Stability v Romance: Who Thrives in Legacy Marriages?

In a world where love is often considered the bedrock of marriage, the concept of a legacy marriage—where partners stay together primarily to preserve their family (and their marital assets!) both as a legacy to pass on to their children and as the basis for maintaining their own lifestyle and social status —seems out of place. Yet some would argue that the only difference between a legacy marriage and many existing long-term marriages is that in a legacy marriage you’re being honest about your relationship while in most typical marriages you’re pretending that the relationship is something that it’s not.

In both cases, the actual relationship between spouses is often the same.

Yet, while a “legacy marriage” may seem like a wonderful way for a couple to authentically create a relationship that preserves their family while also meeting their own personal needs, it’s not for everyone.

Here's a list of those who might find success with a legacy marriage and those who might struggle with it.

Who a Legacy Marriage Works For

1. Financially Savvy Couples

For couples who have amassed significant wealth, engaging in a legacy marriage can be a wise strategic decision. Divorce is expensive. What’s more, it will likely halve what each partner has worked hard to accumulate. If a couple jointly owns a business (think Jeff and MacKenzie Bezos or Bill and Melinda Gates) getting a divorce can either destabilize the business or dilute the family’s ability to maintain control of it post divorce.

By staying together, a couple can maintain both their financial and business stability. They can ensure that their assets are preserved for their children.

In order for a legacy marriage to work, however, both spouses must have a clear understanding of their finances. They also need to share financial goals and be able to set aside their personal differences for the greater good of their family's financial future.

1. Those Prioritizing Children’s Well-being

Couples who are deeply committed to providing a stable environment for their children might also find a legacy marriage appealing. This applies regardless of whether their children are minors or adults. (Even adult children can be deeply affected by their parents’ divorce.)

By staying together, parents avoid disrupting their family structure. They avoid the conflict and emotional turmoil that often go hand-in-hand with divorce.

This can work particularly well for families with special needs children, whose responsibilities as parents will likely extend long after their children are legally adults.

1. People Who Care About Their Social Status

While divorce is much more universally accepted than it was in the past, there is still a stigma attached to it. It’s frowned upon by certain ethnic groups, religions, and social communities. What’s more, getting a divorce, and the loss of wealth it generally causes, can force people to lower their lifestyle. That, in turn, can change their social status and social groups.

While staying married for the money or the lifestyle it provides you with isn’t a popular idea at the moment, people have stayed married for exactly that reason for millennia.

If both spouses care about their reputations and their lifestyles, then maintaining a legacy marriage provides them with a good option. It can allow them to preserve their societal image and avoid the potential gossip and judgment that might follow a separation.

1. Couples with Strong Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills

In order to create a legacy marriage, a couple has to be able to talk with each other. They need to have good communication skills and the ability to resolve conflicts amicably. They also have to be courageous enough to be honest with each other.

A legacy marriage that’s steeped in secrecy and subterfuge isn’t likely to last.

If a couple can discuss their issues openly, set strong boundaries, and find common ground, then they have what it takes to navigate the challenges of a legacy marriage more effectively.

Who a Legacy Marriage Doesn’t Work For

1. Spouses Seeking Emotional Fulfillment in Their Marriage

A legacy marriage, by definition, isn’t one grounded in love. There may be affection. There should be mutual respect and understanding. But romantic love and physical intimacy are not part of a legacy marriage.

In today’s world, being in a marriage that admittedly isn’t romantically based can be a challenge.

For those who believe that emotional and romantic fulfillment in a marriage is fundamental to their happiness, a legacy marriage isn’t going to work. Living in a marriage devoid of love will leave them feeling, lonely, resentful, and unfulfilled.

1. Couples with High Levels of Conflict

If a couple is argues all the time and their relationship is filled with unresolved issues, engaging in a legacy marriage can a disaster.

Legacy marriages require a level of trust and respect that are typically missing in a high conflict relationship. They also require a level of emotional maturity that those who are locked in constant battle usually can’t muster … at least with respect to each other.

What’s more the constant tension and hostility that exists in a high conflict relationship often creates a toxic environment. The emotional and mental strain of staying in that kind of relationship will likely outweigh any potential financial or social benefits that a legacy marriage could bring.

1. Partners with Differing Long-term Goals

A legacy marriage requires both partners to be on the same page regarding their long-term objectives. They don’t work well when spouses have different goals. (They especially don’t work well when one spouse wants a traditional marriage and the other doesn’t!)

In order for a legacy marriage to work, BOTH parties have to be on board with it.

1. Couples Where Either One Has Poor Communication Skills

Effective communication is the cornerstone of a legacy marriage. If one person struggles with (or is afraid to!) express their thoughts, feelings, and expectations clearly, ?and honestly a legacy marriage won’t work. It will only lead to misunderstandings, frustrations and (very likely) an ugly divorce.

Conclusion

Legacy marriages are not for everyone. They require a pragmatic mindset, a shared commitment to the welfare of children and financial assets, and exceptional communication and conflict resolution skills.

For some couples, a legacy marriage can provide financial and social stability. But for those couples who are looking for love in their marriage, or for those who are locked in a high conflict marriage, a legacy marriage probably won’t be a viable or healthy option.

What do YOU think? Is legacy marriage a good idea ... or not?

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