Start treating yourself the way you treat your friends
Heather McKenzie, MS, LCMHCS
Therapist, Clinical Supervisor, Anxiety + Emotion Management Aficionado
If you’re aiming to reduce anxiety, stress and emotional discomfort...it's time for you to get skilled at self-compassion.
This is not the same as self-esteem and it’s not self-confidence. Self-compassion is a way of treating yourself with grace rather than judgment. Learn what it is, how to do it, and when to use it.
Pause for a minute and bring to mind a person who you care a lot about.
How do you respond to them if they’re having a tough time?
How do you treat them if they tell you they’re feeling worried or disappointed or ashamed?
How do you support them when they’ve messed something up?
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Now take a minute to think about how you treat YOURSELF.
How do you talk to yourself when you’re struggling?
How do you treat yourself when things aren’t going very well?
What do you do inside when you've messed something up?
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--> Do you give yourself support and encouragement?
--> Do you come to your own defense?
--> Do you validate yourself for the way you are feeling?
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Or do you often get self-critical?
Do you tend to take a stance of ridicule, shaming, criticism, or disappointment? Maybe when things don’t go well, you hear this voice in your head…..
“You should have...”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“Why didn’t you...”
“If only you had…”
“I can’t believe that you….”
"You're such an idiot."
If you start bullying yourself when things don't go well, you're definitely not alone in that pattern. But now is a good time to make a change. Why?
You are the only person you're guaranteed to be in a relationship with until your final day.
In my opinion, this is the relationship that needs the most careful attention and work. Because the quality of the relationship you have with yourself will directly impact the quality of the relationships you'll have with others.
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So how are you treating YOU?
Especially when things aren't going well? Is that when you can get the roughest on yourself?
When we’re struggling, criticism is not what we need.
The data is in. Criticism does not help us find solutions or ways to cope. It fogs the brain.
Self-ridicule does not increase our motivation to handle hard things.
It does not give us energy or hope. Self-criticism is deflating and drains our momentum.
So what we can do instead – is offer some self-compassion.
Self-compassion is an ideal tool for moments when we feel a sense of failure as a person, when we fail to achieve a desired outcome, or when we fear that others might see us poorly.
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What exactly is self-compassion?
Self-compassion is what we offer ourselves in moments of difficulty.
It looks like unconditional regard, support, presence, and gentleness.
Self-compassion is the opposite of being a self-bully.
Self-compassion is about relating to yourself with kindness just as you would relate to someone you care about.
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Self-compassion is about seeing yourself as deserving.
Being deserving of love and kindness and support NO MATTER WHAT. And treating yourself that way.
Self-compassion is not really about seeing yourself as:
... or any list of positive words.
What self-compassion actually looks like.
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Self-compassion looks like nurturing ourselves as humans regardless of our performance.
We don’t have to earn self-compassion by being successful or perfect. And we don’t lose self-compassion when we make mistakes. We simply see and accept ourselves as humans who make mistakes and deserve care anyway.
Self-compassion is not?about giving approval to everything we do.
Approval implies passing a judgment of some sort. Self-compassion is a judgment-free exercise. We all do things that we aren’t pleased with. We all let ourselves down. This isn’t about that.
Self-compassion is not about giving ourselves compliments.
It's not about trying to boost your ego or increase confidence.
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Self-compassion is about noticing the internal urge to abandon yourself.
It's noticing the tendency to criticize yourself, to judge, to ridicule, or to doubt yourself...
...and STOP. And instead choose to bring in some grace and care right then.
3 ways to implement self-compassion
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1.??? Talk to yourself the way you'd talk to a friend or a young child.
Focus on self-statements of encouragement, warmth, support, unconditional acceptance and soothing.
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This is a tough moment. I’m here for you.
This feels awful, I'm not going to make it worse by criticizing.
You’re lovable no matter what.
It sucks that you’re dealing with this and I won’t leave you. I'm right here.
This moment is hard enough, I’m not going to hurt you more with criticizing.
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I’m worthy of care even if I mess up.
I’m struggling and I deserve supportive words even more right now.
I am more than my mistakes.
I am more than what I can do for other people.
I have at least a little beauty inside even if I don't like my outside right now.
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Note: Tweak these... consider what lands authentically for you and doesn't sound so cheesy that you'll just dismiss it. Identify what words the actual moment of distress calls for and give that to yourself.
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2. Focus on what you need or what might feel soothing and offer that to yourself.
If you’re stuck, consider what you'd offer to someone else if they were dealing with the same difficulty and offer that to yourself.
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3. Validate the emotions you’re feeling and let it be okay to feel upset about the moment.
Say the validating words you'd offer to someone dealing with a similar struggle.
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It makes sense that I feel ________, that’s a normal human reaction to this.
It’s so hard to feel disappointed about how I did something.
Most other people would also feel ________ about this.
This is absolutely difficult, of course I’m feeling _________.
If my friend was feeling ________, I would tell them _______.
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When to use self-compassion
Self-compassion is a valuable companion to trot out anytime, but it’s especially helpful when:
Some days call for extra gentleness?
I make an effort to show myself extra compassion on the days where I wake up feeling anxious, ashamed, disappointed, disgusting, or less than.
Those are hard days after all... shouldn't I be the most loving to me on those days? Wouldn't I offer full-throated support to a friend who came to me when they were feeling like crap? Of course I would. Of course YOU would. And so that's what we want to do for ourselves too.
On days where you start off feeling badly about you or your actions, consider grabbing a validating or supportive statement early on.
Aw man. It stinks to feel like this.
This feels like a tough day, let's take it slow.
Things feel rocky, what can we take off of the plate today?
It's normal to have days like this, it doesn't mean anything about you.
Everyone feels ______ sometimes, this won't be forever.
Quick self-compassion practice
Think about a recent moment where your inner bully was going to town. Maybe it was even today. Bring the situation to mind and reflect on how you could change up the way you spoke to yourself at that moment.
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---> What would have felt caring to hear?
---> What would you have said to a friend?
---> What kind thing can you be ready to say to yourself next time?
Self-compassion is an ongoing effort.
If this is new for you, it will take some time for a supportive & caring approach to feel less awkward. Start at whatever place you can.
Your first step could be to remind yourself that the critical and judgmental self-talk is not helping you. Just catching and interrupting that old pattern is a compassionate act.
If you want to learn more, I recommend work by Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on the benefits of using self-compassion and strategies for doing so. Her TED Talk is a helpful place to start: The Space Between Self-Esteem and Self Compassion . Dr. Neff also has a book and a website with free exercises to grow your practice.
Explore more mental health & wellbeing content from Heather McKenzie at https://www.mckenziecounseling.org/blog
If you experience high anxiety or intense emotions and want to learn new ways to manage, check out my 8-week online course ?to see if it's a fit for your needs.
Cover image photo credit: Austin Chan ?from Unsplash