Staring Into an Abyss of Burnout? Here Are Some Nuggets of Wisdom I Really Want You To Know

Out of respect for a senior director who was like a mentor to me, I reluctantly walked into a company's doctor’s office to discuss my mental health. "A quick meeting," so I thought. My mind was already set on the next thing on my to-do list. Little did I know that the next thing on my to-do list would be sent home and report myself sick to work. That was the start of my month-long journey towards burnout recovery.

Denial is the first stage.

I asked myself before I went to bed, "Is this for real?" The answer was self-explained. I hardly got myself out of bed for the following two weeks.

Burnout was like a tale to me. Until 2016, I only knew of two ex-colleagues who had experienced it. This topic was like the elephant in the room that no one wanted to address. The ones who experienced it were unlikely to share their stories in detail, possibly due to the fear of judgment and the stigma and shame surrounding mental health. Some just silently disappeared from the work floor.

Feeling deeply and passionately about changing the way we achieve success, I will take the role of an (ex-)colleague who addresses the elephant in the room – burnout. ?

So, for those going through the recovery process, I am talking directly to you. My intention is for this article to be a seed-planting piece rather than a deep-diving one. I want to share some nuggets of wisdom that could help you navigate this murky phase and feel less alone through it.?

Here is what I really want you to know

1. You need to accept that the recovery process is not about you returning to your normal state. Your normal state was NOT NORMAL and is not working.

While some personality traits and tendencies may have contributed to your success up to this point, they are undoubtedly a double-edged sword you cannot rely on.

Take this from a recovering perfectionist - Don't believe the lie you tell yourself that you need to be perfect, to judge and hold yourself to an unattainable standard to be just good enough. Do not buy into the notion that you have to always be in control and make no mistake to be successful, happy or at peace. There is a better way to approach and sustain success and joyful life that does not include squeezing or trading your soul for what you want your life to be.

2. You are in for one hell of an emotional rollercoaster!

At every consultation, I kept asking my doctor, "When will this be over?" I was treating it as an illness that a magic pill could fix. For a planner like me, the unknown of what I could expect and when the process would end gave me an uneasy feeling. And if you can recognise this tendency in yourself, here is what came close to explaining the burnout recovery process, Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's the Five Stages of Grief. The model was developed to help people with terminal illnesses come to terms with their own death but was quickly adapted to explain change and other types of loss, such as relationship and job losses. For people whose identity revolves around their careers, burnout may feel like a loss of identity. As with grief, the five stages of burnout are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are non-linear. You may feel like you are taking two steps forward and then one step back dancing while working through your recovery.

I hope that knowing what to expect from the recovery journey may give you some peace or a sense of control and help you become better equipped in your recovery journey. Learn more about the Five Stages of Grief here.

You will feel a wide range of emotions. It is important that you process them instead of suppressing them. You are allowed to feel all your feelings without judgement. While the truthfulness of the underlining beliefs influencing your emotions can be questioned, your emotions are always valid. They are a signpost to your needs and values. Feel them, allow them to flow through, but do not dwell. Take note of your thoughts, especially those that are not supportive. The awareness of your thoughts is the key to a different perspective.

A special message to those whose burnout is linked to workplace bullying: Moving forward from the denial to the acceptance phase does not mean condoning mistreatment or bullying. I know it may feel like an injustice, and it is hurtful. Honour your feelings, but shift your focus to your recovery anyway.

Eventually, you will start to gain perspective and recognise your power to turn the corner when you are out of survival mode.

?"Forgiveness is primarily for our own sake, so that we no longer carry the burden of resentment. But to forgive does not mean we will allow injustice again." – Jack Kornfield

3. You cannot rush the process.

While everyone experiences burnout differently, one fact remains: You cannot rush the healing process. You are dealing with cumulative effects of prolonged physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. Your body keeps the score from all the late-night, inflammable fanning food you gasped down —?maybe in front of your computer during lunch break, the stress you have carried, and the sleep debt you can no longer repay with annual leave. Your mental capacity was so exhausted, and it went nuclear on you. As a result, you can no longer focus and are easily overwhelmed. Your inner critics are at their top game and can no longer be contained. You feel as if it was you against the world, and you do not even know when it all started.

Listen. You need to work on the patterns of behaviours, thoughts, and coping mechanisms that brought you to this point. There is no magic pill for this.

It is an inside job. A doctor, a therapist, a counsellor or a coach can help you through the recovery process in different capacities, but the main person who will need to push the oar is YOU.

Please, take it as a journey of coming home to yourself. Your body and mind need to heal. Your emotions need to be processed, and inner work takes time.

?"You heal at the speed of safety" – Linda Thai

It is important to note that comparing your journey or recovery speed to others' is one of the most unsupportive things you can do. Each burnout is different. Thus, comparing your journey and rushing your recovery is not a sensible approach. Trust me on this, drop self-judgment. See it as a pattern of doom and break it.

4. You will need more than a health professional. Find your supportive crews.

In addition to health professionals, I suggest that you find good support groups, trusted people (friends and work besties) or a coach to share your story or walk with you through the journey. That is when you can really use as much support as you can get.

The thought that you are a burden to your loved ones and your team may stop you from reaching out. Consequently, you may find yourself feeling misunderstood, lonely and isolated. In that case, I suggest you choose to have compassion for yourself and others. Not everyone understands burnout because it is a distant topic to them, or they do not know how to start the conversation with you about your current state.

?"We don't have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to." ―?Brené Brown,?Rising Strong: The Reckoning. The Rumble. The Revolution.?

I was fortunate enough to recognise the need for support instead of applying my autopiloting response – relentless grit. Find your supportive crews. There is no reason or award for toughing it out and doing it alone. Knowing when to ask for help is a strength, not a weakness.

5. You can expect energy level fluctuations, and you need to be discerning about your activities and environment.

When you experience burnout, you need to get yourself out of the exhaustion zone. This means you need to be discerning about your activities and environment.

I urge you to use your recovery period wisely. By that, I mean doing something that protects and replenishes your energy emotionally, physically, and mentally. In other words, you need to rigorously cut down stimuli, non-essential activities and exposure to an environment that numbs or drains you.

For instance, during my recovery process, I was introduced to the concept of personal energy management. The awareness from the simple exercise of energy-tracking helped me understand myself, recognise my boundaries, and focus on realigning my life and career to match my personal values.

Even though my world had become smaller during the recovery process, it had also become richer. Through difficult times, I learnt who genuinely cared and reached out to support me in a meaningful way. Do not be scared or too heartbroken by unreciprocated personal and business relationships. This is a golden opportunity to tidy up and reorganise your relationships.

Not all coffee buddies are the same. This awareness will save you.

Pay close attention to energy exchange. It is NOT about being judgemental. It is a reminder to watch your energy sum. You can like someone, even though they tend to drain your energy. So, make a sound decision to support your well-being and surround yourself with people who support your recovery journey.

Expect your energy to fluctuate. There will be up and down days and ups and downs during a single day. Go with the flow without judgment. Don't overcommit yourself when your energy is high, and when you experience low energy, compassion and gratitude will be your best friends.?

6. You may feel shame.

There is a lot of stigma and shame attached to mental health. Thus, you may feel fearful of judgment from others. You may even secretly conclude that you are the weakest link and were not cut out for this job because you cracked under pressure while everyone else seems to have cracked the code. You may be so convinced that everyone sees it too.

But listen. People have different conditions that make things work for them. And just because someone does not talk about their struggles does not automatically mean everything is fine and dandy. The reason that you are at the breaking point is that you have been carrying too much for too long under the circumstances you are in. What if it is not you who needs to do better but society itself?

Instead of glorifying grit and toughness, we should normalise mental health discussions and promote an inclusive environment where everyone can thrive through different phases of life.

"What we don't need in the midst of struggle is shame for being HUMAN." ― Brené Brown

Instead of beating yourself up with shame, may I suggest an antidote? Self-compassion.

"Instead of mercilessly judging and criticising yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?" ―Dr. Kristin Neff

If self-compassion sounds like a fluffy word that you have never paid much attention to, this may be a call for you to practise it. Here is an excellent resource to learn more about it.

Self-compassion does not equal self-pity or slack. Instead, it is a must-have tool for improving your resilience to reach a major goal. Shower yourself with self-compassion. Submerse yourself in it. Why else?

7. You need to reconnect with yourself by regaining a sense of control and of self.

My journey was about coming home to myself. That means I had to stop carrying on in autopilot mode at a maniac speed and tune in to what I needed then and who I am. I must admit I was pretty lost at the time.

Being forced to stop by my well-being while having my identity revolve around my career shoved me into uncharted territory. That road was not on my GPS map. How did I get here? Where was I? Who was I?

My achiever friends, if you ask yourself these questions, this will be your new mantra, “It is safe for me to slow down and pause.” You will need a new map or to forge a new path. But first, let me help you drop a pin on your map before moving forward.

As I mentioned, I want this article to plant the seed for your new perspective rather than being a deep-diving piece. However, reconnecting with yourself is at the epicentre of burnout recovery. So, I decided to create a (free) mini-course, "Be Right Back”, dedicated to this very important topic. I hope to be able to share the detail with you in the upcoming months. Follow me on LinkedIn and be informed when it becomes available. For now, I want to bring your attention to why reconnecting with yourself by regaining a sense of control and of self is crucial for your recovery, and I will list some actions you can take to do so.

Regain a sense of control

Losing your sense of control elevates your stress level. Without attentively regulating your nervous system, you would constantly live on high alert, drowning in adrenaline and cortisol. Before you realise it, you would be in a metaphorical pressure cooker with a perfect recipe for burnout.

The funny thing about being in control in this instance is not about getting a full grip of the situation but about feeling comfortable enough within yourself to navigate the change.

To regain a sense of control, you first need to slow down to allow space and bring yourself back to safety mentally, physically and emotionally.

Here are some ideas for how to tackle this.

? Heal your nervous system by destressing or regulating your nervous system, e.g., breathing exercises, reconnecting with nature, self-soothing, mindfulness – being in the here and now, exercising, etc.

? (Radically) Decrease your stimuli, e.g., cutting down screen time, using noise cancellation, decluttering, or cancelling stress-induced plans.

? Have a healthy routine that makes your day more predictable.

Regain your sense of self

Losing your sense of self makes you feel lost as you live a life that no longer aligns with your personal values, aka your guiding principle, aka your inner GPS. It can mean an identity crisis or a significant puncture on your self-worth that poorly affects your career, your personal life, your relationships with yourself and others, your finances… Need to go on?

To regain your sense of self, you need to develop self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-compassion, and get comfortable with being your own best friend. This is a lifelong lesson as we constantly face changes in our life. Honouring your wiring and understanding your needs, values, and drive help define who you are. From there, you can reorientate yourself accordingly.

Here are some ideas for how to tackle this:

? Do something joyful.

? Take personality, strength and tendency tests.

? Take stock of your achievements. Your confidence level may dip. This will help remind you that you are capable, worthy and enough.

? Journal.

Journaling can be a really therapeutic activity. It immensely helps me unload my thoughts, create space between myself and my thoughts, and recognise patterns.

? Self-care.

Now, you want to eat healthily, sleep sufficiently, move regularly, drink adequately and keep up with self-hygiene. In addition to these basic needs, you will want to show yourself some love by bringing your attention inwards to the needs of your body, mind, soul, or even spirit. Self-care does not always mean extra effort or spa-day pamper. Deciding to do nothing for a day, rest, or cancel social engagements can be an act of self-care. Self-care is a measure to validate that you, too, matter.

I was once guilty of spending too much time strategising the best activity to do. The truth is, you just do not know it until you practise it. What works may depend on what your need is at the time, and it can be different every day. Turn inwards with your hand on your heart. What do you need right now to improve your health and well-being?

If you really need one action that combines both aspects, try yoga. It is not about getting into a perfect posture but about meeting yourself where you are. It combines breathing practice and gentle movements that will calm your nervous system and establish a trusting connection between your body and mind as you learn to honour your own pace.

8. Tough love moment: You need to take responsibility for how you are complicit in your burnout.

Firstly, I want to emphasise that taking responsibility is not the same as shaming or blaming yourself. It is about objectively looking back at the situation and noticing patterns or your contribution to burnout. While at it, forgive and remind yourself that you are just a human living a human experience.

In my case, it was a perfect storm of becoming a mom and navigating between my mom life, identity crisis, a toxic work environment influenced by a poorly matched manager, a lack of boundaries enforcement, the death of a close family member, and recovery from a major operation. It was not just a single cause. It usually isn't. So, what is the combination of your perfect storm? What did you bring into the making of it?

You do not need to justify what brought you to this trying time to anyone. People can have their own opinion about your experience. The good news is that none of these opinions matter. What is most important is the story you tell yourself. So, you'd better get your story straight. Have an honest assessment of the situation, and learn from it.

Choose whether to share the insight or not. It is your call. Not everyone deserves your story.?

9. You may not see it now, but burnout may be the best thing that happened to you.

It is the last call and a harsh reminder that you cannot live your life like this. Your body has been warning you through foggy eyesight, headaches, heated arms, involuntarily moving fingers, and warning signs that you had not taken seriously. The warning signs have become 'normal' to you, and you were numbed to them. Your mental capacity became limited, simple tasks started taking longer, and your thoughts became scattered, but you managed to push through to the finish line, maybe even with great results (as always). That was why it went on without anyone noticing until it became undeniable. Your emotional state was fragile, you were on edge or even cried in the work restrooms, but you pushed through. You told yourself that it was just a bad meeting, a bad day, a bad week… That is not to say that you are strong and to encourage it but to tell you, to confront you with how you have exhausted your survival mode and abandoned yourself for far too long.

Burnout is not a rite of passage to success.

Burnout swiped you back to reality because, let's face it, it is just not the way to live your life. So, take the opportunity to recalibrate your life by reconnecting with yourself. Through that, you will learn to pivot and find the way forward. Take this opportunity to stripe off all the SHOULDs. Instead, ask what you want for your life. How do you want to feel? What do you value most in your life? And if you have a kid, how do you want to teach them about pursuing success – knowing that kids learn from what you model to them, not what you tell them to do. Let that sink in.

10. You deserve meaningful support beyond flowers and a get-well-soon card. Know your rights.

A flower bouquet and a lovely card during your medical leave are nice, but they do not guarantee a smooth return to work or translate into the practical or even lawful support you deserve.

Sometimes, the situation can get even stickier. I learnt that even though you trust that people have the genuine intention to help you navigate this muddy phase, not everyone will be well-equipped to do so, or they may be bounded by a conflict of interests. Therefore, you need to know your rights and not solely rely on others.

Here are some basic questions you can ask to kickstart your research: What is your company's procedure for dealing with work-related burnout and returnship? How do labour laws protect you? Do you have a trusted body within your organisation to discuss your case with?

Assess your situation objectively and get honest about whether or not you need legal assistance.

In the grand scheme of life, this may be the episode where some radical lessons need to be learnt before taking a turn for better things.

I am rooting for your recovery, wisdom, and value-aligned life.

* * * * * * * * * * *

In the pipeline, I am creating a (FREE) mini-online course - Be Right Back: Beat Burnout by reconnecting with yourself. I hope to be able to share the detail with you in the upcoming months.

Because real changes happen when we take action, Be Right Back will be about curated, gentle actions that actually bring results rather than focusing on more information to flock your mental bandwidth. Follow me on LinkedIn and be informed when it becomes available.

Further reading:

My article discusses three concepts I wish I had practised to prevent burnout.

Here is the article I mentioned about rekindling my relationship with mediation during my recovery journey.

I share how we can reap joyfulness wholeheartedly in this article.