Square Peg, Round Hole

I was chatting to a good friend of mine recently who was telling me about their experience of leaving their last company. They were about to start a new role in a much smaller organisation, and I was watching how they were talking about it. As is often the case, there was an energy, excitement and nervousness about the unknown for the company they were about to join and a disappointment, weariness and frustration for the one they were about to leave.

Why does this happen ?

I know it’s a well worn fact that people mostly leave companies because of their managers, rather than necessarily the company itself. This certainly seemed to be the case here, but I wondered if there also was more to it as I listened to him.

Here I was listening to that well trodden story. A person managed by a manager that micro-managed them intensively. No space for any kind of autonomy, even though they are managing a person who clearly has this as a core value. Some of the story he told was stepping into the territory of actually being bullied which not only trampled all over his values of respect but verged into potential need for disciplinary action.

One of the stories he told was how he was openly and actively seeking to expand his responsibilities by applying for a new role in another part of the organisation. Instead of an open and balanced conversation about this, I heard about his manager that told him that “you can’t leave a gap in my organisation to fill a gap in another” as the starting point. The conversation went into other areas too that sounded to me like a manager more concerned about their own position and status than it did about their team and the well-being of this individual. Certainly, it never got anywhere near the long term benefits for the company of an employee that is able to develop and grow.

Maybe some managers and leaders really are like this naturally. But it also brings into question why this happens. We went on to talk about some managers he has worked for in one organisation who turned out to be “someone different” (in not a good way) when he worked for them again in another company. Clearly the culture of these two companies was very different, and over time this had worked its way through into the day to day behaviours of the individuals who worked there. In the case of this manager, it had turned them from an approachable, constructive and adaptive manager into someone who was leading more through fear.

When I reflect on this conversation, it strikes me that if you are being literally changed into someone that is not you when you work for different companies then it’s time to step back and take a deeper dive into yourself. We are here to be ourselves, to bring our experiences and skills, work with others and to learn each and every day in whatever company we choose to work for. It’s OK to be ‘shaped’ a little, to enrich who we are, grow and develop more of what we can bring. But when that turns negative, and shifts you into negative behaviours, it’s time to rethink what you are doing, and maybe to leave and find the right place for you.

It starts with who you are, and your own personal “why ?” In co-active coaching, we talk about your values, life purpose and inner leader. To some, this can sound a bit too ‘coachy’ or ‘consulting-speak’. But in fact, when you really understand what these principles are tapping into, you realise just how powerful your own conscious knowledge of these for yourself can be. The power of this reflection will help you to understand what is going wrong in situations like these – and to also be able to separate out the ‘bad manager’ vs the ‘bad company’ for you.

Going back to my friend, we realised after a while there this is “something going on” at his old company which is quite pervasive and means that his manager’s behaviours are a part of a bigger pattern of culture there. That culture is one of silos and making sure you ‘look good’ in front of your boss. Maybe that suits some people, but it certainly did not suit my friend. For someone with high values of collaboration, respect, innovation and curiosity, this was a good decision to move on. It certainly looks like the new company will be a much better fit, especially when the starting point from his new boss was “we won’t be micro-managing you, we need you to be a self starter, to design and build a new team, and help us to innovate” !

If you’ve ever found yourself wondering if you are a square peg in a round hole, or even a ‘slightly not round’ shape in a round hole – then a really good place to crystallise your thinking is to take some time for yourself and to explore who you are and where you are going, and to take some alternative perspectives on what is going on around you. My friend did that through reaching out to his various connections, people he trusted, and has been coached previously on his own personal values. When the time came to decide, it was very clear as a result of the behaviours he observed around him – and the actions he has taken as a result of a clarity of mindset, I think, will lead him to greater fulfilment and allow him tap into more of his true talents in the future.

I wish him the very best !

(and for absolute clarity, this blog in no way relates to any of my own previous employers !)

Contact [email protected]