Spotting a Manipulator

We’ve all seen those diagrams of an iceberg showing people’s visible and invisible characteristics.?Most of the time, the invisible traits are things like regrets, troubles, trauma, feelings, etc… If we have empathy, these hidden attributes cause us to feel sorry for others or give them a little grace for their tragic circumstances.

We see behavior and body language. We hear words and tone. What if the invisible side of the iceberg doesn’t contain a "nice" reason for behavior? What if the hidden side is entitlement, contempt, hatred, or selfishness? Our empathy might try to make sense of the behavior, but what if it doesn’t make sense?

We tend to look for cause-and-effect reasons why people behave badly. However, with some people, we may never discover the cause. Sometimes finding out why someone acts-out can be an endless trap, sucking the life, energy, and resources from our empathetic souls. That’s what dealing with a manipulator is like.

These are a few clues you’re dealing with a manipulator and not just a sad, regretful person.

1.????Inconsistency – This trait appears in many forms.?

a.????They treat certain people differently. They flatter and fawn over a vice president, then dramatically criticize the cafeteria worker.

b.????They defend you in public and berate you in private.

c.????They sound enthusiastic in the meeting, then complain about the same thing later.

d.????They call you on the way to work screaming about the traffic, then arrive smiling like nothing ever happened.

2.????Nonsensical – (See number 1) When things don’t make sense, our subconscious tries to figure it out. Our intuition or gut feeling (reptilian brain) notices inconsistencies, but we may not consciously realize the situation. We may feel nervous, tense, tight, scared.?Your body will tell you something’s wrong before your mind catches up.

Learn to pay attention to your shoulders and neck.?Some people feel intuition in their stomach or bowels. The key is decreasing the time between sensation and action.?

3.????Unequal – (See number 1) If you work more on a project, and someone always has excuses for escaping, that’s unequal. If you’re singled out when something goes wrong, and others let you take the blame without sharing responsibility, that’s unequal.

These are just a few manipulations.?If you’d like more information about recognizing or dealing with manipulation, book our microlearning course, “Addressing Manipulation to Improve Equity and Inclusion.” We provide individual or group instruction, virtually or in-person.