Speech Therapy required: The Importance of Being able to Say 'No' or 'Not Good Enough'

Ask most young children why they did something wrong, and they are likely to provide some extraneous reason as to why they resorted to something inappropriate. Likely retorts include ‘I was hungry’, ‘She made me angry’, or ‘He kicked me first’. Grown-ups can make similar excuses. 

Despite seemingly overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Lance Armstrong, disgraced Tour de France cyclist, insisted he had never been involved in doping. One of his early explanations for why former team mates gave evidence against him was ‘they were jealous’.

I have been perennially fascinated by the lengths some employees (including managers) will go to defend the indefensible. Some have low self-awareness and typically avoid self-responsibility. Some are willing to acknowledge they’ve erred but blame it on circumstance: ‘Well, what are you meant to do (but yell) when you’ve asked someone to do something three times and they keep missing the deadline?’ Whether we want to refer to this as low emotional intelligence, poor impulse control, or childishness, we can see such behaviour in individuals that most certainly belies their chronological age. It's never about them but what if sometimes it is?

Some of us are prone to insecurity or are too attached to "being smart" and struggle to admit we could be wrong. Ironically, that is probably an adaptive response, as I often observe such traits in those who’ve experienced the weight of extreme expectation or grown up in a strong blame culture.

Some of us - often highly intelligent and prone to perfectionism - are so accustomed to being right or not being challenged that any suggestion we’re at fault, or that the quality of work is not up to par, meets with indignation and even rage.

This is one of the explanations for why some high-achieving students don’t cope well or become anxious when put in gifted programs. They find themselves competing with the best of the best, and they fear not measuring up. Without understanding their internal world, insensitive others can label them as emotionally unintelligent, soft, or fragile which only feeds the fear, self-loathing or the righteous indignation. 

One of the biggest controversies to dog the AFL code years ago involved a former champion of the North Melbourne Football Club, Wayne Carey. He had reportedly been such good friends with the team captain, Anthony Stevens, that everyone said they might as well have been brothers. Yet Carey rocked the football world when news broke that he was having an illicit relationship with Stevens' wife. Carey, a decorated and revered premiership player, was cast out of the team by his coach, Denis Pagan who had loved him like a son.

Some time later, Sally Carey, the errant footballer’s wife said in an interview that the problems may have come from the fact that no-one - including herself, the coach, and her husband’s agent - ever said 'No' to him. In other words, whatever he wanted, he got. She seemed to imply that his sense of entitlement was extremely high, yet his sense of ethical accountability was seemingly low. Looking through a contemporary lens I'm disturbed by any suggestion that others' actions drove Carey's behaviour. These days might we be sensitive to the risk of 'blame shifting' or even 'victim shaming'? But there remains for me the burning question about how we develop a 'No' tolerance in our children, most of whom are fortunate enough to enjoy an extraordinary quality of life filled with abundance as well as workers and consumers who may all feel that if they jump up and down and threaten anything from the resignation letter to the ombudsman, that others will automatically capitulate. 

Leaders who assuage, make decisions from a place of social anxiety ("If I'm assertive on this will they hate me?") allow themselves to make excuses, defend the indefensible and can be disrespected for being a soft touch which is also ironic given what may drive their behaviour is the need to be liked.

But their people may also be working under the illusion they are doing a great job in the absence of balanced feedback and can reasonably be shocked and upset when someone suddenly sits them down and gives them the hard truth after years of above average appraisal ratings. In other words, nobody wins by either the avoidance or the deception.

How might we help others develop a tolerance to 'No' or 'Not good enough'?

1. Acknowledge above and beyond, true discretionary effort, especially when you can't yet acknowledge high competence but don't praise effusively for "participation" and don't make a disingenuous big deal over something minor people would reasonably be expected to do if they were half way doing their job. This breeds cynicism and makes us appear sycophantic.
2. If you praise, be specific about what was praiseworthy. Make it about the process and the outcome, don't lavish people with labels like "legend" or "rockstar" unless it's banter and perhaps even private. In the words of the old One Minute Manager series, find your people doing something right but you don't have to make others jealous by making some look superior. A disclaimer on this one is the generosity of spirit and willingness to applaud contributions by others in really high performing teams. In elite teams, team members actively sing each others' praises, feel privileged to work/play together and rejoice in each others' success. Think Richmond player interviews post Grand Final.
3. Value your time and be alert to unproductive rituals. Some people will want huge amounts of recognition and well-placed positive feedback can be really helpful to them. That's not the same as constant neurotic reassurance that drains your time and energy and becomes a pattern you can find hard to step away from.
4. Don't judge the great team members (too) harshly. Notwithstanding what I said above, you may indeed have some exceptional employees who can (almost) always be relied upon to deliver. I've seen some managers exaggerate their displeasure or disappointment when the people that just keep on giving have a bad moment or say 'No' themselves. Proportional, emotionally intelligent and supportive feedback and constructive advice or joint problem-solving may be what's required. Slipping into 'parent' mode and giving them the "This is not like you and I'm really disappointed. You've let me down" speech is unfair, patronising and unhealthy. If they're a high achiever and messed up, they are probably as upset and disappointed as you are and they don't need us to be either glib about an objectively big blunder or over the top in our reaction when we wouldn't be with others on whom we rely less. Great leaders come to work to do 'adult', not 'parent', not distressed 'child' and certainly not 'petulant teenager'.
5. Call out any bad behaviour without damning the person and ensure your people become accustomed to balanced feedback given in a specific, honest, direct and empathic way. Beginning the sentence by declaring you are going to be honest and direct with them about what's working well and what isn't (because that's your way) helps manage expectations and emotions.
6. Don't automatically abort the conversation if someone becomes visibly upset. Asking do they want to take a break or even can they talk through the tears (if it's say an investigation interview) when you really know you've been appropriate and measured in the discussion may be preferable to terminating any conversation at the first sign of emotion. Worst case scenario, the crying is tactical and designed to ensure tough conversations are never had. If your gut tells you to stop, then show persistence about picking up the important conversation at another time rather than have the person learn the matter or the conversation will simply be dropped. I have often had very difficult conversations with clients in the context of mediation and investigations and said I was sorry that the conversation appeared to be so difficult for them and that I hope they understood the reasons why it was important. I then wait for them to tell me why it matters (and effectively why it should continue). I have almost never had anyone refuse to continue point blank after a tissue stop or short break as they trust I am there for legitimate reasons and have gone to some trouble to establish rapport and demonstrate fair-mindedness.
7. Avoid acquiring a reputation as either a 'Yes' person or a 'No' person. Say 'No' to the unreasonable with an explanation but be prepared to say 'No' to the seemingly reasonable if in the bigger picture of a team the request can not be accommodated. Examine big ticket situations on their merits. If anything, work to acquire a reputation for being measured, objective and both people and business-balanced.
8. Always say 'No' nicely. It's free. You can express regret that you can't accommodate but that it just won't work in the business at this time. A lot of us bristle at what we perceive to be entitlement. Losing your cool or becoming irritated that the person had the affront to even ask means you slip out of adult and the conversation can spiral downhill. Having said that, if the person accuses you of being unreasonable or "never doing anything to support them" (and you know this is preposterous), you can politely disagree and provide 1-2 choice examples whilst remaining calm, confident and resolute. There is a very important difference (in words but especially tone) between explaining and justifying/defending. Some people prone to being argumentative respond better to assertive boundary-setting, objective evidence and having us calling out the "rubbish". (I've cleaned that up!)
9. Don't reverse decisions because people give you heat. By all means, delay a decision while you consider all the angles if you need to, don't be railroaded by someone else's "deadline" and then stick with your decision. Kids will soon learn that if you relent on treats before dinner due to excessive nagging, that this ritual works! Behavioural conditioning (which is how culture develops) happens with adults too and it's not necessarily even conscious much less malicious. The old broken record technique with any age group whilst again remaining calm and resolute usually results in the person backing off. Again, if pushed to the limit, you can express regret that you can't accommodate but say that you won't be changing your mind. Either change the subject at that point or (politely) exit stage left!

Feel free to share some of your tried and tested strategies for doing the tough stuff via comments.

Leanne Faraday-Brash is an organisational psychologist, coach and media commentator. She is Principal of Brash Consulting, a Melbourne-based practice specialising in organisational psychology, organisation development and "workplace justice" (Equal Opportunity, ethics and employee relations). Leanne is the author of “Vulture Cultures: How to stop them ravaging your performance, people, profit and public image” published by Australian Academic Press. Leanne can be reached at www.brashconsulting.com.au