tears in the middle of the last trauma yoga class, brought also the clarity and the explanation with them ...

When it comes to stories, you see the entire hero journey. You see their Before, their challenge, the hanging cliff,? their tests, you root for them, you cheer them up along their fights, you feel with them and hold your breath when they get into the final testing times and you celebrate their success and enjoy their After.

When it comes to mental or emotional health.... In case there is a talk about it, there is rarely any bridge in the light of the day... and in your journey, persons that haven't done their healing, good intentions or not, conscious or not of what they are doing, they will bomb you with positive vibes only, you are told it's all in your head, that you should stop being too much, or too sensitive or too negative and countless other unhelpful unhealthy gaslighting advices...

In the mental health journey, we regret many times the tragic End of a person dealing with "too much" stuff and people are still surprised every single time how come they didn't realise they were so down... but it's simple really...no one heard them or supported them when they opened up....

From the ones that manage to reach a successful After, we occasionally hear of glimpses of the Before. Most of them become healers on their own, whether they know it or not, with their simple presence, for the people around them.

Those of us that were still in the Before, struggling with building our bridge, opened up over and over this last year, that we rarely could hear about the During phase outside of the closed doors of the group therapy meetings.... we only heard about the After...we got discouraged to even go on sometimes, we didn't connect with them, we didn't connect with ourselves too ... we felt even more alone sometimes... because it's all only for 1h of our group sessions, while we live through this silence and stigma nightmare 24/7 in our daily lives...

Almost always, there is no Bridge story, there is no In-Between Healing Journey or there is no resonance with all the back and forth, the building and colapses, the dark intense emotional waves that happen until you manage to build the bridge to the new you.

While in that supported bridge pose, I realized that the content I had written these days would have followed a similar pattern of almost silencing a good part of my story, my Before being partially presented, to don't ruffle too many feathers … my After being the main focus, example, role model kind of person for the healing change .... my content was having the same gap of In-Between, of the Healing Journey, of the Supported Bridge….also, I'm no model, I'm no better than you are. You're worthy, you deserve to heal, supported, in safe emotional spaces. So you need to know what to ask, you need to understand what you go through, to be aware of who's a safe person and who's not, to protect your joy, to surrender, to heal...

And yet, the Lotus, and any flower really, doesn’t just happen to Bloom…. The lotus seed first needs to be planted in deep dark muddy waters or the flower seeds need to first endure the heavy cold dense earth…before they can crack open and breakthrough their first seedling growth, before they can mature and they can finally bloom... It takes a lot of patience, it takes a lot of darkness, it takes a gardener's patience and trust and alignment with the seasons, to be able to produce such blooming magic... and the gardener needs to connect and learn from other gardeners how they did it...how they grew their lotuses...

The Synchronicities

While in this supported bridge pose, I remembered compassion how in this last year, I felt as a person looking for water in the never-ending dessert, while looking for people brave enough to speak about their burnout stage, not the After glowing stage only, to guide me through my in-between healing phase, people to follow and to relate with... and I was saddened to see that there was a big gap and a lot of silence while people go through their in-between ... So I broke the silence... If you want to see an example of what's going on in this burnout and trauma in-between phase, when there's a lot of darkness, head over to my instagram and look into the Healing Highlight folders....I don't align with that energy anymore. But I'm not ashamed of it. It was what I needed to survive, faced with all that I was faced. I don't come from the same energy anymore. Which is why I feel it's now the right time to open up here.

In the past couple of weeks, since I have this newsletter in mind, I keep meeting and having people open up to me wholeheartedly and vulnerably about their current struggles... some about their conscious pains and thought of taking their lives...some of their conscious external grace of dealing with all their challenges, but the subconscious sleep walking actions of hurting themselves ... some open up to me with their struggles to find a therapist since a year.... some with the struggles to find a person with depth to relate with, which seems incredible in this 2,4 millions city that we live in ...

I see myself in all of them ...and yet, my story is not their story... we need all the healing/healed/ conscious voices to rise up and #breakthesilence so those who are still struggling and working on building their bridge to healing, can hear you, can relate to others and can have trust that there is a better other side, that is in this physical Earth, and not after, when we can only regret not being able to help them ...

Embodiment

From a person who only dealt with positive emotions and avoided fully the negative unwanted ones with all kind of busy activities, I evolved a lot... I appreciate darkness now, because I know it's the path to the inner light and eventually to balance and EQ maturity ... I used to run away from it, full emotional neglect, I kept busy busy busy just to don't face myself...after all, as at least one of my trauma bonds said and probably as I said it too at one moment, trying to follow their path.... I'm not tired, I'll keep working, I'll sleep when I'll die... how many times have you heard or thought such workaholic thoughts? how could I have healed in such environments that see no issues with such words? In environments that discard you as an empty battery when you ask for help, stability and support while you cross the healing therapy bridge to the new you? There's enough chaos there, you don't need it everywhere in your life...

The first two things that you learn how to do in trauma therapy is finding safe support and reconnecting and rebuilding your inner safety. You do that more through your body than through your mind. Trauma is stored in our bodies, especially in the back, hips and a lot of the grief is also stored in the chest area. The more you learn to unlock safely these traumas from your body, the more you reconnect to yourself, mind, body and spirit, the more you align, the more you grow, the more you walk easily across the emotional waters.

Mirrors & Authenticity

The next thing is exploring who you really are. Authentically. What brought you down? What broke your heart? But also ... what lights you up? What brings you joy? what keeps you going? There is no influence from outside, they mostly have abandoned you anyway, so who are you now, what truly brings you joy?

Among others, what brings me joy is sharing my lessons, teaching, mentoring, listening, discussing with depth, empathy and compassion. So here are a few of my healing lessons:

1. What breaks in silence, heals in authentically showing up for yourself, in authentically speaking your truth.
2. Who abandons you, abandoned themselves first. And they abandon persons that already abandoned themselves without realising, just like me in the last decade.. We all kept reacting from our own trauma coping mechanisms, subconsciously most likely, in a continuous vicious circle, we all keep attracting each other, in a subconscious effort to solve differently our own unspoken traumas, until One of them had enough ... and dares to face it all, alone, in pain, and break the cycle and break the patterns ... I am One.
3. A year later, when I finally understand all this, I have such a deep compassion and even forgiveness now for my Before version of myself and even for those who abandoned, betrayed or ghosted me (although it was never asked). But it's ok. I am at peace with myself. The important part is that I'm never abandoning or betraying myself again.
4. Just like a bee, this is my healing hive and I'm producing my honey now (joy, healing, wisdom, emotional safety, inner peace, the huge generator and working power that I have when I light up with excitement) and I'll happily share all this with those who support and take care of me and my emotional witty kind of people ... while fiercely protecting my honey from here onwards, from all those who feel entitled to come just for the benefits but none of the work, the honey and healing hives thieves and destroyers.
5. What breaks in trauma, betrayal, shock and disconnection, heals in safe spaces, community, connection, support and emotional safety.
6. Behind every complaint that I had, I found an unmet need of mine.
7. There are no monsters to fight off in your shadows... It's only yourself ...Behind every time I critiqued others, there was the same unloved part of myself, my external critic was talking with the voice of my internal critic...that was at first an external critic to begin with ... sounds like Inception no?
8. A healing women or a healing man, fully in touch with their strong healing feminine energy, with their raw emotional darkness and their incredible brilliant light, once they access their full power, are like "I see YOU, Come with me, let's get High", but it's not the kind of high that you expect... they show you your potential, mirror back your shadows, to be healed and integrated, inspire you to meet your Higher Healed self and puts you on your life path and life purpose, helps you elevate your consciousness... I am very grateful for all the healers that I've met and lately I keep getting mirrors back that I am also my own kind of healer, with the words I speak and write and the awareness I create.
9. The Healers don't save you. They are not here to do the work for you. Oh no! That part is yours to keep. You are not a victim. No one comes to save you. The Healers keep on Healing themselves too, it's enough work on their plate. But the Healers do guide you or support you or listen to you and inspire you to take action, this time aligned with who you truly are, deep down, and not who you were conditioned to be.
10. In every person and behaviour that made me triggered and reactive, I discovered myself and my path to healing.
11. Just like you are my mirror, I am also your mirror... Read the points above again and think of yourself and maybe your interactions with me and others from your life ...

If the Lotus could speak ...

The Lotus doesn’t just happen to Bloom…. The lotus seed first needs to be planted in deep dark mud… they need to be nurtured by the water, the mud, the gardener, the nature, the community all around them...

“The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud --- the obstacles of life and its suffering. ... The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. ... Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness, dying and death. If we are to strive as human beings to gain more wisdom, more kindness and more compassion, we must have the intention to grow as a lotus and open each petal one by one." Goldie Hawn

Where are you my wise lotuses? Speak up, #breakthesilence, the other yet-to-grow lotus seeds and gardeners need you, you are needed, please talk about your healing journey!

If you don't feel ready yet to speak, but you feel inspired to keep reading this kind of posts until you build up your own courage to speak up about your journey, please subscribe and keep in touch. I have faith in you that you'll find your voice and your throat chakra will bloom open with your wise truth

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin

Until then, I hope you'll join me in my experimental newsletter and storytelling series: Growth. Embodied. Where I talk about the whole mental and emotional and growth and healing and embodiment journey. Raw. Authentic. Empathic. Compassionate. Just like, once upon the time, I hoped I can read.

No birth or rebirth is easy, and it's never as quick as planned.

A year and a bit later... It's 2:22 am. Here's to you, old me.

Thank you, my little spark, for keeping me alive.