Spring Chicken Betrayal

"Excuse me, young man, would it be all right if I took this place?" Mrs. Belford asks, pointing to the empty space at the far end of Vincent's red wooden bench. "Of course, Ma'am, please feel free," he responds with a forced smile. "You're a darling," she says, turning slowly and timidly until she's facing the lake like he is. The 82-year-old former teacher then sets her tiny black purse on the armrest, bends forward at the waist, and rests her body on the seat with difficulty. She straightens her long, dark grey cashmere skirt and dusts her ivory cotton sweater with her hands. Finally, she pauses for a few moments to ensure that her salon-layered white curls have kept their shape. Soon, they're both facing the calm, crystalline waters, watching a flock of white birds flying into the distance.

"By the way, thank you for referring to me as a young man. But I’m far from that, I'm 51,” Vincent says, his voice tinged with sadness. The experienced business manager is dressed in a three-piece navy-blue wool suit with a pristine white shirt underneath and an elegant black silk tie that completes the look. “Nonsense! You’re quite a spring chicken!” exclaims Mrs. Belford. "But let me ask you something. Is the unstoppable passage of time the reason you appear to be under a cloud?" she inquires, hoping not to intrude. "No, it isn't," he quickly responds, sighing. "So, what’s bothering you?" she asks. He pauses for a few seconds to gather his thoughts before responding: "Someone betrayed me, someone I deeply trusted."

Betrayal is the feeling of being wronged by the intentional actions or omissions of someone we thought was dependable. Physical pain, confusion, numbness, guilt, rage, sadness, heartbreak, loss of confidence, self-worth, and faith are all emotions we experience as a result. We usually associate it with romantic infidelity. But there are other types of betrayal to consider, such as those perpetrated by family and friends. When they cross the line, for example, by disclosing confidential information, being disloyal, or acting dishonestly, the consequences can be disastrous. We may struggle to recognize, express, or manage our emotions, as well as trust others afterward. Finally, there’s a third type of betrayal that is rarely discussed: betrayal by our boss. When someone with a significant impact on our careers and livelihoods violates our trust, the consequences are far-reaching and long-lasting. Frustration, anger, resentment, loss, grief, pessimism, anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and damaged self-esteem are all potential outcomes.

We are so sensitive to betrayal because we evolved to favor trust and reject disloyalty. According to Psychology Today, thousands of years ago, humans needed to be hypervigilant in order to survive in incredibly hostile environments. Such safety-promoting vigilance demanded and continues to demand both physical and psychological resources. It cannot be sustained indefinitely without causing harm. So, we learned to stay safe by sharing responsibilities with other people and trusting that everyone would keep their promises. When this fails, or, in other words, when we’re betrayed, the sympathetic "fight or flight" nervous system kicks in, and our bodies are flooded with adrenalin and cortisol. While the cocktail of brain chemicals increases our chances of immediate survival, it depletes our immune system. It also has catabolic properties, which sets the stage for a variety of stress-related illnesses.

Betrayal isn’t something to be taken lightly, as it can quickly escalate into full-fledged damage. According to Healthline, psychologist Jennifer Freyd coined the term "betrayal trauma" in 1991. She described it as a specific shock that happens in key social relationships where the betrayed person needs to maintain a relationship with the betrayer. This can be due to physical security, financial support, or emotional protection. There are three potential consequences of this. If we choose to accept and bury the trauma out of concern for the consequences of acknowledging the betrayal, the suppressed emotions are likely to resurface with a vengeance at some point in our lives. In addition, viewing betrayal as an inevitable part of life can make us more vulnerable to new betrayals. This can harm our sense of self-worth, our emotional health, and our capacity to create bonds with others. Finally, we might come to blame the betrayal on ourselves. The more often we do this, the more likely we are to develop a habit of doing it (a process known as neuroplasticity). As a result, we risk losing ourselves in the cycle of betrayal, acceptance, and blame.

Bouncing back from romantic betrayal is easier said than done. Berkeley University advises making an effort to restore trust as a first step. By using the crisis to better understand our relationship, we can try to lower the likelihood that it will happen again. Regaining a sense of control is crucial to repairing trust as it’s founded on the idea that we are neither the helpless objects of our partner's whims nor the victims of our own errors; rather, we have the power to make positive changes in our relationships. We should also separate complaints from criticism. If we express our problems in a way that encourages our partner to rebuild trust, our relationship will mend more rapidly. On the other hand, shame, humiliation, and criticism will be harmful because they make the other shut down, steer clear of, and withdraw. And finally, we should assess our forgiveness capacity. It’s possible that the betrayer is too flawed and the damage too deep for them to ever be trusted again. The danger of cooperating with our partner to repair the betrayal, however, may be warranted if their acts don’t represent a trend.

With regard to recovering from betrayal coming from family and friends, spiritual teacher Deepak Chopra explains that we need to gain some detachment by standing back and viewing ourselves as if we were the helper, not the victim. Seeking out a confidant who has survived the same betrayal and come out on the other side can also be beneficial. And overcoming self-pity by being of service to others will boost our self-esteem. He also emphasizes some don’ts, things we should avoid because they only exacerbate our emotions. Dwelling obsessively on how we were wronged, turning our pain into an ongoing drama, acting erratic with no plan for improvement, idealizing the past, and allowing self-pity and regret to dominate our state of mind only prolong the betrayal.

Finally, the Harvard Business Review offers six strategies for dealing with a boss's betrayal, three of which I will highlight. First, we must avoid burying our negative emotions. When we are consumed by them, they can cloud our judgment, distort how we see ourselves and others, and create chronic feelings of overwhelm. That’s why having an outlet is critical; finding a therapist or coach to talk to, in addition to journaling, can be beneficial. Second, practice forgiveness rather than retaliation. It’s natural to want to hold our boss accountable for their betrayal. But, even if opportunities to do so arise, never stoop to their level. Compassion is the best antidote to vengeful bitterness. Finally, remain true to our values. If our boss has betrayed our trust, we must be careful not to unconsciously corrupt our own behavior in response. We should be clear about the values we want to govern our behavior and be firm about what compromising them entails.

"And that concludes my story," Vincent says, relieved. “Do you have any words of wisdom for me?” Mrs. Belford looks him in the eyes and replies: "In my opinion, you have two options. In the first one, you remain angry, bitter, and resentful. You will be unhappy and ill as a result of this. Furthermore, it will make you lonely because no one wants to be with someone who drains their joy. Assume you eventually find a way to retaliate by doing to the other person what they did to you. When you succeed, you may feel a sense of closure, assuming that the scale has been rebalanced. But it won’t be. To begin, you cannot change the past. Worse, you will have destroyed your spirit by then." Vincent drops his gaze and mumbles: "I guess you're right. So, what's option number two?" Mrs. Belford approaches Vincent and takes his hand in hers. She then says: "Well, you can also choose to transform your emotions into something good. There’s a lesson in your experience; find it and embrace it. Grow stronger and smarter as a result of it. Take pride in yourself and remember how valuable you are. Above all, react with forgiveness, compassion, and integrity. Let your values stand out."

Author: Esteban Polidura, CFA. June 10, 2023.

*****

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