Spiritual #12: Your Spiritual Healthy Adult Mode Behaviors (Part 3?-?Loving Your Neighbor) by Dr. Ken?McGill

Goal: To develop Spiritual Healthy Adult Mode behaviors that demonstrate you’re Loving Your Neighbor.

In Spiritual Healthy Adult Mode Behaviors,?Part 1 of 3, we looked at the 19 core components of Agape Love, how they serve as a foundation for Healthy Adult Mode behavior, and how a loving God would like to pour these into your spirit freely and abundantly for your benefit.??Your engagement in the Healthy Adult mode behavior of studying and becoming knowledgeable and familiar with these core components of Agape Love positions you to know and understand your Higher Power is a “Loving God” and desires for you to grow in knowledge and application of these core virtues, values and principles.

In Spiritual Healthy Adult Mode Behavior,?Part 2 of 3, we looked at how the daily and practical application of these 19 core components of Agape Love helps us to create and experience healthy forms of self-love. When you engage in this Healthy Adult Mode behavior over days, weeks, months and years in our life, it not only grows self-efficacy, but it also produces wisdom, which I define as “becoming skilled at living,” where your primary focus of self-love helps you to experience the many benefits that accompany self-care. I call this Healthy Adult Mode behavior “Loving Yourself.”

So, in this post, Spiritual Healthy Adult Mode behavior Part 3 of 3, I encourage you to demonstrate what you’ve learned about knowing how to love yourself?to others, so that the Healthy Adult behavior you produce closely resembles behavior I call “Loving your Neighbor as yourself.”?

Demonstrating the behavior called Loving your neighbor, who at any given time is the person in close proximity to you (the Greek word Plesion) will hopefully come easier to you because now, you'll be giving to others the beneficial and healthy virtues and values you've been giving to yourself. In closing this post, let’s look at three Healthy Adult Characteristics which are key to accomplishing this task.?

Healthy Adult Characteristic #1 – INTUITION:?Intuition, per?Dr. Dan Siegal, is also one of the nine middle prefrontal cortex functions, which he defines as “non-logical knowing that emerges from neural networks in the heart and intestines, which send messages upward, through your insula, to regions of the middle prefrontal cortex.”??

When you think of your neural networks, picture?your nervous system, and primarily with intuition, think of this as your gut and your heart functioning as a “teacher” who sends to the “student” (your brain) additional and vital information to assist you in gaining knowledge about something you may need to know about for your own safety or well-being, or, for the safety and well-being of others.

So with Intuition, instead of paying an outside source to teach you (tuition), the “teacher” is your body and the “student” is your mind (and soul and spirit). The "lesson" is what is the wise, healthy adult behavior your gut or heart is teaching your mind, so that the decision(s) you'll eventually make with your neighbor results in him or her feeling loved? ?????

Feels like a tall order but again, I simply remind you if you’re living by and practicing the healthy adult mode behavior discussed earlier, and in the two previous posts (Part 1 of 3 and Part 2 of 3), then Intuition may come easier than you think because your body is just adding the “exclamation point” to the appropriate healthy adult mode behavior that needs to be applied in this particular situation, where the focus is on helping your neighbor by demonstrating Agape-oriented actions for their benefit.?

This is what the?Good Samaritan story?teaches us; no one needed to tell him what to do when he came upon a man who was hurt.??He felt pity (a heart touched by mercy), and he creatively used his resources in the crisis moment to alleviate pain, get the person to safety, took care of him and promised to render additional but reasonable assistance as needed to aid in the healing of the injured person.

So I have a question for you: When someone in close proximity to you is hurt, and you observe they’re in pain or distress, what is your body (gut and heart) teaching your mind, where together, your heart and mind size up the situation appropriately, where your actions result in a loving and wise response and your neighbor not only feels the love of God (from your heart), but your actions also serve as a catalyst for their overall healing???This is Intuition in action working toward the best of all outcomes with your neighbor!?

Healthy Adult Mode Characteristic #2?-?A-C-T-I-V-E Model:?

You can read about the A-C-T-I-V-E Model in?Choosing Change #9, but here’s a thumbnail sketch of the model:?

A: Be?AWARE?of how Schemas from your past experiences could be sabotaging your current efforts.

C:?CHALLENGE, CHANGE?and replace unwanted Schemas with adaptive and Healthy Adult mode behaviors that work!

T:?TERMINATE?any destructive Ego Defenses or Cognitive Distortions your Maladaptive Schemas want to use for “protection,” but really keep you stuck in child-like ways of operating.

I:?INVESTIGATE?what Adult Values and Virtues make sense to you and are reasonable to develop and incorporate into your daily life (especially ones that serve to counterbalance your Maladaptive Schemas and Maladaptive Schema modes).

V:?VALIDATE?yourself by consistently living according to your Values, Virtues and ideals that are sensible, reasonable and functional for yourself and others.

E:?EVALUATE?your choices and behaviors to determine if your actions are helping you to achieve the outcomes you want for yourself (and others!).?

The?A-C-T-I-V-E Model?is useful for two important reasons.??First, when you apply the first three letters (“A – C – T”) of the?A-C-T-I-V-E Model, I encourage you to be cognizant about?how you get in your own way?and interrupt your ability to successfully engage in goal-oriented behavior that reflects you’re loving your neighbor.??

This simply means you’re aware of how your?Maladaptive Schemas?(Entitlement, Emotional Deprivation, Negativity, etc.) and?Maladaptive Schema Modes?(Angry Defiant, Perfectionistic Controller, Demanding or Critical Parent, etc.),?Ego Defenses (Attacking, Regression, Rationalization, etc.) or?Cognitive Distortions?(Always, Being Right, Blaming, Jumping to Conclusions, etc.) frustrates, impedes if not downright sabotages your thinking, decision making and actions.?

Not being aware of these internal processes almost guarantees you’ll get lost in the same old familiar places of inflicting hurt upon others versus delivering love, help or healing they may need from you! That’s why it’s so important to focus on the second important reason!

The second important reason encourages you to focus on positive and loving behaviors, demonstrated by the manifestation of your virtues and values embedded in the last three letters (“I – V – E”) of the A-C-T-I-V-E?Model.?

The?“I”?encourages you to Investigate what the person and/or situation is needing, then per your value system, engage in productive processes to deliver behavior that’s appropriate to the situation and brings resolution.

The?“V”?encourages you to Validate yourself by living according to the Values and Virtues that are sensible, reasonable and functional for you, and if they’re beneficial for you then they’ll also be helpful to others, as the situation dictates. The?“E”?encourages you to Evaluate your choices and behaviors to determine if your actions are helping you to achieve the outcomes you (and the other person) want and are working toward.?

If you'd like, throw an "L" in front of the "I - V - E" because I'd like to suggest you truly do want to "L-I-V-E" in this manner and remain "A-C-T-I-V-E" by practicing the "I - V - E" part of the model continuously, for your own benefit and for the benefit of others!?

Do you remember Table 1, the?“Loving Yourself”?table from Spiritual Healthy Adult Mode behaviors, Part 2 of 3???I’m including it here as a point of reference to Table 2: the?“Loving Your Neighbor”?table below it, as an example of how the behaviors you practice in Loving Yourself could easily be directed toward others in your effort to Love Your Neighbor.

Table 1: Loving Yourself via the practice of your Healthy Adult Morals, Virtues and Values

Healthy Adult Mode Characteristic #3?–?BUILD UP:

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for?building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen”?- Ephesians 4:29 (TNIV)

The practice of this Healthy Adult Characteristic is simple, but it yields profound outcomes.??Building Up (the Greek words?Arkitekton?and?Oikodomeo) means by the practice of the 19 core components of Agape Love (and other virtues and values), you get to be the Lead Architect or Builder who simply engages in the strategic activity of?building a home on the rock?by?building up others in the house?(or my neighbors in close proximity to me) by the consistent practice of your Healthy Adult mode behaviors, characteristics, virtues and values!

I like the verse from Ephesians 4:29 because it encourages the reader (if it's within reason) to go one more step beyond the Golden Rule ("Do to others what you would have them do to you"), toward the implementation of the Platinum Rule ("Treat others the way they want to be treated") as you consider your values, and how they may be applied in your interaction with your neighbor.

So, in closing this post, I have a question for you:?How are you applying the principles discussed in Spiritual Healthy Adult Mode Behaviors?Part 1 of 3,?Part 2 of 3?and in this post, Part 3 of 3, so that your actions demonstrate and reflect wise and loving behaviors that build mutually edifying outcomes in your life and in the life of your neighbors? What?“blueprints and building materials”?are you using to achieve your goal of building up the “dream home” where others feel the love of God consistently in your actions??

Suggested Activity: Create your “Healthy Adult Mode Characteristic List” patterned after Table 2 above (or create both Tables after you’ve read?“Your Spiritual Healthy Adult Mode Behaviors (Part 2 of 3).”?View it daily and give yourself and your neighbor these loving behaviors regularly to experience fruitfulness and maturity in your actions.

Skill to develop:?The ability to demonstrate healthy and reasonable behaviors that reflect you’re loving your neighbor as yourself.?

Next: Cognitive #10: Your Cognitive Healthy Adult Mode Behaviors (Part 1 - A Loving God) or Table of Contents.?

Thanks for reading this excerpt from Cultivating Love: Wisdom for Life. As time permits, please visit the other blogs written by Dr. Ken McGill:?Daily Bread for Life?and “3–2–5–4–24″ for additional information that could be helpful.