Special edition: What to do if you are feeling helpless and/or hopeless about Ukraine?

On the 24th of Feb, Russia, under the leadership of President Putin, invaded Ukraine. He declared that Russia could not feel "safe, develop and exist" because of what he claimed was a constant threat from modern Ukraine.

The world has been watching as citizens of Ukraine flee their homes, men (dads, husbands, sons) stay to defend their country and their President Volodymyr Zelenskyy declining Washington's invitation to evacuate, with a defiant "I need ammunition, not a ride. The fight is here." Suddenly, they are refugees and their country is in disarray.

Perhaps like me, you are feeling a combination of helplessness and hopelessness. Many of us thought that we had seen the last of war when World War II happened, and yet here it is, right under our noses! ??

Hence, I'm taking a break from answering questions to write this special edition, on what we can do if we are feeling that way.

Helplessness

In Dr Martin Seligman's book Learned Helplessness, he wrote about how people can learn to become helpless after people have repeatedly trying to overcome a challenge, but find themselves failing repeatedly or reaching the same outcome despite their efforts. For example, over the course of the last 2 years, as a result of covid-19, many people have felt helpless when governments suddenly closed borders or changed policies which affected their families - all of which left them feeling out of control. Hence, people are not born helpless, they learn to become helpless.

When it comes to the invasion of Ukraine, we might feel similarly. It is something we all feel horrified by, and yet helpless because (a) we might be too far away (b) we don't know what we can to do help (c) the situation seems very volatile and hard to predict.

What we can do

Here are some steps you can take to manage those feelings of helplessness:

1. Focus on what you can control. Sometimes we mistakenly spend too much time on trying to change what we can't control, or thinking that we can control the future. However, research suggests that when people mistakenly believe they can control the future, they actually end up feeling even more distressed (Caston, 2015). Instead, it's important to focus on what you can control:

• If reading the news and watching videos is causing you distress, you might want to limit your time or exposure. This may make you feel like you are "heartless" or ignoring the situation, but in that moment you need to ask "Is this helping me or harming me?"
• Identify where you might be able to make a difference. If you are in a position of power, use social media or your voice to encourage people to donate or support Ukraine (if that is what you think will help). If you have children who might be confused, spend time talking to them about it, and maybe even have a dialogue with them if they want to.

2. Challenge your helpless thoughts. Thoughts of "This is useless" or "There isn't anything I can do" can feel permanent and pervasive. In such moments, it might be more useful to challenge those thoughts by replacing them with more accurate, empowering ones.?

• For example, look for evidence to challenge the thoughts. For example, if you're thinking "There isn't anything I can do", challenge the "anything" - look around to see what way you can do something - big or small that can contribute. Look also for evidence that people are doing things that seem to be helping e.g. governments are imposing some of the toughest sanctions on Russia, citizens are fighting back with all they've got. This can help you reframe your thought to "There is something I can do, however small."

3. Practice being present in the moment. When we feel helpless, chances are we are also feeling depressed. In this case, we might think that the future is bleak. However, as the situation is still unfolding, and we have no clear understanding of how things are actually going to turn up, it is more helpful to focus on being in the moment.

• When you find yourself or your mind racing, and feeling anxious, or depressed, pause. Practice box breathing (pic credit: Science of Connectedness), and focus on the counting, your breath, what you're feeling. In that space where you are less panicky, you can calm down and feel more at ease.
• You can also practice loving-kindness meditation by repeating these 4 phrases: "May I feel peace. May I feel calm. May I feel at ease. May I be happy". If you'd like, you can extend it to the people around you, or even the world, by saying: "May the world feel peace. May the world feel calm. May the world feel at ease. May the world be happy." Loving kindness meditation has many benefits, some of which include feeling less negative, and more positive; enhancing compassion towards other.

Hopelessness

Another predominant feeling you might have is that of hopelessness. Hopelessness is a feeling of despair: when you believe that things aren't going to get better. This could happen if you have family who might be in Ukraine right now, or you have experienced trauma and this could potentially be triggering.

Hopelessness stems from the the belief that things are hopeless. If you think that the situation is hopeless, you are likely to give up trying, isolate yourself, become more depressed, and ruminate.

What we can do

To overcome hopelessness, you can try the following strategies:

1. Speak to someone you trust. When we are feeling hopeless, we also tend to feel alone, like we are the only one experiencing this. It might be a time to connect and reach out to someone your trust - a family member, a friend, or even a professional. They can provide comfort, support or just perspective.
2. Understand that "feelings are not facts". You feeling hopeless does not mean YOU are hopeless. Similarly, you feeling guilty that you can't do anything, doesn't mean that YOU are guilty. Remember that feelings, or emotions, are just signals telling you what you are experiencing at the moment. Emotions are automatic reactions that manifest in our body as we’re triggered by external stimuli. You may not be able to control them, but you can manage your response to them. And that is what matters more.
3. Leverage hope theory by following the following framework GPA:

• Goal: What is a small goal you can set (in other words, what are you hoping for)? Make sure it is something you can do, and not entirely dependent on someone else to take actions. E.g. I want to help Ukraine in ways that are possible for me.
• Pathways: What are the ways you can reach your goal? Try to think of as many ways as possible. E.g. I will source for all the legitimate agencies. I will ask friends who have donated what their plans are. I will ask others who support the cause to join me. I will write to my government to advocate.
• Agency: What will motivate you to keep going? This could be linked to your "Why" and what matters to you. E.g. Knowing that families in Ukraine can get to safety using the money I've donated is my motivation.

I hope the tips above are able to support you. I am taking each day as it comes, ,managing my emotions and contributing where I can, in small steps - just like writing this article.

As the situation is still unfolding, let's hope that peace and lightness prevail! ????

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Disclaimer:

I share authentically what I think possible solutions might be, but it is purely from what I have studied (scientific evidence) and my own experience in coaching & training others in this area for the past 11 years. I am not here to diagnose or treat. If you need further help, please do seek the necessary support.

References:

Peterson, C.; Maier, S. F.; Seligman, M. E. P. (1995).?Learned Helplessness: A Theory for the Age of Personal Control. New York: Oxford University Press.?ISBN?978-0-19-504467-6.

Snyder, C.R. (2002). Hope Theory: Rainbows in the Mind. Psychological Inquiry. Vol. 13, No. 4 (2002), pp. 249-275 (27 pages)