Spicing Up Your Relationships with Gratitude

Yesterday's Thanksgiving Day (as observed by US residents) was mostly marked by family reunions and, of course, tasty delicacies (roasted turkey, potatoes, casserole, and many other delicious menu items). Beyond the meals, this Thanksgiving weekend gives us a great opportunity to connect and strengthen our relationships. In my preferred words, it is a great time to spice up our relationships.

In the first article of the Gratitude Adventure series, as we explored crucial reasons for gratitude during uncertain times, we learned that Gratitude can bring a fresh breath of life into stale relationships and that it can positively transform our relationships.?According to William James (the Father of American psychology): "The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated." Gratitude satisfies this crucial need of the human heart and makes our relationships more fulfilling.

In this article, Spicing Up Your Relationships with Gratitude, we will explore ways in which gratitude can spice up (boost) our relationships with people. However, let us start by reflecting on the profound wisdom of a thought leader and an accomplished business leader.

FAILED RELATIONSHIPS—COULD INGRATITUDE BE A CULPRIT?

Robert Winship Woodruff was a remarkable businessman, philanthropist, and former president of the Coca-Cola Company. Under his visionary leadership and high standards for quality and service, the company flourished and was transformed from a local soft drink business into the world’s best-known brand. Robert Woodruff came across the wise words of a friend, Bernard Gimbel, which made such a strong impression on him. He would later reprint the pamphlet with these words and pass it on to other leaders at Coca-Cola. According to Zig Ziglar, “Over the years, these words have almost become the spirit of Coca-Cola.” These profound words read:

“Life is pretty much a selling job. Whether we succeed or fail is largely a matter of how well we motivate the human beings with whom we deal to buy us and what we have to offer.

Success or failure in this job is thus essentially a matter of human relationships. It is a matter of the kind of reaction to us by our family members, customers, employees, employers, and fellow workers and associates. If this reaction is favorable we are quite likely to succeed. If the reaction is unfavorable we are doomed.

The deadly sin in our relationships with people is that we take them for granted. We do not make an active or continuous effort to do and say things that will make them like us, and believe in us, and trust us, and that will create in them the desire to work with us in the attainment of our desires and purposes. Again and again, we see both individuals and organizations perform only to a small degree of their potential success, or fail entirely, simply because of their neglect of the human element in business and life. They take people and their reactions for granted. Yet it is these people and their response that make or break them.” (Emphasis by Author)

These words are apt and should be taken to heart by anyone serious about building and maintaining rewarding relationships. Robert Woodruff believed that “the deadly sin in our relationships with people is that we take them for granted” and that the repeated reason for the failures of both individuals and organizations is the “neglect of the human element in business and life.” Let us mine these profound words for wisdom and insight. Why do you think some individuals take other people for granted? What could be responsible for the neglect of the vital human element in business and life? Several answers could be proffered. However, I would like to point out that we will generally take for granted and neglect things that we place little value on. The attention we give to a thing is proportional to the value we place on that thing. Likewise, the time and care we devote to people is a function of how much value we place on relationships and the degree to which we appreciate people. The deadly sin of relationships, taking people for granted, is simply an outward expression of a heart that does not value and appreciate people. A key underlying culprit (not the only one) that is responsible for taking people for granted is ingratitude. Along with ingratitude comes negative thinking patterns and faulty paradigms about people. If we adhere to these faulty paradigms that view people primarily as problems and sources of inconvenience rather than channels of blessings in our lives, predictably, we will end up taking people for granted and neglecting our relationships. The decline or absence of gratitude in our hearts is closely associated with self-absorption, which blinds the mind to the true value of people and results in taking people for granted.

HOW GRATITUDE TRANSFORMS OUR RELATIONSHIPS FOR GOOD

Gratitude spins a web of other positive virtues that work together to strengthen our relationships with people. Put another way, gratitude produces or contributes to several downstream virtues that ultimately serve as healthy relationship boosters.

Gratitude Transforms Our Perspective

Prolific writer and leadership expert John Maxwell, in his book Winning with People, does an amazing job of condensing twenty-five people principles that work for you every time. In this practical, insightful, and convincing work, I am personally intrigued by how Maxwell thoughtfully layers these principles, precepts upon precept, in a progressive manner. In seeking to answer the readiness question, “Are you prepared for relationships?” the first principle Maxwell unpacks is the Lens Principle, which focuses on perspective, or how we see others. It is no mistake or mere chance that the Lens Principle comes first in a long list of relationship principles. Perspective is foundational in building relationships. The future of our relationships is at the mercy of our perspectives of people. Whether we fail or succeed in our relationships primarily boils down to how we see people. Until we develop a correct perspective of people, we are not yet ready to connect with people and build healthy relationships.

Gratitude is not just an emotion. Gratitude is not merely something we practice as an add-on item to our busy schedules. Gratitude is not merely a tool that we employ in a superficial pursuit of happiness. At a much deeper level, gratitude is a disposition to life that affirms goodness and acknowledges its source. Gratitude is a mindset and an orientation to life that intentionally looks out for and acknowledges good in life.

When gratitude becomes a mindset and constitutes the lens through which we see people, the impact on our relationship is phenomenal. When gratitude becomes our lens and transforms our perspective, it will be evident in the following ways. We will:

• Appreciate the innate value of human life;
• Appreciate the immense value people currently add and could add to our lives;
• Believe in people’s potential and actively seek opportunities to invest in them;
• See people as channels of blessings instead of problems and burdens in our lives;
• See people as critical enablers that bring us closer to the attainment of our purpose;
• Be patient with people’s weaknesses and pursue healthy means of resolving conflicts;
• Have an honest and humble perspective of our limitations without the synergy of others; and
• Actively pursue interdependent relationships rather than operating in independence.

A perspective on life and people that is transformed by gratitude will ultimately contribute to the following downstream relationship boosters.

Trust Booster

According to John Maxwell, “If you boil relationships down to the most important element, it’s always going to be trust—not leadership, value, partnership, or anything else. If you don’t have trust, your relationship is in trouble.” Trust is strong confidence and faith in another person’s integrity, competence, and ability to follow through on their commitments to you. Trust is what allows us to depend on and lean on others for love, support, advice, and, in some cases, professional services. Trust is a necessary risk! Trust is both crucial and risky. It is crucial because, without trust, there can be no meaningful relationship. In dealing with people, trust is risky because there is a possibility that the people we trust may not pull through for us.

To establish and sustain trust in a relationship, two things have to converge: an openness to trust others and trustworthiness on our own part that ensures we do not break the trust that others have bestowed on us. It, therefore, means that in a healthy relationship, at least one party must be willing to trust, and the other party should reciprocate the trust bestowed by being trustworthy. The resulting question is, which should come first, openness to trust or trustworthiness? It is a tricky chicken-and-egg question. Ideally, we would want to verify a person’s trustworthiness before taking the risk of trusting the person. However, the reality is that life does not always afford us the means to verify people’s trustworthiness. So, what do we do when we have no practical means of verifying a person’s trustworthiness? Think of complete strangers in need of help. How can we always tell they are honest and not trying to take advantage of us? If we withheld our compassion and delayed hospitality until we were 100 percent sure they were trustworthy, we would be paralyzed in our ability to do good works. Although it is prudent to take advantage of available means of verifying people’s trustworthiness, our default mode and mental disposition should be a willingness to trust people and not one of suspicion.

Gratitude contributes to trust by positively influencing our willingness and openness to trust others. A 2017 study revealed that gratitude has a counteractive effect on negative emotions. Because gratitude cannot coexist with suspicion, envy, bitterness, and rivalry, gratitude empowers us to overcome these negative emotions. The more grateful we become, the less suspicious we are and the more open we are to trust people, even complete strangers. Gratitude makes us more trusting!

Compassion Booster

Compassion is crucial for a healthy relationship, and gratitude can fuel compassion in our hearts. The famous apostle Paul, in his writing to the Church at Philippi, taught that compassion was a vital ingredient in sustaining unity in a relationship. In fact, when compassion evaporates and is replaced with the hardness of a heart, a relationship is already heading for the rocks. Jesus taught that the reason for broken marriages during the time of Moses was the hardness of the people’s hearts, which, in essence, is the absence of compassion.

Compassion is an active response to the needs and suffering of others. The cycle of compassion begins with the awareness or recognition of a prevailing need or suffering, which in turn deeply moves our hearts to respond. Compassion thus compels us to take corresponding actions intended to meet the needs or alleviate the sufferings of others. A close look at the cycle of compassion reveals that our capacity for compassion is tied to our ability to look beyond ourselves, which results in heightened awareness and recognition of other people’s suffering—a recognition so strong that it produces empathy in us and propels us to act to alleviate their suffering.

A major roadblock to compassion is “self.” When I mean self, I am referring to self-conceit and self-absorption. Gratitude as an other-focused emotion helps us to shift our attention from self to others. Dispositional gratitude essentially trains our minds to look outward beyond ourselves, thereby equipping us to recognize and connect with the pain and suffering of other people.

Generosity Booster

Oftentimes, a key outward expression of gratitude is generosity. I have found this to be true, and it is corroborated by the words of the Spanish Theologian St. Ignatius of Loyola, “Grateful people tend to be more generous and magnanimous with others.” Generosity is vital to all relationships, particularly to romantic relationships such as marriage. In the words below, Linda Carroll, a licensed marriage and family therapist, unveils generosity as a vital ingredient of lasting relationships: “Generosity is important in every part of a relationship. Giving and accepting affection, doing things for one another to make life easier, forgiving each other, and keeping your partner sexually satisfied all require a generous heart.”

Gratitude, along with selfless love, fuels generosity in our relationships.

Celebration Booster

For ages, celebrations have been known to unite human communities, helping to establish new relationships and strengthening existing ones. Whether it is the arrival of a newborn, a birthday, a graduation ceremony, a wedding, the purchase of a new home, a promotion at work, the receipt of a significant award, or a thanksgiving service, celebrations bestow a sense of belonging and contributes to human fulfillment and life satisfaction. Typically, we celebrate because we recognize that someone or something is good; we identify with it and wish to commend and applaud it. By celebrating, we show appreciation for the good things in life, and we magnify them.

Bringing it closer to home in our personal lives, the Bible teaches us to intentionally celebrate the goodness in other people’s lives. “Rejoice with those who rejoice.” It is okay and positive to celebrate the blessings and successes in your life. However, if the only time you celebrate is when you succeed and not when others succeed, this smacks of immaturity. Such celebration has become a cover for self-centered living. A subtle enemy that acts to weaken relationships is the inability to genuinely celebrate with others. This rears it ugly head in the form of hidden envy, jealousy, and unhealthy competition, which could evolve into open rivalry and negative competition.

Famed playwright Oscar Wilde once wrote, “Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.” These words are apt and true! You may have noticed that when you have ordinary results in life, a certain class of friends are comfortable with you. These are friends who are okay with you being ordinary. In fact, they come across as being very supportive when trials and difficulties assail your life. However, when you succeed and make outstanding progress that differentiates you from others, some of these friends switch to enemies. Suddenly, they start picking issues with you. In extreme cases, they even try to sabotage your success—not because you have done anything wrong, but because they feel threatened by your success. Choked by unchecked envy and jealousy, they have lost the capacity to celebrate goodness in another person’s life—one who was once their friend.

According to John Maxwell, “Because people so readily identify with failure, they sometimes have a hard time connecting with success. And if they don’t identify with success, they may resent it.” If you have a challenge deeply connecting and wholeheartedly identifying with other people’s success, gratitude can remediate this problem. Gratitude can make you the rare kind of person who is sincerely happy and who celebrates when others succeed. In studying the Bible, I have observed that celebration is closely associated with gratitude. The word celebrate is often mentioned in direct reference to gratitude and remembrance of God’s goodness. Celebration words like shouting joyfully, rejoicing, and gladness recur across the Bible. I consider gratitude to be at the root of heartfelt celebration, and learning to celebrate other people’s successes will strengthen your relationships with them. It will set you apart as a true friend and will separate you from the park of commoners who keep company with envy and jealousy.

Among many important relationships, two relationships stand tall in priority. Our relationship with our parents and our relationship with our spouses. In brief, parental and marital relationships.?To dig deeper into practical ways we can strengthen these two relationships with gratitude, you can get a copy of my new book?Relentless Gratitude .?Also, visit?www.relentlessgratitude.org

FURTHER READING AND REFERENCES

1. Zig Ziglar, Top Performance: How to Develop Excellence in Yourself and Others (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Books, 2019).

2. John C. Maxwell, Winning with People: Discover the People Principles That Work for You Every Time (Nashville, Tenn: Thomas Nelson, 2007).

3. “Attitude of Gratitude The Examen Prayer of St. Ignatius by Brian J. Lehane, SJ,” God Is at Home (blog), June 19, 2015, https://bradt56.blogspot.com/2015/06/attitude-of-gratitude-examen-prayer-of.html .

4. Bible - Philippians 2:1-2, Matthew 19:8

5.????Linda Carroll, “This Is The Most Important Ingredient Of A Lasting Relationship,” Mindbodygreen, July 28, 2018, https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-have-a-long-lasting-relationship.

6.?Elizabeth Hopper, “Can Gratitude Make Our Society More Trusting?,” Greater Good Science Center, June 13, 2017, https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/can_gratitude_make_our_society_more_trusting