If We Don't Quit Comparing, Comparing Will Cause Us to Quit

Do you sometimes give up on projects you've started?

Chances are you're comparing yourself to others. When we do that, we feel we don't "measure up" and give up what we're doing because it's not "enough."

This was happening to someone in our Stop Wishing, Start Writing support group. On our monthly check-in call, I asked how she was doing.

She said, "I'm stuck."

"Why?"

"I went into a bookstore, saw all those books on my topic and thought, 'What can I possible say that hasn't already been said before? I can't compete with these successful authors. My confidence went out the window."

I told that this type of "Who am I to write a book?" Imposter Syndrome has been around for a long time.

In fact, Sir Walter Raleigh said, "I can't write a book commensurate with Shakespeare. I can write a book by me."

I told her, "Comparisons put us on an emotional see-saw that sets up a one up – one down dynamic. We either feel inferior (people are better than us) or superior (we are better than other people). Neither feeling is healthy.

We don’t want to feel better than other people; that’s?arrogance.

We don’t want to feel other people are better than us; that’s?unworthiness.

The goal is to have a a centered core of confidence we carry with us that doesn’t depend on where we are or who we’re with.

The goal is to create, not to compare or compete.

How do we do that?

Instead of comparing ourselves to others – we admire, aspire or appreciate.

Here’s an example.

A woman emailed me, “As a result of your SOMEDAY book I rejoined my gym. I used to go three times a week, but had stopped going because of the pandemic, and had become a couch potato. I walked into the aerobics class, took one look at all those hard bodies leaping around in their leotards and was tempted to head home and dive into a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

Then I remembered, ‘Comparisons cause us to quit.’ I realized I was about to abandon something I really wanted to do because of those comparisons.

So, instead I?admired, ‘Good for them for being in such good shape’ and then?aspired, ‘How can I get back in shape?’ Not by going home and inhaling a pint of ice cream. Thanks to that shift in my mindset, I’m now back to working out three times a week.

Every once in a while, I look at the people around me and get intimidated. But if I keep focusing on how they’re better than me, I get demoralized and depressed and I'm back to feeling that no matter what I do, I'm not enough.

Instead, I switch my attention back to my goal, which is to be fit and healthy. I give myself props for taking better care of myself and I’m motivated to continue instead of quit.”

How about you?

Do you compare yourself to others? Does any good come out of it?

It’s natural to envy what others have or to feel bad or not "enough" when it appears that they’ve got something we don’t. We look at their glowing announcements and social-media updates and it’s easy to feel jealous.

The problem is, jealousy don’t help, it only hurts. It causes us to lose sight of our own value - to question our own self worth - and to feel "less than."

If there's anything I've learned after interviewing hundreds of people about whether they like themselves and their life, it's this:"

“Comparison is the root of all unhappiness and the ruin of self-esteem.”

From now on, follow my friend Maggie Bedrosian’s example to switch envy to appreciation. Maggie told me, “Years ago at our annual convention, everyone went around the lunch table introducing themselves. It turned into a brag-fest. This person had just been on Oprah, this one just had a speaking tour in Europe, this one just got a six figure book deal.

I found myself shrinking in my chair, feeling smaller and smaller as everyone shared their highlight reel. I had been happy with my career until I heard what everyone else was doing. I snuck back to my room after lunch, and was going to skip the afternoon sessions. Then my eyes fell on a photo of my husband and son I take with me whenever I travel. Just seeing their faces reminded me how much I love them and how good my life is, just the way it is.

I impulsively slipped their photo in the back of my plastic name badge. The rest of that convention, anytime someone carried on about where they’d just been or what they’d just done, I would peek at that photo and it would instantly re-center me in how I’m already wealthy in what matters.”

How about you? Do you ever feel small when people trot out their latest achievements? Do you feel envious when scrolling through other people’s accomplishments? Do you look at what others have got, and what you’ve not?

How will you re-center yourself in what really matters, right here, right now?

Remember, if you feel your life is like a see-saw, you’re depending on other people for your ups and downs.

Jump off the jealousy see-saw. Spring free from the comparison trap.

Turn ENVY into ENOUGH by focusing on what you’ve GOT vs. what you’ve NOT.

Choosing to admire, aspire, or appreciate will create a centered core of confidence you carry with you wherever you go that doesn’t depend on where you are or who you’re with.

And isn’t that what we all want?

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This is excerpted from Sam's What's Holding You Back? book. Her inspiring keynotes show how to carry a core of confidence with you everywhere you go.