Spiritualize your relationships and transform them

In 2009 we went through a big crisis in our marriage and right in that moment a good friend gave me a book (Why talking is not enough, by Susan Page) that, along with my first year in ontological coaching, helped me lead a transformation wthat brought us back to love, connection and unity.

Over the years I’ve used these strategies not only with my marriage but with ALL the relationships that I want to build or rebuild and I’ve helped thousands of people do the same. It’s not an ‘advice’ type of solution but a ‘process’ one, where you can find your UNIQUE way to transform that relationship that today brings you anything ranging from frustration to sadness, anger or disappointment.

Before you continue reading, encourage yourself to do something NOW and think:

What relationship would you like to make flourish?

It can be a close and personal relationship, like with your spouse, or professional one, like with your boss or a coworker. I recently used this process with a client to help her become a better boss to her reports. 

This process works for ALL kinds of relationships. Go straight to the first one you thought about when reading this, take courage and dive in.

Step 1: Acknowledge your current situation and assume your POWER.

If you had to rank the relationship today from 1 to 10, 1 being terrible, a total disappointment, drains you energetically and only gives you negative feelings that invade many aspects of your life; and 10 being awesome, with mutual growth and acceptance.

YOUR CURRENT STATUS IS: ____

List all the positive things of the relationship and below that, separated by a line, all the negative.

Spiritualize your relationships

Our minds can play tricks on us based on past experiences, specially the ones related to trying to control situations (out of fear) to avoid losing what we think is important for us. With this we sabotage ourselves and the relationship.

Spiritualizing means:

• You take full responsibility to change what you can change and let go of the outcome. You can only take responsibility for what YOU think, feel and do, and that’s already a lot. You can also learn how to create new contexts to flourish with that other person, but you can’t force them. Above all, the most important thing here is for you to take responsibility for YOUR EMOTIONS, even if they're the “result” of someone else’s actions.

“I can be 100% responsible for what I feel (and how I respond to that).”

• You go beyond your current thoughts, get in touch with your heart, with that place where you’re united with yourself and the other person, where there’s no differences.
• You leave fear behind and replace it with love, that means to stop trying to control and start to learn.

Step 2: “let bygones be bygones”, turn communication into action.

Before flourishing you need to accept where you’re at this moment and let it go. Yes, just like if you’re starting all over again but with a lot more knowledge (that I’ll share with you) and openness to learn and love.

This means accepting what was missing, what hurt you, what made you mad and decide to let that go with the power of love that lies in you. And that’s it. This step can be very long for some of us and take some time, for that reason I’ll give you a few ways to go through for you choose:

• MIRROR - The other person could be you: a lot of times, when the way someone else acts bothers you means that you act the same way, just don’t recognize it. For example, it bothers you that the other person doesn’t take care of themselves but you don’t take care of yourself either accepting things in your relationship that hurt you or you don’t give yourself the space to do what you want to do.

In my relationship, it made me sad to see that we didn’t have activities to share and I felt we were growing apart. I used to tell myself or think that my husband didn’t care about connecting with me, to know what I liked or was not willing to try new things.

When I asked myself what was I doing to feel this way: OOPS!

I realized I wasn’t doing anything for us, I wasn’t asking what he liked either or giving any ideas about what we could do together. I remember that instead of talking about it I just asked him: How about if we go out biking as a family on Saturday and end up having lunch by the river? He said yes, and that became our ritual to connect, forget about the week, grab some fresh air, workout a bit and enjoy together. As simple as that...

• BOUNDARIES: what is bothering from the other person might be related with having no boundaries with what’s hurting you. For example, putting up with criticism, complaints or feeling belittled by the way others talk to you. I didn’t realize this until doing and inner child therapy I remembered that, when I was a child, my dad used to talk like that, in a negative way and my mom didn’t say anything. I learned to be quiet and submissive. When I finally realized about this, I set healthy boundaries. If my husband gets into this spiral of complaints and not loving ways of talking, then I say: “Look, I don’t like the way you’re talking to me. You can change the way you’re saying things or we can continue the conversation other day”. When I notice he is very upset, I just put myself out of his sight, there’s no point in being a target for his bad mood. Perhaps he just needs to be alone or eat but hasn’t realize it yet, either way, I don’t have to put up with that. I can set a boundary so these moments won’t damage my relationship with him or with myself.

• I take care of my needs, just me and I GIVE WHAT I WANT TO RECEIVE. It’s nice when someone else takes care of us or offers to do something for us but what’s not good is to demand this attention because is no one else’s responsibility to take care of us, it’s ours. Every time I demand this from another person it’s a reflection of what I’m not giving to myself. If I demand to be surprised, then I do it for myself. I can get out of work a bit earlier and go get a cup of coffee with a friend, buy myself flowers or go get a manicure with my sister while having some tea. I can even give that person what I’m asking for. This is MAGICAL, when I start giving to the other what I want, somehow I’m showing the way and that has great effects on that person. But wait, this only happens when I do it because I want to and not because I’m expecting something in return.

If what’s in the past is a treason or abuse from the other person and that is what I want to leave behind, then I need more than this:

• First, to leave it behind doesn’t mean that I want to keep that relationship. It means that I want to heal that wound so that I can be whole again.
• Second, if what I want is to rebuild that relationship, then, there has to be clear agreements about how to do it and take it one step at a time to find out if it’s possible.
• Third, in this case my advice is to get therapeutic help because when the pain is too deep, we need to connect to someone else that can help us go through that pain, a coach, friend, therapist or family member that is willing to open up their heart to make us feel hugged through the process and be able to take better decisions.

To finish this step successfully, the key is to have the best communication with yourself and then base your relationship on ACTIONS that come from that inner connection.

Taking what you realize, in step 1, what’s not working in your relationship and assume full responsibility, what can you do to take care of it? How can you create something different, new and better for you and the other?

Step 3: create scenarios for connection - RITUALS

Whether it’s in your workplace through weeklies or with your significant other when you go out alone, it’s key to have spaces where you can share with no other goal that to get to know each other a bit better than before and be there for each other.

For some of us it might be better to NOT do. I mean, in my case, with my husband, it helps us a lot to go out for a walk and talk about how we feel, to support each other through each other’s challenges, to plan what we would like to do together. For others, it might be a better option to go out for a coffee or have some dessert.

CONTEXT is a key factor to consider and design for: it must favor the connection and get out of the everyday routine in the relationship, it must prevent us from falling back into bad habits. When it is a  relationship at work, it might be easier to connect at a personal level outside the office. With our families and spouse is the same, we have to create contexts that can turn into rituals (this doesn’t mean boring routines) of connection.

Now it’s your turn:

What activities do you think could help you reconnect from “another place” with more harmony and joy?

Think about some “fresh air” for the relationship, going beyond words, using all your body. New experiences change the way your brain works and help you reprogram your relationship from the inside out.

This is just the beginning…

I have a lot of cards under my sleeve to help you out, so keep connected to me and tell me what’s your challenge so I can guide you. My tricks DO need commitment and effort so you can get to your goal but they work so well and fast that seem magical. 

I’ll leave you with this last experience and “trick”. It’s called ACT AS IF... and the thing is to let go of thoughts and emotions and act as if you had others.

This happened with my husband, whom I hadn’t seen in a few weeks because of our children vacations and his work trips. I was feeling both frustrated and resentful (ny mind was telling stuff like: “Here I am, all alone with the kids during their vacations and I can’t do everything I want to do. You’re over there, all by yourself, way too easy.)

First, I recognized that I created that situation as much as he did and then I asked myself: What do I want to create? Do I want to stay away from him driven by resentment or do I want to act like “this” never happened, let bygones be bygones, think that perhaps I didn’t make the best decision but  I want to reconnect and enjoy this vacation with him as well? I took the second option and it was MAGICAL. All of a sudden it was an incredible day, us connecting, talking on our own. We then created opportunities to be together, by ourselves and with the kids, as a family, with all the will to make things work.

It was an amazing surprise to realize that a change of mindset, accepting and taking responsibility, transformed my ENTIRE reality in less than 24 hours. I was at the point of thinking that if we were so apart, maybe we shouldn’t be married anymore (Yeah, I know, drama queen, but well, my mind play with me during moments like that… thankfully, in 19 years of marriage I’ve learn to know myself so as not to believe my mind. I always remember what Valentina, my eldest daughther said when she was 6: LA MENTE TE MIENTE (Mind lies to you, only in spanish it rhymes!)  

You can transform your relationship too, by going beyond your mind and emotions to create something new, a heart to heart relationship, from your spirit where we’re always connected.

Let me know about your journey to a better relationship and if you need help.

Denise.

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Denise Dziwak works as a transformational coach, business consultant, author and speaker.

She connects deeply with people helping them learn that through inner connection they can create a flourishing life for themselves and those around them.

She works independently and also for highly prestigious organizations such as Vistage, the largest CEOs organization in the world, Axialent, the consulting firm funded by Fred Kofman and pioneer in the use of Conscious Business, and BetterUp, the first mobile platform that provides evidence-based personalized coaching to boost your confidence and performance at work.

Expertise: Business coaching, Spiritual & Life Coaching, Applied Creativity to Problem Solving (Design Thinking), Building Community & Culture.