Start-up diaries ...

A glossary of terms – Part 1

I realise after only a few months of being involved in the start-up world that this is a confusing and baffling world and that on many occasions it’s hard to understand who people are or what they really mean when they’re talking to you.?So, to help out, I’ve compiled a useful glossary of terms.?

Alpha stage prototype (n)?Scribble on a napkin.

Beta stage prototype (n)?Using the other side of the napkin, because the first side is full of scribbles and is generally illegible.?

Board Adviser (n).???Parent, spouse or anyone else in a position of authority or power (i.e. not themselves involved in an early stage startup).

Co-founder (n).??Random person that you’ve convinced (possibly involving blackmail, bribery, hypnosis or coercion) that your idea is a good one and they need to work with you to bring it to life.??See also Co-conspirator, Co-defendant, Colonoscopy.??

CTO (n)?[1]?Creator of Tremendous Omnipotence.?(That’s what you need to call him/her if you don’t want them stropping off in a huff when you when you ask timidly when will it be ready for the big pitch).??[2]?Christmas Tree Ornament.?

Creatives (n)??People who can’t code.?

Developer (n).?No idea.?Seriously.?But apparently they are the true brains behind every startup.?See also: Coder, Engineer, Game of Thrones.??

Explainer Video (n)??A sure sign of disaster.?Usually happens when you realise your product really doesn’t make much sense but for a few K a bunch of people with coloured glasses and cigarette jeans can find some inner meaning in it.??

Flexible workspace (n)??Coffee shop.

Growth Hack (v)?Finding novel, creative, magical and occasionally illegal ways to generate new users or generally grow the fortunes of the business.?Notable examples Jack (www.cows4Beans.com?) , Rumpelstiltskin (www.turnshitideatogold.com)

Ideate (v)?The process of coming up with an idea (in Co-founder’s case almost indistinguishable from sleeping)

Intellectual Property (n)?The notion of coming up with something so crazy and obscure that no one in their right mind would want to replicate it.?

Intern (n)??The lifeblood of most startups.????

Launch (v)?The act of releasing your wonderful and original product into the wild, normally at the stage where you’ve run out of ideas about what to do to make it work properly.???

Launch Party (n)?Gathering involving your mum, nan, a bottle of Shloer and a six-pack of pickled onion Monster Munch.?

Lean Startup (adj.)??The effect of surviving purely on coffee and adrenaline for 12-18 months

MVP (n) [1]?Minimum Viable Product.??An act of faith involving closing your eyes, squinting into the middle distance and generally using your imagination?[2]?My Volatile Partner.?See?Co-founder

Pitch (v)???A near-cinematic act of describing a work of creative genius designed to create a strong sense of belief in the impossible.?Not to be confused with Pitch Black, Fever Pitch, Pitch Perfect 2.?

Product-Market Fit (adj.)??The near-mythical startup nirvana when someone actually wants your product.?Believed to have happened a few times.?It’s what the CandyCrush did for mobiles, Minecraft did for the iPad and 50 Shades of Grey did for the Kindle.?

Project Plan using Agile (n)?Oxymoron.?

Silicon Abbey (n)?St Albans

Silicon Beach (n)?Brighton

Silicon Implant (Adj). Someone who is out of their depth in Hoxton.???

Start-up (n).?One or more optimistic but determined individuals who are convinced that by spending a lot of time tapping away earnestly on laptops and communicating on slack that they are actually a company. (Plural noun: hope)

User (n)??An individual with unrealistic, misguided and often false expectations

Value Proposition (n)?The reason for touting yourself about.?See Seven Wonders of the World.?