Spilled Milk

I was pitching a high dollar contract a few weeks ago, and in causal conversation, I mentioned that my daughter recently passed unexpectedly. The CEO said "Jesus Vance, you're being incredibly calm about this." What struck me about that exchange was, why I was so calm about it. Sure, faith had something to do with it. {As a follower of Christ, I do believe that I have the faith of a mustard seed. As a follower of Buddhism, I have come dangerously close to mastering the art of letting go.} But what I attribute my calmness to was my wife. 

My wife and I have an amazing relationship. We both are laid back people, and we don't cry over spilled milk. Over the years working with clients who had relationship problems, what stands out most is, that many put pride over peace. That the need to be right is more important than finding what is right. Which brings me back to spilled milk. 

I once worked with a couple that owned a business together. They owned a home, had children and filed taxes together. On paper, it looked like a fairytale romance. But you know what was missing? Trust! They did not trust each other. I recall one of their session blew up, because one of them would not let the other look in their phone. She had a compelling argument. They had kids together, a home, business and joint checking accounts, but he lost it when she answered his cell while in the shower. His reply, she doesn't need to know everything. Despite the fact that she could have leveled him financially, this was his deal breaker? Spilled milk. 

How many times have little things become big things? I had another couple at war with each other because he wanted to go to the gym after work, when she had already cooked dinner. They didn't talk for a week. To me, this is spilled milk. These types of scenarios are all too common. These are little things. Far from deal breakers. Relationships should be built on open communication and trust. But if we keep a record of wrong doing, or get bent out of shape over the little things, how do we come together when something big happens? 

"We trust each other, to have each other, when the big things hit." 

I said to that CEO, "My wife and I are close. We are close because we trust. And we trust because we respect." Because we built our relationship on respect, we honor our imperfections. We talk openly. And most importantly, there is no time to engage in spilt milk conversations. And for that reason, we trust each other, to have each other, when the big things hit. 

It's something to think about. Learning to let some shit go. Is it really worth not talking to your partner over something small? Is spilled milk worth heated conversations? Only you can answer that for yourselves. But for my wife and I, with the passing of our daughter, the answer would be no. Because our milk is gone now. And I am thankful we both appreciate every moment. 

Spilled milk. Let it go. Because if you are together long enough, the big things will hit. And if you can't come together on the small things, how do you expect to be untied when it really counts?

In 1997, I read a great little book. It was called Don't Sweat The Small Stuff. And It's All Small Stuff. It's a fun little read, with suggestions to help keep things in perspective. Small stuff or spilled milk, our response and what we put value on makes the difference. And when it comes to relationships, try being happy that you have milk. Don't worry if it has spilled. If you cultivate a healthy relatiosnhip, there will always be more than enough milk. If you don't, one day it may be gone. And you just may realize just how much time was wasted on spilled milk.