Stand Up for Yourself: The Power of Making Clear Requests

Recently I had a coaching session around this topic and the person was beating herself up for not being direct, opting instead to soften her request by giggling and poking fun. She left the interaction feeling disappointed in herself and that she diminished her self-esteem. She recognized it was time to change her approach. This got me thinking about the many opportunities we get to take a stand for ourselves and the various ways we side-step the conversation.

In our daily interactions, whether at work, home or within our social circles, it's common to encounter situations where our needs or desires clash with those of others. How we handle these moments can significantly impact our well-being and relationships. Two common but unhelpful strategies people often fall into are passive-aggressiveness and people-pleasing. Neither approach leads to genuine satisfaction or healthy communication. Instead, making clear and direct requests is a far more effective and respectful way to stand up for yourself.

The Downside of Passive-Aggressiveness

Passive aggressiveness can seem like an easy way out. It allows us to express dissatisfaction without the discomfort of direct confrontation. However, this approach often leads to confusion, frustration, and resentment. When we drop hints or make sarcastic remarks instead of stating our needs directly, we leave others guessing. Misunderstandings become inevitable, and unresolved issues pile up, creating a toxic atmosphere.

For example, if a coworker consistently interrupts you during meetings, responding with a snide comment like, “I guess some people just love hearing themselves talk,” may express your irritation, but it does nothing to solve the problem. The coworker might not even realize you’re upset with them specifically. This indirect approach rarely leads to positive change and can damage relationships over time.

The Trap of People-Pleasing

On the other end of the spectrum is people-pleasing, where we prioritize others' needs over our own to avoid conflict and gain approval. While this may create short-term harmony, it often leads to long-term dissatisfaction and burnout. Consistently suppressing your own needs can erode your sense of self-worth and lead to resentment towards those you are trying to please.

Imagine always agreeing to work late because you don’t want to disappoint your boss, even though it cuts into your personal time. Over time, you may feel overworked and undervalued, fostering bitterness towards your employer and colleagues. Your productivity and mental health might suffer, undermining the very approval you sought to maintain.

The Strength of Clear Requests

Making clear requests involves communicating your needs and desires directly and respectfully. This approach fosters transparency and mutual respect, paving the way for healthier and more effective interactions.

1. Be Specific and Direct: Clearly articulate what you need. Instead of saying, “It would be nice if someone helped with this project,” try, “Could you assist me with this project by taking on the research portion?”
2. Use “I” Statements: Frame your requests from your perspective to avoid sounding accusatory. For instance, “I feel overwhelmed with my current workload and would appreciate it if you could handle the presentation on Friday.”
3. Explain the Why: Providing context helps others understand the importance of your request. “I need quiet during my study time because I’m preparing for a crucial exam that will impact my career.”
4. Be Open to Dialogue: After making your request, be open to discussing it. The other person may have constraints or suggestions that can lead to a mutually beneficial solution.
5. Practice your request: You can practice what you want to say in the mirror or with a friend until you feel neutral and calm. It is possible to say anything to anyone, it’s how you say it. By practicing you can work through your feelings of upset before you communicate your request. This approach respects both your needs and those of others and encourages honest and open communication.

Benefits of Clear Requests

• Improved Relationships: Clarity in communication reduces misunderstandings and fosters trust.
• Increased Self-Esteem: Standing up for yourself reinforces your sense of self-worth.
• Reduced Stress: Direct communication alleviates the anxiety associated with unexpressed needs.
• Better Problem-Solving: Clear requests facilitate effective and collaborative solutions.

Next time you find yourself leaning towards passive-aggressiveness or people-pleasing, take a step back and opt for clear, direct communication. It’s a powerful way to stand up for yourself and build a healthier, more satisfying life.