SpringCleaning in Times of Death & Other Golden Nuggets

We are now in the morgue. He’s lying there motionless.

Time stands still as the helper gives him the ‘Ghusl’.?He gently cuts away his clothing with a scissor.

?It’s a serene moment. He looks peaceful. I know I won’t be able to get these images out of my mind till the day I die myself.

As I stand there looking at him, I still cannot fathom that a mere couple of hours ago, Abbu was talking to me. Telling me he’s going to take his car for a test drive. And now there would be no test drive. Now he won’t be able to talk to me. No one to drive that car. Till eternity. I’ll never see him again.

These are strangely hypnotic words – Eternity and Never. Used in this context, they can drive you to manic depression.

Marcus Aurelius talks about stoicism and the ability to have the viewpoint that you don’t own anything, not even your own body. But it’s easier said than done. You feel as if someone has yanked your heart out. That a part of you has died. Never to return again. You’ll never be the same again. They say this is the best way to go. You just pass away without causing a ruckus. But it’s not easy to deal with for those left behind.

As I write this, Abbu has been gone for a year now. 18th January is today. And it’s still hard to fathom he isn’t around anymore. I can still feel whenever I come out of the room, as if he’ll be sitting outside reading the Holy Quran, playing with the cat, or waiting to see whether I needed something. He was the fittest man I’ve known. At 76, he used to do all the household chores himself. And drive the car.

I had kept a Suzuki Cultus just for him. The day before I had got the clutch repaired [ it was a stick gear transmission]. And his last words to me that fateful morning, prior to leaving for office: “Beta I’ll take the car for a test drive and see if the repair has been successful”.

Just three hours later, I was giving the ritualistic ‘Ghusl’ to Abbu at a funeral home. I didn’t have the heart to see him being bathed. But one of my close friends who was with me at the hospital pushed me to go for it. And he was with me right there during the whole process.

But it doesn’t make it any easier. You’re looking at a man who carried you in his lap. Picked you up when you were down in the dumps. Made you a man. And now you’ll never seen him again. There’s a seething pain in the finality of ‘Never again’. Shahrukh Khan’s father died when he was 14. Irfan Khan’s at 19. Bono lost his mother at 15. All three described the experience as if the ground fell out from underneath your feet. That doesn’t come even close to what you actually experience.

You feel as if a part of you has died. And nothing will revive it. Ever. For all of eternity.

For me the lowest point in the abyss was just when the ambulance arrived with his body for the final rites, I felt my phone ringing. I took it out of my pocket to see who was calling. The screen displayed 'Abbu Calling'. For a fleeting second, I felt the faintest glimmer of hope that it was all a dream. That he was alive. And calling me to ask whether I needed anything.

Then I realized his phone was in my other pocket. And the call button had been pressed somehow.

I was jerked backed into reality. That precise moment. Abyss.

At times like this, you realize. how fleeting life is. And how things never remain the same. A friend of mine has a father who he’s estranged with. I don’t know which is worse. Losing a loving father, or living with a heartless father. I sometimes wonder how he’ll feel when his father passes away.

I really don’t know how people move on from letting go of someone they’ve spent more than three decades of their life with. How can you move on from someone who taught you to drive, went to movies with you, and took upon your coaching.??There was a steely resolve in him, the same one Elon Musk has to electric cars a reality, or Steve Jobs. Only his was to take care of his children like no man has ever done before. Yes he was a machine in that sense.

But even in these heart-wrenching times, you stumble upon humorous moments. All you want to do is burst out laughing, but you stifle that laughter lest people say what kind of a person this is, his father just passed away and he’s seeing the funny side of things.

Yes, even knowing you shouldn’t give a damn about what other people think. You still give a damn. Human nature. So this ex-colonel who’s looking after our admin affairs comes to my cubicle to offer Fateha [condolences]. Now Army guys, ex or in service, are supposed to be physically smart. At least not pudgy. The pudgy colonel with a stomach worthy of a 6-month pregnant woman sits in front of me along with his team. Now all of our hands are raised and we’re offering Dua.

And what I’m doing? My gaze is fixated on his belly button which is staring right at me through his shirt. While everyone around me is focused on my dad, all I could think of was why he hadn’t shaved the bush around his belly button. Why suffocate that poor button with that thick foliage. It was all I could do to stifle my laughter.

I’m considered a Vulcan. At least by my All-female star brand team. So handling grief ought to be a walk in the park for me. So I do the next best thing I know to clear my mind – Spring Clean. Only this spring-clean is not confined to just inanimate objects, but breathing ones as well. And that’s what we all need to do from time to time to keep our sanity intact.?

Human spring-cleaning is not as easy as its inanimate counterpart, even painful at times, but it can help you save years of losses and pain in the future. If someone isn’t adding value to your life, and won’t be either in the next 5 years, it’s best to cut your losses and shut them out of your life. I learned from an ex-Navy Seal who gave a talk at Google. Compress your life to just your family and yourself. Conserve and direct your mental strength just for these two entities.

The challenge is, how do you define ‘Family’. This is where 80% of people go wrong. Including me. There are three types of people in your life: Family, Friends, and Mutual Interest Acquaintances - MIA. There’s no such thing as a ‘best friend’ or close friends. He or she either falls in the category of Family or Friends. Nothing in between. This is not a spectrum. It is discrete. Digital. Not Analog.

MIA? Think office co-workers or school/college/university batch mates. You’ll socialize with them. Sometimes even party. But once you leave that place, they’ll vanish into thin air. Think Missing in Action.

Then comes ‘Friends’, possibly the most misunderstood term on this Earthly planet. They mostly graduate from the MIA tier. They are the ones who you take with when you leave a place. You’ll continue to party with them. Celebrate birthdays. Exchange gifts. Invite to weddings and funerals.

But that’s the extent of their contribution. They’ll never add any real value to your life other than the afore-mentioned superficial one. They’ll never go the extra mile, or out of their way, or any way. For you. Even if they do something for you, it’s painstakingly calculated. Even something as trivial as a birthday present would be debated on for eternity that they don’t dish out a single penny more than necessary. That they do just enough to keep the relationship alive lest they be labeled as social outcast. Or worse. Narcissistic.?Matlabi.

They are the showpieces in your drawing room showcase. Let’s be realistic. You do need a social circle, and these people do add some value from time to time here and there. Most problems arise when people mistake their Friends for Family.?And putting their own ass on the line for them as if they’re family.?

What do you mean by putting their ass on the line? They’ll never do something which either wasn’t expected of them, that is, take initiative, or rise to the occasion and do more than required. They are not reticent creatures, like the rest of your ‘Friends’. Most people go through life having loads of ‘Friends’ but no one in the ‘Family’ column. I knew a girl once who had the same problem. She had well-connected friends who were loaded and socialized with her, but didn’t add any real value to her life, especially when it mattered. And I didn’t have the heart to tell her. She even made career decisions based on their counselling rather than her own gut instinct. Which was sad. Since it got her nowhere. And she couldn't differentiate between the two, despite all her intellect.

You can’t go through life with that column empty. At the other end of the spectrum, if the only people in that column are your hubby and parents, you’re setting yourself up for a catastrophe later in life, especially when the parents pass away.?It’s a cruel world. And if you don’t take steps to counter it when you can, it will torture you no end.

There's another girl I know who has this exact issue. Her valuation of herself is extrinsic rather than intrinsic. It's always 'Meri Gaari, meri beti aur mera hubby'. What happens if God forbid she loses all three? Her valuation of herself is reduced to naught.

Family doesn’t necessarily mean all your relatives. In fact some of those very relatives you need to throw out of your life.

‘Family’ is any person who has a skin in the game of your life. Who has the balls to put his or her proverbial ass on the line for you. Be vulnerable, open to ridicule- social or cultural, financial losses, even life. Take a hit. For your sake. He or she doesn’t need be a blood relative. A stranger. A friend. And if you discover that person within your network. Don’t let go of him. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life. Rest you can shut out or demote.

And the process of demotion or complete shutting out doesn’t need to be bitter or confrontational. Well, sometimes it can be. Like this one friend who depended on me when he was in trouble, and deserted me when he was on a high. When I let go of him, he ignored the subtle cold shoulder I was giving him, and kept pestering me the next time he got in trouble. So I had to go blatant.

But nine times out of ten, it won’t come to that. Most homo sapiens, even with IQ below 100, are perceptive enough to get the message. Accusations, arguments will only sap you of your already depleted mental capacity. Don’t bother going that route.

While this strategy maybe arduous at first, trust me, over time you’ll feel the exhilaration of having less excess baggage. Travel light. Be it countries, or life.

The energy you’ve freed from those useless bonds can now be used to forge new connections, improve existing ones worth their weight in gold, and do other meaningful work in your life. Cut your losses. Go for minimalism. And go for impact. And make sure you carry on the legacy of the person who made you who you are today.

As for me, things continued to spiral downwards throughout the year from that tragedy on. It was as if a guardian angel had stopped protecting from evil forces around me. I could suddenly feel the insecurities of people around me. Workplace. Relatives. Social circle. You name it. People I thought I could count on either abandoned me or started to see me with some strange newfound suspicion based on heresy. Colleague vying for the most coveted position in the department sliding a dagger into my back. That kind of thing. Which didn't make any sense, since I was the same person, albeit a grieving one - an orphan. And when your own seniors within your workplace started behaving that way, out of sheer heresy, chinese whisper, or plain old jealousy, it's high time you exit gracefully. Choose your battles. Some battles aren't worth your time, energy. Or status.

In short I had the most wretched year of my life. And as they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger......

I may not have become really strong by any stretch of the imagination. But mental clarity, definitely. Let's just say I've become the 'Neo' of seeing through people, their motives and behaviors. Andar ki Ghalaazat.

And that incites me to bring you my very own Fourteen Points of Life Clarity.....