Start a Conversation With Anyone

Credits

I became interested in the skill of social conversation after reading the book "Conversationally Speaking" by Alan Garner.?A great book.

But the following article is uniquely mine and comes from my own thoughts and experience.

This article also contains considerations for Covid and how to communicate when you and the person you want to start a conversation with are wearing face masks.

Let’s begin by talking about how to start a regular normal conversation with anyone.

The Goal

The goal of this article is NOT to make you into a great conversationalist.?Not immediately.?Too much pressure.

The goal of this article is to change you a little bit on the inside.?And maybe that will change how you interact with the world outside you.

The emphasis of this article will be on you learning HOW.?The WHEN is up to you.???

Introduction

This is a practical actionable guide for how to start a conversation with anyone.?And I mean ANYONE.

Making small talk is a great skill to have.?It will help you be comfortable and confident in different situations:

- Job interviewing

- Networking

- Mingling at a social event

- Just trying to be sociable

- Making someone else feel comfortable

You may FEEL you are shy and introverted.?You may FEEL you can’t talk to total strangers.?But you can learn HOW.?And just having this knowledge will make you feel more comfortable and confident, even if you don’t use the techniques.?But once you know the techniques, you’ll want to try them.?You’ll want to use them regularly.?You won’t be able to stop yourself??????.

The Secret to Starting a Conversation?

Awareness. Not being a great talker. Not being outgoing. Not courage. Not being an extrovert. Not having a thick skin. Awareness. As you will see.

Starters

I was recently in San Francisco visiting a friend.?We decided to walk to a nearby Starbucks to grab some coffee.?I told him about this article I was writing.?I said I’ll demonstrate it.?I’ll pretend he’s a stranger.?In the time it took us to walk one city block, I came up with 15 starter questions.?And the more I thought of, the more that popped into my head.

Non-Verbal Starters

What do you say to a stranger?

First off, everyone worries about what they should say.?Don’t worry about what to say.?Focus on what the other person is “saying” to you.?Even if they aren’t really verbally saying anything.

Even if people aren’t speaking, they are ALWAYS “telling” you something about themselves--?in what and how they dress, what they are doing, where you both physically are located, what they are focused on, even in the names they use for themselves.?I call all of these Non-Verbal Starters.?They are saying things to you without actually verbally speaking.

Examples:

“I heard someone mention your name.?I’ve always been interested in the origin of people’s names.?Your first name is very unique.?Would you mind my asking how you got your first name?”?(This is also good way for helping you remember their name.)

“Your eyeglasses look great.?Can I ask you where you got them?”?(also haircut or hair style, shoes, shirt, jewelry, watch, etc.)

“I heard you speaking to someone.?You have a delightful accent.?May I ask you how you acquired your accent or where you are from?”

A real example from me:

I was being interviewed by a software engineer who was yawning quite a lot and looked tired.

I smiled and said "Did you have a rough night sleeping last night?"

He said, "I had to stay up until 4 am testing a new function."

I said, "And then come in and interview me??Wow.?Thank you.?Does your boss and your team know that you're putting in this extra effort?"

He said no.

I smiled and said "You should send out something in email so you get credit and recognition.?You deserve it."

He said he would do it.

I wasn't trying to be deliberately manipulative.?I just felt bad for him.?But I realized afterward that this might bring me some positive things--?a good interview decision, a good fit ranking, maybe a new friend??? ?.

Verbal Starters

What happens if you are standing or sitting next to a stranger and out-of-the-blue they say something to you--??a passing comment or observation or simple question??They’ve just given you a gold mine of things to talk about.?These are Verbal Starters.

Example:

At a bus stop:

Them:?“Did I miss the bus?”

You:?“No, the next one should be here in a few minutes.?You should get the bus app.?It’s very useful.”

Them:?“I don’t normally ride the bus.?My car is in the shop.”

You:?“I’m looking for a good mechanic.?Can you recommend yours?”

Them:?“She’s great.?Her shop’s called Precision Motors.”

You:?“A woman mechanic!?That’s great!?I’ve never heard of or met a woman mechanic before.?I like supporting women-owned businesses as much as possible.”

Verbal Starters are fun especially if the other person says something unusual or unexpected or what they say allows you to come up with something related or personal that you can mention of your own.

Missing-Info Starters

If a stranger speaks to you, they will probably say something short because they don’t know you.?There are probably many things that are MISSING in what they say to you.?When this happens, think about:

1. what they haven’t said

Or

2. why they said it

Or

3. something related from your own experience that the other person doesn’t know yet that might be interesting to them

and then reply.??These are Missing-Info Starters.

Example:

Them:?“I wish I was still on vacation.”

You:?“Where did you go?”

Example:

Them:??“This rain will be good for my garden.”

You:??“Are you an avid gardener?”

Example:

Them:??“I’m so busy today.”

You:??“Anything special happening?”

Or

You:??“Are you always this busy?”

Or

You:??“You seem very calm and in control.?What’s your secret?”

Shared-Experience Starters

Example:

Remarks about the weather.??A classic topic.

Example:

What do you do for a living???Another classic topic.

Example:

“Did you hear in the news last night about <non-controversial topic>?”

Example:

As an interview candidate between interview sessions:?“Your office building seems to be undergoing a lot of construction.?What’s happening?”

Compliment Starters

Say something nice about something the other person has done.

Example:

To a classmate you don’t know:?“You take so many notes for this class.?I am impressed.?I get so overwhelmed with the instructor’s presentations.”

Advice Starters

Asking for advice can be combined with a compliment.

Example, expanded from above:

To a classmate you don’t know:?“You take so many notes for this class.?I am impressed.?I get so overwhelmed with the instructor’s presentations.?Do you have any advice for me?”

Hearsay Starters

Using something you heard from someone else to use to start a conversation with the current person in front of you who should know something about this hearsay subject.

A real example from me:

To an Engineering VP during my interview:?“I like the mindset here of encouraging new things and not punishing failure.?Who came up with this idea??It’s great!”

Self-Revealing Starters

You may get so good at focusing on other people that you forget about using yourself as a topic to start a conversation.?Mention something about yourself to start a conversation.?But only to start the conversation, not to be the focus of it.?These are Self-Revealing Starters.

Example:

At a wedding reception:?“The groom and I are close friends.?Who do you know here?”

Example:

In a long movie ticket line:??“I walk past this theater every day and see long lines like this.?So I just had to see this film.?What have you heard about it?”

Self-Revealing in General

You need to share if you want a satisfying conversation.

As the conversation goes along, if you want to deepen the interchange and make a stronger connection with someone, share something about yourself related to something they’ve said.?Reveal something about yourself.?But don’t take the focus totally away from them.??Stay within the conversation.?Keep it balanced.

Important:

1. Share to the level/depth/range that the other person is sharing.?If you go too deep too quick, it may scare them.?If you pour too much water on a plant, you’ll drown it.

2. Share only what you feel comfortable sharing.

Tips

In general, pick a topic that will fit the time the circumstances will allow you.?The beginning of the interview (and maybe middle) allows you more time.?The end of the interview, none.?Similar to a cocktail party versus standing in a short fast checkout line at the supermarket.

In an interview situation you may be tempted to make your social conversation explicitly boost your impressiveness as a job candidate--?skills and accomplishments.?I would recommend not doing this.?Social conversation should be used to show you are a real person.?Wait for real interview questions to highlight your job skills and accomplishments.

Awareness Skills

An important concept here is expanding your awareness of things external to you, things around you, people around you.?This skill will help you in ways far beyond making conversation.?You will see the world in a different way.

And if you are shy or introverted, your internal mental activity provides you the skill of instantaneous awareness, focus, and concentration needed for being a great conversationalist.

How to Practice

How to exercise thinking of a question to ask a stranger?

Start by watching TV and for every person you see on the screen, think of a situationally-appropriate and socially-appropriate question to ask them.

Then in your typical day when you see people on the street or in a store or meet customers at work, practice coming up with questions to ask them.?But don’t ask those questions yet.?Just mentally practice coming up with questions.?Come up with 3 to 5 questions.?Be able to do this within seconds.?Then take a second to decide which question is best to ask under the circumstances.?Eventually you will be able to do this processing automatically within split-seconds.?Then you’ll want to try asking your question.?Yes, you will actually start wanting to talk to total strangers.

How to End a Conversation

You may get so good with starting conversations that you will get the opposite problem--?how to end a conversation.?Easy.?Be polite and honest:

You are talking with the interviewer:?“It’s been great talking with you but I’d like to focus on the job I’m applying for.”

You are at a party:?“It’s been great talking with you.?But I see someone I wanted to chat with.?It’s been a pleasure to meet you.”

You are sitting next to someone on an airplane:?“This has been a pleasure talking with you.?But I want to take a break and <go to the bathroom | stretch my legs | listen to some music | read | etc.>”

Before leaving them, make sure to get their name again.?And memorize it.?Mentally tie the name to what you had talked about.??They won’t forget you (because you were a great conversationalist???? ).?You should make an effort to do the same and remember their name.

Advanced Non-Verbal Communication

I am not a non-verbal communication expert.?But I think as you start noticing things about the other person, you will notice more non-verbal clues:??their posture (do they sit up or stand straighter when you approach them), whether their skin is pale or flushed or bluish or red, voice quality, are they blushing, facial expressions, fidgeting with their hands, tapping feet, pupil dilation, breathing rate, avoiding eye contact, trying to engage you in eye contact, neck muscle tension, yawning, arms crossed, smiling with their whole face or just their mouth, etc.?These clues may or may not be important. ?You’ll start noticing patterns.

Approaching Someone

If you happen to be standing next to someone in a line or you’re facing someone in an interview or sitting next to someone on an airplane or in a classroom, just plain luck has brought you in range of someone you can talk to.

But what if you’re at a party or a reception or a meet-up or a convention or a conference or a wedding reception, how do you get near someone to talk to them??Most advice I’ve read says you should stand near the bar or the restroom!????That’s crazy.?And a little creepy, too???? ?? ?? .

Don’t allow luck to govern whether you talk with anyone or not.?Or who to talk to.?Don’t be tied to one location in the room.

Walk around.?Mingle!

If you’re at a wedding reception with pre-assigned seating and the dinner and ceremonies are finished, don’t let the pre-assigned seating prevent you from getting up and mingling around.

You should physically walk over and approach a person you want to talk to.

Here are the steps:

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1. You look around the room and find someone you want to talk with.?Pick someone who is not in a loud or busy location.?Pick someone who is not talking on their smartphone.

2. You walk over to them, smile (using your eyes and whole face if you are wearing a face mask), and make eye contact with them.

3. If they don’t give you eye contact (maybe they are preoccupied with their thoughts and/or distracted by the environment), say “Excuse me” to get their attention.

4. Then introduce yourself.?Shake hands if appropriate:

“Hi, my name is <your_name> and I’m a guest at this event like everyone else here.?I’m walking around introducing myself.?May I ask who you are?”

5. If they ignore you or scowl at you, just say “Oops, sorry”, and move on.?Some people are clueless.?They are at a social event and not being social!?Don’t spend time more time on them.

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Approaching a Group

The ultimate test??? .

Mark, this is insane!?I can’t talk to one stranger and you want me to approach a group of them??They are engaged in a lively discussion amongst themselves, laughing, joking.?There’s no way I can break into their group.?Or can I?

YES, you can! ?Here are the steps:

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1. You look around the room and find a group you want to join. Pick a group that is not in a loud or busy location.

2. You walk over to it, smile (using your eyes and whole face if you are wearing a face mask), and make eye contact with at least one person next to you in the group or whomever first gives you eye contact in the group.

3. If no one gives you eye contact, say “Excuse me” to the people next to you in the group to get their attention and anyone else’s attention in the group.

4. Then introduce yourself to that person or those people while you look at them and continue scanning the rest of the group looking for more eye contact.?In a voice loud enough to reach everyone in the group.?Shake hands if appropriate:

“Hi, my name is <your_name> and I’m a guest at this event like everyone else here.?I’m walking around introducing myself.?May I ask who you are?”

5. If they ignore you or scowl at you, just say “Oops, sorry”, and move on.?Some people are clueless.?They are at a social event and not being social!?Don’t spend more time on them.

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Do these steps sound familiar????

You basically do the same steps whether you want to approach one person or a group.?You are basically treating a group as if it were one person.

Beyond Social Interactions

You will use your new awareness skills in business, at your workplace, with your family and friends, with sales people and trades people, teachers, students, with everyone.?You’ll even do it with people you see in movies and on TV.?Even people you can’t see like in books and articles.?On a cell phone call or text.?And in social media.?Everyone.

Covid

The decision whether to start a conversation or not with someone is still up to you.?It has always been your decision.

Covid gives you a valid reason not to start conversations with anyone.

But that should not stop you from practicing coming up with starter questions and comments in your own mind.

The goal of this article is to change you on the inside.?And maybe that will change how you interact with the world outside you.

Face Masks

How does Covid and face masks change all of the above advice?

They don’t.?Or at least not much.

The most important thing is if you’re wearing a face mask, don’t smile with just your mouth.?Use your whole face.?And especially with your eyes.?Crinkle your eyes at the corners.?Practice in front of a mirror.

Then try expressing a range of emotions with your whole face and eyes.?Use a mirror.?Wear a face mask and practice with friends and family.?Have them guess what emotion and facial expression you are showing:

- Smile

- Frown

- Happiness

- Excitement

- Sadness

- Disappointment

- Concern

- Attention

- Thinking

- Confidence

- Disagreement

- Sympathy

- Regret

- Doubt

- Calm

- Pride

?A Word of Encouragement

You are shy and don’t know what to say to start a conversation with anyone.?But being and doing are two different things.?You can do more than you think.?And in doing so, you will become more than you are.

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