Is A Frozen Outlook Killing Your Life And Career?

Next week it's back to business as usual – but today I'm sharing an idea sparked by a Palm Sunday sermon. {Don't worry, it isn't "preachy" and it does have business applications.}

Three Christmases ago, my six-year-old niece received a 16” tall "Singing Elsa" Doll from the Disney Movie "Frozen." It was a lovely motion-sensor replica of the character and a very nice gift, but it offered up 3 issues for the adults in the family:

·     My mother had just broken her hip two days prior and had been released from the hospital to celebrate with the family. On a scale of 1-10, the stress level was a 20 and this thing was LOUD.

·     The sensor was on a hair trigger and started singing Let It Go at the oddest times, we all swore, even when no one was near it.

·     An additional issue for me was that it was given to her by my ex-husband who had been told I had already purchased an Elsa and other Frozen dolls for her, sans voices.

Having worked hard to surrender the past, I realize now that he had only heard one word of the conversation: Frozen, and he simply wanted to buy Emmie something nice. In hindsight, I understand that it was a long leap, but I had been so hurt by his leaving, that I not only saw it as his somehow wanting to ‘one-up’ me, but his being thoughtless with regard to adults who would have to endure a single line of an already overplayed song 2 billion additional times… I saw it as another in a long line of egocentric, selfish moves on his part. "Seriously? I have swallowed enough lies to sink the Titanic!" I grumbled to myself. "And this doll is actually singing, No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I'm free. Let it go, let it go!?” You couldn’t make this stuff up.

Now, taking a simple gift that far seems really extreme, but had Freud witnessed the prior 9 years unfold, I think even he would agree there were ample reasons my psyche “went there” December 25, 2014. I understood that night, however, that I had to get past this overwhelming sense of unfairness and pain because it was hurting me. Only me. I was the only one in pain— and I was also the only one who could stop it.

I'm thankful to say I did, and I use the story of a gift I know was given out of love to illustrate that – seen in the shadow of past hurt and betrayal, even the most innocent action can appear mean-spirited and threatening. When you add stress and fear – you’re bound to reach both a boiling point and the wrong conclusion.

It isn’t reserved for emotional, close personal relationships, either. It’s universal. We view situations through the lens of our past— even business situations big and small…It's only human, but left unchecked – our view of today's actual circumstances can be so blurred by our filters of the past, we cease to see things clearly.

For instance, that co-worker who innocently made a remark via email… Are you reading it with fresh eyes or viewing it as someone still angry about being ‘thrown under the bus’ by her last year? She’s totally forgotten about it and you’re blood pressure accelerates quicker than a Fast & Furious stunt any time she dares comment on a project bearing your name. I’m not saying you should trust her, or take her to lunch… But carrying a grudge is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies — it’s a bit counter-productive.

We even carry grudges against ourselves; angry that we can’t stick to our diets or workouts, get a better job or nicer house…We even hate it when we don’t measure up to our own idea of the perfect parent, spouse, or (enter profession here). Do you ever stop to think that – you would never speak to a friend the way you berate yourself when you lose a personal battle? If so, you’d be a pretty lonely person.

Holding on to the past takes a toll on our emotional, physical and spiritual health. So how do we take Elsa’s advice and “Let it go?”

You can take the spiritual approach. As author Rev. J Martin, expresses in his book, The Power of Letting Go, “We all tend to hold onto things that have happened in the past. It can feel like we are pulling a cart behind us with all our troubles and worries, it slows us down, we can become tired, depressed, even jealous, as life seems so easy for others… The moment that we let go of the past God will turn the page to the next chapter of our life, which will be much better than the last.”

So what if you didn't make that sale. Even if it was a BIG sale, you have to forget about it. Learn the best from what happened, but bury the rest. Know that there are things you can do to improve your odds the next time out. Give yourself a POSITIVE pep talk tomorrow - and have faith that you'll secure the deal.

You can take mindful steps to move forward. As Judith Sills Ph.D. writes for Psychology Today, “Simply put, we are our story. Not so much the story of the events in our lives but the story we tell ourselves about the role we played in the events—hero or victim, beloved or unworthy, competent or careless.

One powerful strategy for easing the pain of the past is to rewrite key aspects of the story from a more balanced, empathetic perspective. A healthy rewrite makes you less victimized, less devastated, less lost than the one you told yourself at the time of the original injury. It reduces the deep rage, loss, and fear that have been holding you back.”

Or you can do a lot of both, as I did. This means forgiving yourself – even if it's for simply being human. And no matter how many justifiable reasons you have for remaining angry and hurt, you HAVE to forgive the other person... After all, you're really doing this for yourself.

I’m honestly not sure which part is the hardest. But I do know that letting go of yesterday is the only way to fully embrace today or tomorrow. To quote Mahatma Gandhi, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." And it does take tenacity. Be patient with yourself and realize that when it comes to that icy grudge of yours, you may be a bit like me… It may take a hot minute for that thing to melt, but it's worth it.